A Disgusting Halloween Story

Pizza delivery and trick or treaters

Recently home from a long day at the office, Derek fixed himself a cocktail then picked up his cellphone to order a pizza. There was no time to cook because he had to prepare the presentation he had to give at work the next day. There were a lot of numbers to go over and it would surely take him all evening long.

With the pizza ordered Derek picked up his cocktail and his briefcase and went to his office in the back of his apartment. Turning on the light, he set his cocktail down on the coaster atop his desk then turned on the desk lamp. He opened his briefcase after setting it on the desk chair. He pulled the papers out of his briefcase, setting them atop the desk then he placed the briefcase on the floor.

Sitting in the chair, he took a healthy swig of his cocktail then lit a cigarette. Damn! he thought to himself, I work all freaking day and now I’m spending my evening working. He took another sip of his drink. At least now I can drink and smoke while I work.

And then there was a knock at his apartment door. What the hell? There’s no way the pizza is here already! He went to the door and opened it.

“Trick or treat!”

There were two costumed children at his door holding out bags for Derek to drop candy into. One of them was a boy dressed as Spiderman and the other was a girl dressed as a princess or angel or fairy or something.

Derek slapped his hand to his forehead. He had completely forgotten that it was Halloween, “Uh…. uh…. just a sec….”

He rushed into his kitchen to look for candy. It was a futile search, however, because Derek did not eat candy and never bought any and he knew that there was no candy in his apartment. But he frantically searched through his kitchen cabinets for something to give the kids. He had to give them something. He could not just say, “Sorry, I don’t have anything for you.”

He began to panic. But then he opened the cabinet that held cooking spices and he saw a glass jar of beef bouillon cubes. The cubes were wrapped in shiny red paper. They kind of looked like candy. As they were being dropped into the kid’s bags they would be practically indistinguishable from candy!

Derek unscrewed the lid to the jar and poured out several bouillon cubes into his hand. He went back to the front door and dropped a few bouillon cubes into each of the trick or treater’s bags.

“Thank you!”

The kids were quickly gone and Derek quickly closed the door. He then stepped up to the door and placed his forehead on it. What the freaking hell did I just do? I’m a horrible, horrible man! How could I do that to small innocent children? How could I give them beef bouillon cubes instead of candy?

He quickly stepped back from the door. He looked out over his living room and then quickly turned out the light. The living room window faced the street so maybe if trick or treaters saw that there was no light on they would not come to the door. Even if they still knocked on the door, Derek decided he would not answer his door for the rest of the evening.

But what about the pizza delivery person? No, that won’t be a problem. They come for tips and won’t let a darkened room stop them. Besides, I’ve got a peephole in my door.

Derek went back to his office where he took a stiff drag on the cigarette that had been burning away in the ashtray while he was answering the door. He then took another healthy swig of his cocktail and tried to focus on the papers he needed to be working on. But it was hard to concentrate because he couldn’t stop thinking about what a horrible, disgusting person he was for giving those kids bouillon cubes.

He then tried to comfort himself, It’s not like I gave them candy bars with razor blades in them. Or poisoned bubble gum or something. There’s no way a kid can get hurt from a bouillon cube. They’ll peel off the shiny red wrapper and pop it into their mouth and then quickly spit it out once they get a taste. No harm, no foul, right? And surely they won’t remember from which door they received the bouillon cubes….

Again there was a knock at the door. Derek tip-toed to the door and looked through the peephole. It was more trick or treaters. He stood there silently listening until he could tell they were gone.

Back at his desk, he sipped on his drink wondering if he was going to get any work done. Finishing the drink, he went to the kitchen to fix himself another drink in the dark. It was no problem for him. He could have done it blindfolded.

Just as he brought his fresh drink to his mouth for a first sip there was another knock at his door. He jumped a little bit, spilling a little of his drink on his hand. Setting the drink down he tip-toed to the front door and looked through the peephole.

It was the pizza delivery person!

Hallelujah! Derek took the pizza and handed the delivery woman the money then quickly shut the door, locking both the doorknob and the dead-bolt. He no longer had to check the peephole or open the door. In the kitchen he grabbed a plate and a napkin and his cocktail and proceeded with the pizza back to his desk.

