A Day In The Life Of Tony Stubblebine’s Cat

Indisputably Top Cat

Ok, it has to be said, life on Tony’s yacht is not the hardest gig, but like the old saying goes, it’s a tough job and someone’s got to do it. Just happens to be yours truly.

Sun Salutation

Life begins early, since Tony likes to get up and greet the day with a bit of yoga, “Sun Salutation” I understand the first part is called. I guess it comes from being from San Francisco and from hanging out with all those soap-dodging hippies. Then it is “Downward Dog”. Who would want to do that one I think? Horrible animals. Me? I just have a good stretch and wash myself, then I tuck into a nice bowl of caviar.

They give me the same stuff that Tony eats, the best Osetra Imperial Golden, though if Medium is having a bad month, we have to make do with some Beluga. Yuk, cheap and nasty I always think. They sometimes find it funny to put some champagne in my water bowl: I am not complaining, so long it is not that Prosecco again. Watered down human’s piss. Anyway, I hope Tone has got his Chakras aligned after all that yoga, as he is like bear with a sore head otherwise, at least until he has had his first coffee of the day.

Meet the gang

Then it is down for business, which for Tone is a quick scan of the newspapers, and a catch up with Scott, Adrienne, Buster, Brittany, Harris, and the rest of Medium crew, though we all know who the indisputable leader of the gang is: Top Cat. They all fly in to the helipad: more Hueys than a helicopter factory. Scott has just been released from hospital, after a nasty bump to the head. Apparently he fell over while testing out Michael Mosely’s new suggestion that you live longer if you practise standing on one leg. They had a good laugh about that one.

This morning’s meeting is about the new earnings formula. Seems some writers are whingeing about having a hard time of it, which is the main topic. They start off by debating why anyone would want to know about programming in Basic anyway, before deciding that, being the nice guys they are, everyone has to win. Now to me, this is like a modern version of pass the parcel where no kid is allowed to be disappointed, and there has to be a bag of sweets in every layer. Those authors need to toughen up. So they decide to programme the Medium bot to trawl stories about programming, to increase their earnings. I could name the bot but then I would have to shoot you. Only kidding. To give you a clue, I am “dying” to tell you. I have to sit on Tony’s lap to be stroked through all this, which is a bit weird when you think about it, but whatever. So long as I get my caviar.

Then comes the bit of the meeting where they all have to pitch a new idea for improvements to Medium. Adrienne is Director of Growth and her idea is to make Medium a Bogof (Buy One Get One Free), so you can pick up membership with a bag of doughnuts, and get a free one for a friend at Walmart, which seems a bit of a stretch to me, if you will pardon the pun.

Dreamcrusher

Then to finish the meeting on a lighter note, they play their favourite game of “Dreamcrusher”. This takes some explaining. It is a bit like a high-tech version of roulette. They spin the arrow which rotates round the names of all the authors on Medium, and they place their bets on which name the arrow will stop on. If the arrow lands on a name no-one has bet on, haha, more dreams crushed, the money stays in the kitty (see what I did there?), and they spin again.

High times

Then a dip in onboard pool for Tone and the gang, while I chase some seagulls and then soak up the rays. All that splashing around is not for me. In the afternoon Tony may have a spliff, which being in international waters is quite legal I hasten to add. He tells the flunkeys it helps him relax, after all, counting all that money is a stressful business. The other day I was downwind and caught a few lungful’s of smoke which gave me a funny turn. I was desperate for something to eat, not fussed about what type of caviar, and I had the weirdest dream afterwards, about being an author who made four figures in a month, or something ridiculous like that if I recall.

The poop deck

The other day Tone had a special visitor. I am not allowed to name them but horror of horrors, they brought a dog with them. To give you a clue the visitor arrived by a helicopter with an “X” on the side, and he and Tone sat by the pool and smoked cigars. Now as we all know, dogs are horrible creatures. At one point the evil beast slipped his lead and chased me around the poop deck, and believe me, I was pooping myself. They say that cats have nine lives and I used up one of mine then. I had to laugh when he missed me and fell overboard.

Karaoke

Then it is time for sundowners on the foredeck and some karaoke. Of course there are all the usual quips, “Make Felix join in”. Oh, very funny. “What should he sing?” Then come all the usual suggestions. ”Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”, “Honky Cat”, “What’s New Pussy Cat?, “Year of the Cat”, “Cool for Cats”, “Anything by Cat Stevens. Laugh? I nearly meowed. They couldn’t decide if “Honky Cat” should be allowed on grounds of political correctness. After karaoke, they all have to do a turn. I am not usually a fan of drag acts, but Tony’s Danny La Rue impersonation was really very good.

Then after another tough day in the fast lane, it is bed for me, though the Medium gang are still partying into the early hours. It’s hard work being a top cat.