A Foreshadowed Ending

We make our choices and live with them

He turned to me, and our eyes met.

The next moment, I was already in his arms. He hugged me, and his lips kissed my cheek, then the other, and stopped at my ear.

He whispered, ‘Ellie, I am so happy to see you!’

I could barely control my trembling and quickly backed away.

His hands held mine. Warmth and tenderness filled his eyes.

I hadn’t forgotten the feeling of him standing close to me.

He was George, my first love.

I could not stop myself from looking into his eyes. I couldn’t pull my hands away. We hadn’t seen each other for fifteen years. I’ve been married for almost that long and had two children.

What about George? I knew he was single. It was his choice. Many years ago, he left me. He knocked me down and shattered me into countless pieces that I had been collecting all my life.

George said, ‘Come and sit next to me!’

I just nodded. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t think. We met, and all those years between us were erased. I remembered the nights when I cried silently, and the pillow was soaked with my tears.

His warm fingers clutched mine.

I sat next to him. His hips touched mine. I backed away. I didn’t want to be so close to him. I wanted peace of mind. I wasn’t twenty-five anymore.

He glanced at me furtively and sighed, ‘Forgive me!’

I did not wait for these words.

‘I know this is not the place… I know it’s not the right time either… Ellie… I know, but when? It’s been so long, and I haven’t found the right moment to talk to you… I’m sorry! Please! Let’s stand here for a while and then go somewhere and talk… Just the two of us. We need to talk!’

‘Okay.’ I answered.

My voice was back. It was cold-livered, but my heart raced like a crazed herd of horses and threatened to burst out.

Then we drank wine, I smoked his cigarettes, as we used to do, and we danced in each other’s arms without noticing the others. I forbade myself to think. I left the thoughts for later. I was unreasonable. Everyone would probably be gossiping, but I didn’t care.

We celebrated twenty years since graduating from high school.

Twenty years ago, George became my first true love.

It did not happen immediately. For several years, we claimed we were simply friends. We’ve always had a good time together. There was always something to talk about. And if there was nothing to talk about, we were just silent. But the silence was warm and pleasant — like a shelter. It brought us together.

I remember the long nights when he studied, and studied, and studied…

Studying medicine was hard. George did not just want you to take the exam. He learned everything as well as possible. He was leaving his heart there, in this insane, endless learning. And I was quietly preparing for my exams, which seemed like a game compared to his. When my eyes began to burn, I would get up, splash water on them, and make Turkish coffee in a coffee pot on the only small stove in the campus room. I poured him into a big cup, pure as he liked it, and went to bed.

When I got up, I often found him sleeping with his head on the textbook on the desk. I wanted to reach closer, run my fingers through his black, curly hair, and kiss him. But I never did. We were friends. Then, I would wake him up and go to my room so he could take a bath and continue studying…

We both graduated from the university. I graduated first — he had two more years to study.

I went back home. I had no friends and felt so alone. Fortunately, I found a job, and things became better.

Two years passed, and George came back home, too. He started working as a general practitioner in a nearby village.

We had a great time together. I wasn’t alone anymore.

We drank coffee or beer, maybe coffee, and then beer. I smoked his cigarettes, and everything was fine. On Sundays, we went for long walks on the outskirts. It was a wonderful, warm summer. Then came a beautiful and colorful fall. I felt happy with him, but something strange happened in our relationship. His hands often touched me, his eyes gazed into my face, and he sat so close to me that I felt hot, but I didn’t want to move away.

Then came the day “X”!

We went to the cinema. We watched a romantic movie, and George ate my popcorn most demonstratively, although he had previously stated that he did not want popcorn. Then he took the water bottle almost from my lips, took a few big gulps, and as I whispered in his ear, blaming him for drinking all my water, he turned, reached out, took my chin, and pressed his lips to mine. It was so unexpected and so natural that I just closed my eyes and kissed back, with a wild moan rising deep in my throat. The feeling was so strong and primal that I could barely contain the passion that surged through my veins and burned them to ashes.

We barely broke away from each other, yet we were in a public place.

‘Now what?’ I asked him.

‘Come to my flat, and we will live together!’

It was good I was sitting. Otherwise, I would have fallen.

And I moved into his flat. We lived together, and it was good. No! It was a hundred times more than that. It was harmonious, full of love and passion. I had always thought that if we crossed the border of friendship, things would go wrong between us, but at least the first months of our life together disproved me…

But only they. Then, he was invited to specialize in Germany. He dreamed of this specialization in psychiatry. He had been fighting for the scholarship for months.

They say that air towers had no real walls… We lived in such a tower, but it was only a temporary shelter of love with a foreshadowed ending.

‘Ellie, I have to go!’

There were tears in his eyes.

‘I know. Of course, you will go… I will wait for you. And I can come there if you want…? If there is a way…’

Then he sighed, looked at me, and said.

‘We should break up!’

‘Why?’ it was the only word I could say.

‘I love you so much! But I am not ready to have a family. I don’t want a family. Children… things like that… No! I have purposes! I will not stay in this small village all my life and measure the blood pressure of the old people. I’m going to Germany now, and I want to think about studying. I want to study. I want to be at a high level. Nothing should distract me. I waste too much emotional energy with you. I forget my goals. These simple, ordinary things are not for me… I know I’ll regret it later. I will hate myself. I will hurt you. And it will be very, very nasty. Much worse than now, Ellie! You are free from me… do you hear? Find your happiness. Get your life in order. I’m not the one to make you happy…’

Those words almost killed me. They devastated my heart.

He just took his jacket and left the room.

I took some clothes and went to my mom’s house. It was so weird to be there again.

The days dragged on, dark and painful. I was on the verge of despair but did not call him. I was so offended and hurt that I couldn’t imagine hearing his voice. He had collected the rest of my luggage and brought it before he left for Germany.

And everything ended.

I looked at him, and I felt we had never been apart. Of course, it was an illusion, a deception. A whole world separated us. No. Several universes were between us. He kept holding my hand.

We left the party together. It was almost midnight.

We walked the deserted, dark streets and were silent. Then we sat down on a lonely bench in the center of the town, and he started talking.

‘Ellie… I was wrong then. I was so much wrong. I broke your heart. I was also unhappy. And I still am. I know I have no right to interfere in your life, but it’s so hard for me. I’m sorry that I dumped you… I decided on my own and made the wrong decision. Not everything in this life is ambition! But I was blindsided. Forgive me! Please, please… forgive me! I can’t live with this guilt for the rest of my life!’

My face was wet with tears.

I said, ‘I forgave you a long time ago! It was your truth then. I do not blame you.’

‘Yes…’

‘You have time to find love. Your life is ahead.’

‘Me? I don’t think so! I have all I wanted. I have achieved everything in my profession and nothing in my personal life. But do not bother, I am fine. I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry.’

We talked some more, and then he sent me home.

I rejoice at his successes. I always feel a little sad about the missed opportunity.

But everyone chooses their path and lives with their choices.

Thank you for reading.

If you’d like to see more of my stories, you’re welcome: