A Few Unsexy Things I Can Do with My Dildo
Anyone want a dick candle?
I was recently screwed over by long shipping times.
For a while, I was having flirty long-distance exchanges with a guy named Rob. I enjoyed fantasizing about Rob and wondered what sex with him would feel like.
So, I asked for his measurements.
I knew it wouldn’t be like the real thing, but I thought getting a dildo that matches his size would give me some idea.
I poked around the internet, found a purple one backed by a suction cup that fit the bill, and placed an order. Within two to three weeks, I would get to know what having a guy of his size in me or in my mouth would feel like.
But then everything imploded. Rob ended things and I was left feeling miserable.
A few days later, his dick — well, a proxy for it — showed up in my mailbox.
Needless to say, I had no interest in fucking myself with it. I still don’t. I’m working my way up to that. In the meantime, I’m wondering what to do with this thing.
I’m a pretty frugal and thrifty person by nature and I hate waste. So, I don’t feel right letting this dildo collect dust.
If there’s one neurosis I got from my mother, it’s the need to make sure I use something if I paid money for it. And I paid good money for this dick. So, I’m determined to use it one way or another.
The packaging didn’t include instructions for any non-sexual uses, though. For those, I had to do a few internet searches.
I’m happy to report there are plenty of things I can with this dildo other than fuck it.
Stress Relief
The first day I got it, I stuck it to the top of my computer desk and found myself absentmindedly playing with it.
Squeezing it, pulling it and letting it bounce back into place, moving it around like a joystick — it was all surprisingly soothing.
It’s like a stress ball (stress shaft?) but way more fun.
Towel Holder
My house has a small bathroom that has to accommodate six people. There’s only one short towel holder and a few pegs we can use to hang towels. They get so crowded the towels tend to fall if anyone so much as brushes up against them.
It’s really tempting to solve that problem by sticking the dildo to the wall and hanging a towel from it.
The only problem is, three of my kids are at an age where they think penises are hilarious so I just know they’d fight over who gets to hang their towel on the dong.
Fixing a Car Dent
This one is frankly so amazing I practically want to whack a dent into the hood of my minivan so I can use my dildo to fix it.
I have neighbors who don’t know what I do for a living. As far as they know, I’m just a wholesome stay-at-home mom (they don’t know about all the edibles I take, either). So, I’d have to hide the dildo under my coat and sneak it into the garage.
This hack is an even better party trick than opening a wine bottle with a shoe, but you should probably only bust it out if you don’t want to be invited again. And that’s exactly why I’m bringing my dildo in my purse the next time I’m suckered into attending any family event.
Candle Mold
One of the many unsung geniuses on Reddit proposes using the dildo to create a mold for candle-making.
This is honestly the perfect idea, because I never know what to give anyone for a present and this would be a good go-to. All it would take is some wick and wax and I’m done (did I mention I’m frugal?)
So, this Christmas, my mom just might get a dick candle or two under her tree.
(No, that’s not a euphemism. At least, I don’t think it is.)
Who Knew Dildos Could Be So Versatile?
This is just the tip of the iceberg. There are so many mundane things you can do with a silicone cock, especially if it’s got a convenient suction cup at the base.
Frankly, I’m starting to think I need to buy a few more. They could come in handy.
Some guys worry that sex toys are going to replace them. That’s absurd. No one is going to prefer a dildo to a flesh-and-blood cock attached to a person they love.
Towel holders and stress balls need to watch their backs, though.
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