A Female’s Perspective on Mediocre Sex and Mind-Blowing Sex
This might be what you needed to up your game.
I discovered my clitoris by accident. I didn’t know what it was or what it looked like. All I knew was that when I cleaned myself after peeing, something felt good. One day I decided to investigate this sensation.
I laid down with my legs apart, eager to learn parts of my body that were both mysterious and shameful. I felt my way through my panties, past the labia majora, labia minora, and landed on a soft, tender tissue that was somewhat sensitive to touch. Curiously I taped on- it felt good. As I increased the pressure rhythmically, the pleasure built up till it erupted, throwing me into waves of ecstasy and pure joy. Only later would I learn that was my first orgasm.
Naturally, I expected “real sex” to be just as good. Toe-curling, euphoric, and magical… but to my disappointment, it was far from that.
“Real sex” was mediocre at best and painful at worst. I spent most sessions using visual and vocal cues to convince my partners that our sex was orgasmic, and their dick was life-changing… in short, I was a performer. I had perfected the art of pretense, and honestly, it was getting old.
Till one day, in the comfort of a girl’s night out, I brought up the subject of sexuality. The timing was perfect as everyone was relaxed, snacking on good food and sipping on wine while taking the occasional shot. You know what they say about alcohol; it loosens the tongue and drowns inhibitions.
So without thinking about it, I blurted out, “I enjoy masturbation far more than I enjoy sex,.”
To which my other friend added, “yeah, in terms of pleasure most sex is mediocre and not as fun as porn stars make it out to be.”
All ten girls nodded enthusiastically, and without holding back, each one proceeded to share their story. We were all in the same boat. It was empowering and, at the same time, disheartening.
A quick Google search revealed 75% of women don’t orgasm from intercourse alone, which means 3 out of 4 women have mediocre sex. This made us wonder, what could be the problem? It couldn’t be our genitalia, as we could easily get ourselves off.
After an open debate and a few tipsy suggestions, we concluded that maybe it’s the penis. Perhaps we need a bigger penis, one with more girth and length.
The most outspoken of us added, “I guess sexual compatibility means finding our perfect fit in a sea of penises.”
We laughed it off and ended the night by toasting to mediocre sex and many vibrators (It still makes me cringe). The following day I couldn’t shake the feeling the was more to “mediocre sex” than merely blaming the penis.
Logic reasoned that if solo sex results in orgasm but partnered sex didn’t, then perhaps the problem was the sexual script we follow during sex. Bingo!! That was indeed it. The sexual script we follow is the one we see in porn… The penis-in-vagina fucking.
Follow the paper-trail; it holds clues to what women desire.
Women spend more money on oral simulators than dildos. Translation, we prefer playing with our clit during masturbation than shoving a dildo up our vaginas…Why? Because clitoral orgasms are way better than G-spot orgasms. To prove this, A 2017 study published in the journal of Medicine and Marital therapy revealed that only 18.4% of women orgasm by intercourse alone. That’s 1 in 6 women! just let that sink in.
The other women, like me, resorted to faking it. You may wonder why fake when you can “communicate”? well, it all boils down to our societal conditioning. Many of us are conditioned to cater to the egos of men. It’s so ingrained that we unconsciously prioritize men’s desire even if it costs us our pleasure.
We are, however, questioning these teachings and unlearning these ways.
Men want us to have mind-blowing sex too. A study done at the University of Michigan showed that men’s sexual esteem was tied to their ability to satisfy women in bed. The problem is, most men are looking in the wrong place. The solution isn’t a magic pill that enlarges the penis or gives the stamina to fuck like a rabbit. The answer lies in focusing on the clitoris and its orgasm.
Clitoral stimulation is a game changer
Did you know the clit was designed purely for pleasure? It’s also strategically positioned outside the vagina so that after an orgasm, the sensitive clit is out of the way, giving access to vaginal sex. This guarantees orgasm for men and multiple orgasms for women.
This also debunks the old-age myth that female orgasms are elusive and happen by chance. A study published in the publication Obstetrics and Gynecology revealed that the clitoris has more nerve endings than a penis, meaning the clit is more receptive to sensations than the penis. This makes satisfying a woman one of the easiest things to do.
It is therefore clear that the difference between mind-blowing sex and mediocre sex doesn’t depend on your dick game but your clit game. Here are ways you can get up your game.
You can also use the tip of your first two fingers to stimulate the clit. Don’t forget to the lubricant, friction on the clit hurts like a motherfucker. Water-based lubricants dry up quickly, and constant re-apply can mess up the flow, So get a thick lubricant… But you know what doesn’t dry up quickly… your tongue
Use your tongue to go down on her until she quivers. No, I don’t mean to spell the alphabet as you saw in porn. I mean, dive in there, kiss the clit, experiment with light suction, gentle tugging… a little pressure. Any of those will work as long as it is rhythmic.
Another tip they don’t show in porn is sex positions that allow for clitoral stimulation during penetration. An all-time favorite is when I lie on my back while my man is on his side with one arm to probes himself up, and with the other, he reaches under my raised leg and rubs my clit while fucking. A position that works just as well is the scissors straddle and the side straddle.
You know what’s hotter is when you politely ask and encourage us to touch ourselves before or during sex. Even though you’re goal-orientated and want to be the reason for our big O. If you leave your ego out of the bedroom and let us explore our bodies without you feeling threatened… it can be a major turn-on. After all, our fingers have been getting our juices flowing for years. You can learn a thing or two.
Armed with what you know, I hope you fall madly in bed with someone tonight, so you not only see the results but experience it.
Before you leave
Thank you for taking the initiative to understand the aspect of sexuality that deals with female desire. It will benefit not only you but everyone around you. Keep in touch by signing up for my free newsletter here.
© Dona Mwiria, MSc. January 2021