ESSAY | MENTAL HEALTH | SPIRITUALITY

A Constant Battle

How a slight schedule change turned internal dialogues negative

As someone who suffers from mental illness, I can attest to 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊. proposal— “My outer experiences are a reflection of my internal condition.” For me, everything begins with the inner dialogues in my head — from how I will treat myself and others each day to how I will react to outer experiences overall. However, there are two external factors that help to keep me more balanced — schedules and routines. Let’s take a look at the last two months as an example of how someone with mental illness can spiral out of control due to a slight schedule and routine change that resulted in negative internal dialogues.

Some time in mid-September and all through October, my internal clock got out of whack. Part of it was taking on the extra responsibility of assisting my in-laws and another part was ragweed allergies. These are external factors and yes, they did some damage, but it was the internal dialogue that facilitated my mood swings and my overall reactions to outer experiences.

People with mental illnesses need routines and schedules in order to remain balanced. We need to do activities, sleep, take our medication and eat at the same times each day. Since I write at night (which is my main activity), I didn’t think staying with my in-laws overnight a couple nights a week would disturb my normal routine. And at first, it didn’t. I ate and took my medication before going to the care center each night I stayed over. I also took my laptop with me and wrote poetry, fiction and articles on Word or notepad and in the morning when I returned home, I transferred them to Medium. I was trying to maintain some degree of my usual work flow on Medium throughout this. However, over time, I became exhausted as ragweed season hit me, and I began to feel the heaviness of responsibility upon my shoulders (all self-inflicted, of course). The result — I slept more, ate less and often forgot to take my medication at the same time each day. My writing began to suffer and depression snuck in.

With depression comes an increase in negative internal dialogue. Suddenly all the hard work I had done to allow light into my darkness was shattered. I became more pessimistic. The world became a dark and fearful place. My mood swung like a pendulum from somewhat sad to deep despair. I’d lost any semblance of a happy place (because I am still trying to figure out what happiness means to me) and I felt myself spiraling into a deep, dark vortex once again.

Here are some of the internal dialogues I’ve endured these past months:

You are such a failure.

Just stop writing! It’s all crap!

You can’t even take on a small responsibility without cracking.

The world is a crappy place. Stay in bed.

The only thing that has prevented me from a complete mental breakdown has been my therapist. She proposed that instead of listening to those negative thoughts, I give myself permission to not write, to sleep if my body needs it, and to fight to get back to my normal routines. And I am doing just that. However, for ‘normal’ people, a month or two distraction from their norms probably wouldn’t be difficult to swing back into them. For someone with mental illness, it takes longer.

First I have to find the will, which means replacing those negative internal dialogues with positive affirmations. It can take me weeks to believe those positives are true. And while I am concentrating on that, I also have to get back to my medication, eating and sleeping schedules. Only then can I begin to incorporate writing back into my routine. Thankfully, I am almost at full steam on that again.

So yes, my internal condition does indeed reflect how I view the external experiences going on around me. I cannot even imagine how this affects ‘normal’ people since my viewpoint is that of someone with mental illness. Perhaps it is easier for them to swing from a bad mood back to a good one in a matter of minutes, hours or days. I just know how easy it is for me to spiral out of control and allow darkness back in. And in the past, I would have allowed that darkness to consume me, but not anymore. Now I fight to get back to the light and although it may take me longer than ‘normal’ people, it is a battle worth fighting for.

© 2020 Lori Carlson. All Rights Reserved.

In response to 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊.’s Weekend Prompt — “My outer experiences are a reflection of my internal condition.”

Lori Carlson writes Poetry, Fiction, Articles, Creative Non-Fiction and Personal Essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Nature, Loss, Death, and the LGBTQ+ community. Check out her personal Medium blog here.