He ate and drank and tried desperately to concentrate on his work. It was difficult, though, because every few minutes it seemed there was another knock at his door. Each time he jumped a little but he did not get up to answer it. Every knock set off a wave of guilt through Derek’s mind. He kept thinking about the bouillon cubes and what a horrible, disgusting person he was for giving children bouillon cubes instead of candy. But then he shook his head to clear the thoughts of guilt and re-focused on his work.

With pizza in one hand and a pencil in the other, Derek made some notations on the presentation when he suddenly started laughing. Why? Because he was picturing a kid peeling the shiny red wrapper off a bouillon cube and popping it into his mouth. He was picturing the horrible face the kid would make once the taste of the bouillon cube registered. He was picturing the kid spitting it out and yelling, “Gross!” His laughter intensified.

And then abruptly he stopped laughing and started beating himself up, That’s not funny! That’s mean. It’s cruel. It’s disgusting! What the hell was I thinking? How could I do such a disgusting thing? And how could I laugh about it?

He took a bite of pizza and went back to work. But it was almost impossible to focus because Derek kept vacillating between laughter and guilt. And knocking continued at his door.

And then he was further distracted from his work when he suddenly had an idea for a Halloween costume, Wouldn’t it be cool for a kid to dress up for Halloween as a pizza delivery person? They could wear a pizza delivery uniform and hold an empty pizza box. When someone answered a door they could say, Trick or Treat, then open the empty pizza box for candy to be thrown into. Why has no one ever thought of that? Derek laughed at his crazy idea but it was a weak laugh for he realized the idea probably wouldn’t go over well.

Finally, he had had enough pizza and went into the kitchen for another drink. Back at the desk he looked at the pizza box. He opened it up to see that there were four slices left and that is when he had another idea. Taking the pizza and his drink back to the kitchen he then turned on the kitchen light. He got out a knife and cut each remaining pizza slice in half. He now had eight thin slices of pizza. Then he got out some paper plates.

Derek decided he was going to start answering the door. Instead of giving kids candy (or bouillon cubes) he would give them a thin slice of pizza! Perhaps this would assuage his guilt and he could feel good about himself about giving kids something they would like.

He lit a cigarette and stood at the kitchen counter sipping his cocktail while he waited for a knock to sound at his door. It did not take long.

He opened the door to see four costumed kids, all of whom yelled, “Trick or Treat!” He proceeded to give each of them a thin slice of pizza on a paper plate. The kids screamed with delight. Pizza went directly into their mouths and they left with mouths too stuffed to say thank you.

Closing the door, Derek thought, Hmm, maybe kids like pizza better than candy.

After drinking and smoking some more, there was another knock at his door. This time it was three kids. He joyfully gave each of them a slice of pizza then closed the door.

After fixing himself yet another drink he looked at the kitchen counter and realized there was only one slice of pizza left. He quickly panicked. What if two kids showed up? Or three or four? He only had one slice left. So he locked the front door and turned off the lights. Halloween was officially over.

Back at his desk, Derek felt relieved. Sure, he disgustingly disappointed two kids with bouillon cubes but he made seven kids happy with pizza. He felt that he came out on top. His guilt for what he had done was, for the most part, assuaged. He would now ignore all further knocking at his door and finally get to work on his presentation. Yes, Halloween was definitely over.

Derek woke up. He slowly lifted his head off the desk. A drop of drool fell from the corner of his mouth onto his presentation. Rubbing his eyes, he looked at the clock and saw that it was a little after two in the morning. He looked at his cocktail glass and saw that it was mostly empty except for some water at the bottom of the glass from the melted ice cubes.

He stood up and went to the bathroom to pee. He then went into the kitchen and turned on the light. He saw the one remaining thin slice of pizza and promptly ate it. He then went to his desk and looked at his work. He quickly realized that he had gotten very little work done on his presentation. Turning off the light, he went to his bedroom and plopped onto the bed.

He woke up early the next morning covered in guilt. He was admonished at work for his sloppy presentation. At his desk that afternoon he was feeling thoroughly shitty about himself when suddenly he started laughing. Why? Because he started picturing some kid peeling the shiny red wrapper off a bouillon cube and plopping the cube into his mouth.

After the laughing stopped he thought, I’m such a disgusting person!

Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved.