ESSAY

A Deep Dive

Unapologetic, Uniquely Me

I. Am I Truly Human?

When I was a child, I read a book written by Judith Viorst called Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. In the story, every time something went wrong, Alexander wanted to go to Australia, as though that would make everything better for him. In the version I told myself, whenever something went wrong, I wanted to go to Andromeda. I loved reading so much that not only had I read all the children and teen books at my local library, but I’d also read every single Encyclopedia from A to Z at home. I was fascinated with space and the Universe and I just knew deep in my heart that living somewhere in the Andromeda galaxy would make everything better.

I felt as though I had no connection to this planet I lived on. I was super sensitive growing up, very emotional, and curious. I didn’t understand things like war, famine, homelessness and racism. They just didn’t make sense to me. I couldn’t bear conflict, so I became the family mediator. Anything that I had that someone else needed, I gave it to them — my parents were not too happy about this; I was grounded a lot. Perhaps I was a bit naive, but that’s who I was and still am. For me, there were just too many injustices on this rock and I wanted off of it. My early fascination with Andromeda helped feed the fire for Science Fiction — reading it, watching it and eventually, writing it.

II. Laughter and Joy

I discovered early on that I loved the dry humor of British comedians and would laugh loudly when watching them. As an adult, I still love British wit; I also found some American comedians that I enjoy, but the humor has to be more witty than silly. I find no humor in silliness for silliness sake.

There are certain sounds that bring a smile to my face and give me joy — babies laughing, ravens cawing, family members’ laughter, ocean waves, a cat purring, and a lover’s deep sigh of contentment. For me, these things create what I call “Gap Moments” — those moments when you hear something so beautiful that regardless of what you are doing, you must stop and listen.

III. The Doldrums

Sadness and melancholy follow me around like ghosts seeking the light and never finding it. Since I’ve been diagnosed with several mental illnesses, I take these doldrums in stride most days. Prozac, therapy and mindfulness tend to keep the worst attacks at bay.

I am still working on my fears though. I have two major ones — fear of downward stairs/escalators (probably due to falling down a long flight of stairs as a child) and the feeling that people will think I am a fraud (because since the age of six, I've had no memory of who I am and had to invent ME — that’s for another story).

IV. So You Think You Know Me?

For whatever reason, people often think I am complicated. I’ve been called an enigma more than once in my life and apparently surprise people a lot. However, I am a very quiet, introverted person. I can go days not talking to anyone and be perfectly content. I also don’t listen to movies or music very loud because I have sensitive hearing. I’ve gone hours without people even knowing I am around, unless they are looking for me. I am a night owl, love graveyards and find beauty in things that most people would find disturbing. I am not a leader or a follower. I tend to carve out my own path. And I honestly don’t care what people think of me. I don’t apologize for being my authentic self.

V. Fuck-ups? Yes, I’ve Had a Few… However

The only things I tend to fuck-up these days are my attempts at baking. I hate following recipes and will try adding things here and there that I shouldn’t and FLOP! I have to laugh because I know that baking is a science and not an experiment (so saith my Home Economics teacher from HS), but eh, I keeping doing it anyway.

So there you have it — a deep dive or a mere shallow splash into my authentic self. I am sure there are a tonne of other topics I could drag into this madness, but I will leave some of those topics for another day, another story.

Much thanks goes to Diana C. at Know Thyself, Heal Thyself for this weeks prompt: All Things Human

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Lori Carlson writes poetry, fiction, personal essays, creative non-fiction, and articles. She focuses on Spirituality, Life Lessons, Self-Awareness, Relationships, Mental Health, and LGBTQ+. She is the Owner/Editor of Promptly Written and Not For Bedtime Stories. You can find her older stories on her creative writing blog, Ravyne’s Nest and random ramblings on her personal blog, A Delicious Torment.