How to Clearly Look Through Superficial Self-Esteem

Summary

The article discusses the multifaceted nature of self-esteem, challenging the common misconception that it is solely about being outwardly confident and assertive.

Abstract

The author acknowledges their own low self-esteem but critiques the societal tendency to equate quietness with a lack of confidence. They argue that true self-esteem involves humility, contentment, and vulnerability, rather than just an inflated sense of self. The article distinguishes between self-confidence in abilities and self-esteem, noting that people can excel in tasks without necessarily having a high opinion of themselves. It also points out that some individuals who appear highly confident and successful may actually be compensating for deep-seated insecurities. The author emphasizes that genuine self-acceptance is reflected in a person's ability to be modest, satisfied with what they have, and brave enough to be vulnerable.

Opinions

Self-esteem is often misunderstood as being synonymous with extroversion and self-promotion, particularly in American culture.
People who are reserved or quiet can still have a strong sense of self-worth and comfort in their own skin.
The song "Me Too" by Meghan Trainor exemplifies a skewed view of self-love that is boastful and grandiose.
There is a difference between believing in one's abilities (self-confidence) and having a healthy self-esteem; they are related but not the same.
True leaders are humble and do not feel the need to constantly prove their worth or be the center of attention.
Many high achievers are driven by fear and a need for approval, rather than a genuine sense of self-worth.
Contentment is a rare quality, undervalued in a society that constantly pushes for more achievement and validation.
Mental strength and toughness can sometimes be a facade for individuals with poor self-image.
Vulnerability is a sign of true strength and self-security, as it requires honesty about one's imperfections and limitations.
Authentic self-esteem does not require trying too hard to appear confident, driven, or strong; it is about accepting oneself as enough, just as one is.

I’ve been told that I have low self-esteem, true, I accept it. What I have a problem with is when people make this assumption based on my reserved personality. It’s as though quiet people have no confidence, which is far from the truth. Think about it, when you’re silent and no one pays you any attention but you still exude comfort, wow.

See, people define self-esteem on a superficial level, especially in America. They reward egotistical behaviors and praise the confident, driven, and strong. But it’s not always one-dimensional, genuinely self-accepting people are humble, content, and vulnerable.

Listen to Me Too by Meghan Trainor, the song probably isn’t written to be taken too seriously, but regardless, it’s a perfect example of what we deem to be self-love — boastful, grandiose, inflated view of oneself.

Confidence in specific tasks

(I use the terms self-confidence and self-esteem interchangeably as most people do, but for the rest of the article, when I bring up confidence, I’m specifically referring to someone’s belief in their abilities and judgments.)

We are envious of people who speak in front of millions because we think, boy, these people must like themselves a lot. Not necessarily, believing in oneself doesn’t equate to loving oneself. Now, I’m not saying there is no correlation between the two, but they are not the same. Numerous singers who perform fearlessly on stage struggle with self-loathing and depression.

I met a few people who were self-assured and excelled in many areas, and yet, they were some of the most insecure people I know. Because of that, they try to carry around an unwavering sense of self-confidence to prove how worthy they are. But they miss the point that being good at something doesn’t make you more valuable as a person.

Humbleness

True leaders are modest, we have seen them, they don’t go out of their way to show you what they are capable of. In fact, they are so full of esteem that any bit of arrogance would actually diminish it.

A great man is always willing to be little

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

They accept compliments with grace and defers honor to others. They don’t need to be the center of attention trying to direct traffic, they already feel good enough about who they are.

We don’t find this rare quality enough so we usually settle for the next best thing, the Donald Trump swag — a supreme, yet blind self-belief combined with a sense of deep insecurity.

Drive

Ambitious people have high expectations for themselves, but it doesn’t always come from the best place. Most high achievers are driven by fear, and there’s a difference between knowing you deserve a billion dollars and trying to prove you deserve a billion dollars.

I have a cousin who is a doctor, he’s by far one of the hardest workers I know, constantly on a mission to become somebody. He had intestinal bleeding from overstudying for his doctoral degree once, it’s just a little snippet into his insanity.

I reunited with him a few years ago and realized how desperate he is for approval. Many relentless workaholics perceive success as a cure to their insecurities, but we often have mistaken them to be natural-born winners.

Contentment

I’m not into Buddhism, but I do admire their ability to stay unaffected — withstanding the pressure to want more and become more — to not need anyone’s validation.

Listen, staying content is harder than it looks. It’s not as easy as saying “I have everything I need so I’m good”, it’s also about not being afraid to be judged for being a loser — it says a lot about someone’s opinion of themselves.

You see, all we are doing is reacting to life and fear, they are in the driver's seat, not us.

But when we have a strong sense of self, we won’t be influenced easily.

Mental strength/courage

Tough guys give off this impression that they are full of themselves; because they set healthy boundaries with this attitude of “I am who I am and I won’t change for anyone.” Strong will couple with bravado makes it look like they are comfortable in their own skin.

It’s not always the case, strong personalities are often a front to disguise poor self-image. Some people are easily hurt so they harden up.; truly strong and secure people aren’t afraid to put themselves out there.

Vulnerability

People who always express emotions appear meek at a first glance, but you’ll be surprised once you take a closer look.

For example, I’m attracted to people who don’t seem to be fazed in any situation; calm, cool, collected, always in good spirits regardless of their circumstances, but they don’t seem real.

On the other hand, when I watch someone opening up about their drug issues, relationship problems, how they fucked up, and how far from perfect they are, I feel much more connected to who they really are. Look, no human being is invincible, we all know that, but it takes a tremendous sense of security to be honest about it.

The one key difference between the first 3 traits(confidence, drive, mental strength) and the other 3 traits(humbleness, contentment, vulnerability)

What separates the two sets of qualities is this, not trying too hard.

We don’t need to try too hard to be confident, just be low profile the way we are.

We don’t need to try too hard to be ambitious, just be satisfied the way we are.

We don’t need to try too hard to be strong, just be fragile the way we are.

Authentic self-esteem is believing we are enough as it is.