Not everyone is lucky enough to meet a true love in life. I was blessed and cursed at the same time. Some of us only find temporary things or ordinary relationships. Nothing like a deeper connection or the kind of love “I can’t imagine living a second in this world without you”.

Yes, I loved madly and irrationally and burned myself more than I needed to. Some wounds cannot be healed in any amount of time. Not if you love as much as I can.

You say that I was too young to know what true love is. I say that age is just a number and numbers are actually unimportant. They don’t show who you are or what you are capable of, nor do they know how to measure what is truly important. Life experiences show how much we know and how mature we are. And as far as this scale is concerned, I am already old.

For some, dark eyes could be a warning sign, but I always saw light in them. However, if it was also in the heart, the story would have a different ending.

Sometimes we want the relationship to work more than the other person

Many of us know it. While we are looking for ways to make the relationship work and to change him for the better so that he would also fight more for us, he keeps looking for easier ways — how to get out of it and he will do everything to not take the responsibility for what is happening.

The hardest part is letting it go because we can’t imagine losing that person even though he can probably imagine his journey without us.

“If you love someone, let him go, because if he comes back, he was always yours. If he didn’t come back, he never was.”

It’s probably a cliché, but it definitely works, and that’s exactly what I told him when he was leaving, for the last time and this time without coming back. I’m not going to give any 100% advice on how to get over someone, because I can’t do it myself. But what I can do is share the experience.

I was one of those women who begged him to stay on my knees. Today I can say that I would never do it again, but more on that later. It took me a really long time to get to the stage where I could let him go even when it hurt. I wanted him to be happy no matter the pain it caused to me. But I also wanted to be his happiness. No matter how much I cried, begged…it’s impossible to change people’s priorities.

The biggest obstacle of moving on is that he broke his promise

The biggest promises hurt the most and to break those promises means a deadly betrayal. He swore to death, did it anyway. Endless love, future together, that he will love no one but me…only footprints in the sand remained as he left. What is a banality for him was a ruined life for me, at least I thought so. So how am I supposed to trust again?

The truth is that in this world you can trust nobody. Because no matter how good your heart is, you are gonna disappoint one day. But what makes a difference is if you are gonna repeat your mistake multiple times or you learn your lesson. So what’s left to do is find a person who tries to be good enough. The thing is that you deserve someone who would do anything to keep the word. When someone really loves you, he will always do anything for you without any excuses, broken promises or lies.

Usually, this type of person disappoints many times in a row, it’s not just about breaking promises but also about lying and toxicity.

You can’t change a liar, it is too deeply rooted in him

PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE! I wanted to believe that he would be a better person to realize his mistakes, but guess what? People warned me, for sure. “You don’t believe his stories, you know they’re all lies.” Was I listening to them? Finally, I came across his biggest lie. I paid the biggest price for ignoring red signs.

Wicked people are tempting but once you fall for them, there is no way back, no remedy, no mercy at all. The uncalculable despair of realizing that no matter what you do or say it wouldn’t bring him back. And for some people it’s better in the end.

Lost cause, how would you know how to save our relationship when you don’t even know how to fix yourself? Lie after lie, tear after tear poured into my eyes with every memory of the moment I waited in vain. How much love and support a woman is willing to give despite the pain is an infinite number.

Women love danger, we crave it

And then our eyes are only left for tears. For some reason, we always choose peril over stability until…we get stabbed in the back. Only the consequences of a rejection can be entrenched in our minds. His disinterest is awakening from a dream, his selfishness stumbles me at every step I make. His strangeness and unusualness allured, his intelligence was eerie, and his uncanny mysteriousness was a crux of enamoration with him.

And cure? No amount of drugs, pills, or “love” can fill the hole in your heart, you can only accept the pain as a part of your life. I was that type of fool who tried to dull the pain by jumping into another relationship. At the end of the day, you feel the regrets even more. It’s the same as with alcohol, you may feel better for a few minutes but after getting sober or even before that you feel shitty and you know you are only destroying your inner self. Your inmost soul knows that what’s missing will not be replaced.

People will blame you because they cannot take responsibility for their actions

Can you even imagine how hard was it to swallow the fact that you blamed me for everything? How my insides tortured me with remorse? No, you don’t know that feeling, because you didn’t admit that you had a part in it. People forget very easily when they hurt someone, they only start to remember when it comes back to them and someone hurts them in the same way.

Now you can ignore what you’d been doing daily. I know you like games, they are more than anything to you but I didn’t choose to play a game with you. Because of that, I languished in my own prison. I never got an apology no matter how hard they tried to make you give it to me. If you’re so innocent then why couldn’t you ever look me in the eye?

“The only way to win with a toxic partner is not to play.”

Being afraid of the truth is cowardly. If there was an obstacle somewhere, you knew how to run away and leave me alone. Stupid me for not knowing my worth? Or were you just misunderstood, as you say? You’re right, I also make mistakes, but I can face them and work to prevent them from happening again. My intentions with you were pure, I only wanted your love, nothing else, nothing.

