A Formal Complaint From My Non-Dominant Hand

Lefty’s gotta few things on his mind.

Hey boss — It’s me, ya otha hand! Look, we need to clear a few things up, you and me.

First, I get it. We all have our favorites and you chose Righty. I had a 50/50 shot. I’m fine ridin’ the bench when it comes to hand stuff. But, buddy, ya have to give a fella a little warnin’ when ya plan on throwin’ him in the game. And, also, show a little respect, will ya?

That ‘touch the hot pan’ thing last week to see if it was cool enough for Righty to grab? The hell was that, Einstein? I got two blisters! I’ve never had a callous and now I got two friggin’ blisters? I’m not a monkey you launch into space to see what happens. I. Am. Your. Hand.

Also, I enjoy spontaneity as much as any other hand but givin’ me a knife at that fancy restaurant? Bro. Fine, Righty over there didn't have enough room at that sardine can of a table but I wasn't trained for this. There we are in public and ya make me look like a jerk because I can’t cut a steak? Let’s try that move in private before we trot it out in front of ya sister Carol and her big mouth husband Gary. Okay, hotshot?

I know my role, chief. I’m good at catching things and I’m good at blocking things. I’m a stunt hand. Chicks dig it. I’m fine bein’ the set-up guy. Behind every great NFL kicker is a great holder. Sorry, I’m new at these metaphors — but ya hear me. Capiche?

My point is let’s play to our strengths. Last year when ya decided on that teeth brushing experiment — that was fun. For a bit. I like a little variety but dexterity ain’t really my thing. I hold the toothbrush, he squeezes the paste and then we change. Piece of cake. I’m not in this for the glory.

Oh! But I do love drivin’! I’m outside the window, feelin’ the rush of the wind through the hair on my knuckles and Righty’s stuck holding the wheel, heh. Man, I live for that! That’s enough for me so don’t get cute.

By the way, please stop handing me a pen every few months and askin’ what I can do. What can I do? I can throw the pen across the room and tell ya to go screw yahself. That’s what I can do.

Speakin’ of which, I’d prefer to be left out of whateva you and righty got goin’ when ya alone. I don’t judge. Just don’t drag me into it. I want no part of ya love life unless you invite that Lucy gal over. Then it’s all hands on deck. But just you and Righty? Thanks, I’ll pass.

So, we good? I just wanna let ya know a few things that have been on my mind. Let’s keep doin’ what we do and I’ll lend a hand whenever I can.

See? I’m funnier than him too and ya know it!

Thanks for listenin’. Catch ya, later bud.

‘Catch,’ I kill me!