A Disorganized, Probably Half-Sexist Open Letter to Women
A piece about how women unknowingly undermine the fight for gender justice and equality
This story begins with a friend.
You haven’t met this friend of mine, but you’ve read about him. I wrote about him some weeks ago, in my article titled Should We All Be Feminists? It is safe to say that this article, wouldn’t have been possible without him, but neither would the previous one.
Just before I published Should We All Be Feminists? I sent a draft copy to him as a courtesy. He had inspired the article, and I felt that sending him a copy was a nice way to say thank you to him. Also, I wanted to see what he thought about the article and make corrections if necessary. The last thing I expected from him was a brutal criticism of my arguments. I didn’t expect him to poke holes in my arguments. To my utter surprise, that is exactly what he did.
In the article in question, I agreed with Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie that our societies have a gender problem and that we treat women as if they are inferior to men. My friend responded to this claim by arguing that Chimamanda and I were making a mistake. He argued that my article — just like Chimamanda’s — laid all the blame for gender inequality on men. In his opinion, “the gender problem is a collective issue for society, so why are you portraying it as if men are solely responsible for gender stereotypes?”
There have been countless writings and other literary works that address gender inequality, a topic that is a favourite of the culture wars. Most of these literary works, however, focus (purposely or not) on the roles that men play in creating, fostering, and perpetuating gender inequalities. The roles that women play in this are barely mentioned. The central message from the literature is that gender inequalities exist because men treat women unfairly, and objectify women.
As a result of this focus on the role of men, without a counterbalancing focus on the role played by other factors, some men have felt attacked or maybe even victimized. You don’t have to look too far to see men fighting back against the idea of toxic masculinity, especially in conservative circles.
Beyond the distraction of all the culture wars, it is hard to argue that few of the literary works published address the role that women play in normalizing gender inequalities. Yes, men are part of the problem, but it is hard to argue that women are blameless. After all, it takes 2 to tango.
Permit me to illustrate the role of women using an example.
Recently on X (formerly Twitter), a user commented on a picture posted by a lady. For this story, let’s call this user Farah. According to Farah, to afford the latest iPhone which the lady had used to take a mirror selfie, she had to have sex with a man who could afford to buy her the phone.
Expectedly, all hell broke loose on Farah. Women and men, feminists or not, believers and atheists, everybody could see the flaw in Farah’s judgment, and they all used the comment section to let him know how disgusting it is to think that about women.
It is easy to see why Farah’s joke wasn’t taken lightly. We are in the 21st century, not in the 12th. In this century, even aliens have heard the words working-class women.
At this point in the story, I smiled. I was happy that many people had joined hands in unison to correct Farah’s sexist comments. This felt like the beginning of a new chapter. Finally, the world was getting to a place where women and men alike would stand up against gender stereotyping, gender inequality, and sexism. What a beautiful world, I thought to myself.
But the story doesn’t end there.
Fast forward to 3 days later. Still on X. This time, a lady uploads 2 pictures. In the first frame, she is holding the latest iPhone. However, the second frame is more interesting and provides context for the first picture. The second frame is a meme of a girl in a sexually suggestive position, with her head facing the floor and her legs spread apart. This post was accompanied by the caption ‘job well done’.
But something was different. Unlike the comment made by Farah which a lot of people responded forcefully to, there were no such comments on this lady’s post. This lady was blatantly insinuating that her vagina gave her an iPhone, and nobody bothered to comment or give her half the heat that Farah received. The feminists and the politically correct folks were nowhere to be found. I couldn’t help but wonder why.
Whatever the reasons for the deafening silence on the lady’s post, that is beside the point. The point is that the fight for a just society — a society where men treat women respectfully — is the collective duty of men, but also women. There are some who might argue that because women are the disadvantaged gender, they shoulder greater responsibility in the fight against gender injustice. Whatever the case may be, it is ironic to ask for more equal treatment one day, and the next day turn around to perpetuate actions that normalize the sexism and gender injustices you are trying to fight.