Welcome to the narcissism+selfishness

“I would take a bullet for you just to prove my love, only to find out you are the one holding the gun.”- Madison Beer

The worst thing about people who admire being single is that they usually use somebody first to acknowledge that. When I asked him why he stayed with me for so long, used to say how he loved me more than anything if he knew he want to be alone in his life, his response was: “I don’t know.” I know he wasn’t trying as hard as he should have, but I believed every word he said.

And he left me in that pain in front of dozens of people on the floor. I wish that was the only inner pain I experienced with him. But after all, I can’t say that he was just pure evil.

And it makes it more painful to put an end to it

All those beautiful memories... Sunsets, poems, his drawings, small expressions of love, and moments like from the most beautiful romantic movie. If it was only toxic, it would be easier to put up with it, because I would perceive that there is nothing I should miss.

At one moment he was able to be a man who gave out unconditional love of astronomical proportions and at the next moment left me. It’s like he has two different personalities inside his mind, a demon that controls him and he can’t put up with it. My heart refuse to believe that everything was a lie even if he was a chronic liar. I met him when we were 15 and we fell in love faster than a shooting star.

When I was sick, he was by my side, when I cried, he wiped my tears, when I was angry, he was my peace... Life with him was so easy and challenging at the same time. After break up he changed my outlook and what I want from life. I no longer want the things I wanted before, even a little is enough.

“Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you.”- Rachel Platten

But there are too many things that I am missing. It’s still a mystery to me until today, how he could throw me away so easily and choose not to fight for us. When I know he cared. The problem is that more about himself. When they asked him what is the most important thing in life, he said that his happiness.

“I’m the devil in this story too, it’s not just you.”- me

Despite how terribly I tried to make him happy, it wasn’t enough. He never fought for love because it just wasn’t a priority. For him, even after one week, I was a distant past, nothing to care about anymore. His life continued as before me, nothing changed, nothing important.

If it’s meant to be it will be yours

The truth is that if he doesn’t do it, someone else will. We all heard this. The question is whether are you going to love and trust the same again in your life. You just keep wishing to have everything back, all the bad things so you can have also the good. Even though I know how stupid it is. And that hope kills in this case.

I loved him more than my own life. If I had to give up my life for him, I would have done so without hesitation. But you can’t force anyone to love. Not even make him care. Maybe it was a bad time for us. Maybe he hasn’t learned from his mistakes yet and hasn’t matured. And maybe he’s just like that. And maybe I should love him with flaws or avoid him completely. For now or forever, there is just my own secret battle with my own feelings.

The most important part is to set your values

Easy to say, huh? I think that the only way to avoid disappointment is to find someone in your life with similar values, expectations from life, and plans for the future. For some of you, it’s still not too late to avoid being hurt.

It’s hard to turn a fuckboy into a perfect husband if he doesn’t want to change his way of life. This is exactly the key fact. People don’t change. You can change your life directions or bad qualities only and only if you TRULY WANT TO WORK ON YOURSELF. To be a better person, to be better for your loved ones, or whatever your aim is. No matter how much I tried to guide people through the moral paths, it didn’t always help, because not everyone wants to be good.

My favorite example is a drug or alcohol addiction. Sometimes their families send them for treatment because they want them to live happy and long lives. But if that person finds his life’s pleasure in alcohol and doesn’t want to give it up, then whatever you do would not help, because he would find his way back to it anyway. If he is convinced that he wants to change his life radically and doesn’t give up on that journey, then he will probably be able to do it despite how difficult it is. People can do the impossible if they really want to. We see many examples of miracles every single day.

Therefore, let people live as they want, I know it’s hard sometimes. If he wants to be better, he definitely will. And if not, someone will come, someone who you won’t have to change. To sum up, be picky. Not for money, but a good heart.

Conclusion: I don’t want to forget, I want to remember the nice and have the bad as a warning finger. He disappeared and took many things with him. Until today I can’t breathe without feeling my wounds and the knife in my back sometimes. I can’t fall asleep without my sleeping pills, he was my Xanax. I’ll keep quiet about the months after the breakup, for now, they’re too scary to be reminded of.

I have always been strong in overcoming difficult obstacles in life, I was angry with myself for allowing this one to hurt me so much. I am not afraid that I am not gonna be loved again. I’m afraid that this torment will keep me awake for many more nights while he lives happily ever after. Of course, I want him to be happy with all my heart. What hurts him hurts me too. But I wish I could do the same. It’s been almost 2 years and I’m still picking pieces of my heart back, I don’t know for how long it will be the same. I guess our forever.

Today I know why I chose him then. I chose the same relationship I had with myself. I hated myself, my body, my face, everything. I let my insecurities interfere with our relationship…if you don’t know how to love yourself, you’re lowering your standards for someone who doesn’t deserve you. You really have to love yourself first but not too much.

“A man can love you and want you dead.”- Charlie’s Angels

I’m not telling this story to make anyone feel sorry for me, that’s the last thing I need. I say this because whatever is happening in your life, you are not alone in the same situation.

(Photos in this article are solely mine.)