In a lot of religious circles but also some culturally conservative circles, women have been taught not to speak when men speak. In these societies, the women are to subdue and submit themselves to the authority of the men. In other societies, women are taught the right way to sit, eat, comport themselves in public, and other skills that make them ‚lady-like’. For the most part, these trainings teach women that it unbecoming of a woman to speak too loudly or strongly in public.
This is where the problem lies. It seems that women have been told to keep quiet for so long that she has forgotten to speak up about her oppression. She has forgotten to talk — and loudly — about the injustice she faces in society.
However, 2 wrongs do not make a right. Flipping through the pages of history, it is impossible to find any case where keeping quiet helped the oppressed. Women therefore should and must be the loudest voices lamenting the scourge of gender injustice, and demanding a more equal society.
While we teach men to always give women a voice and a seat at the table, we must also teach women that speaking up for themselves is equally important — too important to leave in the hands of men. She should demand to be heard, boldly. While we teach men to be fairer to women, there is an equally hefty responsibility on women to be the epitome of fairness, The duty falls on women to always hold up to the standard of fairness she demands to be treated with.
Imagine together with me. Let us imagine a world where men are taught that women are not inferior citizens. Imagine that men are taught that women as much as men, deserve all the rights and privileges that society has to offer. Also imagine that when the men step out into society, all the women they meet are self-aware of their worth and act like it. Imagine that the women they meet are not ready to degrade themselves or ask favours in a way that exploits gender stereotypes. Imagine that women are ready to stand up to and call out any act of gender injustice. This is the kind of attitude that communicates that women are ready for a change and will not take no for an answer.
I live in a small and tightly-knit neighbourhood in Southern Nigeria. In this kind of neighbourhood, everybody is in each other’s business.
One evening, I noticed that my neighbor’s kids who were all boarding school students had returned from school on a mid-term break. As is typical in Nigerian society, the kids call every older man uncle and every older lady aunty. I had missed the kids and being called uncle, so I decided to pay them a visit.
They were happy to see me. Surprised by the visit but also filled with joy, the kids jumped on me in welcome. In the ensuing chaos, one of the boys while trying to jump on me, missed a step and fell. He immediately started to cry, and loudly. His mother on hearing him cry, quickly rushed to the scene to console him, but the little boy wouldn’t stop crying. Agitated by his loud cry, his mother blurted out in frustration ‘Why are you crying like a girl?’
This question left me with some thoughts. This woman has been conditioned by society to associate crying with girls. Consciously or not, she was teaching her male children — as well as her female children — that it is not okay for men to cry. To her, just like to the majority of society, crying is a weakness that only women are allowed to show.
When mothers make statements like this, one can assume that they also act out other gender stereotypes at home. They raise children, teaching them these stereotypes from a young age. The kids grow up and live out these stereotypes, and teach them to their kids, thereby creating and maintaining a vicious cycle. As a result, we build and maintain a world where the stereotypes and inequalities of today persist into the future.
Conclusion
Yes, we as a society, and especially men, have to treat women better. Yes, we should aspire to a world where gender is not a determining factor for fair and equitable treatment.
But on the other hand, yes, women also need to sit up. Yes, more women must speak out. Yes, women must treat themselves with the same respect they demand from society. Yes, women should ensure that they don’t actively or passively validate the stereotypes society is clamouring to eliminate.
The road ahead isn’t easy and society has a lot of work to do. Women have a huge role to play in this. Learning to actively stand up for one’s self is a hard job. It is even harder when you’ve been told to sit down and keep quiet for so long. Learning to constantly uphold a high standard is also a difficult task. However, admitting that there is much work to do cannot be an excuse in perpetuity. Women, just like men, must start the difficult work of unlearning negative gender stereotypes today. This is the only way we can attain gender justice as a society.
The events described in this article happened in 2019.
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