A Christian And Death
A Poem
In my mid-seventies now My final chapters are being written Thoughts of death are unavoidable Are in fact a constant presence Impossible to ignore Demanding a response
Belief in God has long been professed by me Yet this awaits confirmation from the person that I am today Along with a total commitment that I have too often failed to give There is no other time but now Old age has stripped me of distractions Formulaic answers provide no shelter Dogma and tradition by themselves are not persuasive
Everything that has led to this juncture All my life experiences Have their meaning called into question One more/last time My purpose in life The purpose of life itself Are part of this final examination I cannot hide from this confrontation with myself
The thought that one day in the near future “I” will no longer exist Is almost too much to comprehend I vacillate between being terrified by this truth And being comforted that this constant struggle will have an end Leading to the inevitable thoughts of what happens after death Is there anything
The abstract god of philosophy The frightening god of the Old Testament The god of chosen peoples The god of the rich and powerful The god located in a place called heaven My soul finds no resonance with any of these gods
A god that is some impersonal force That underpins the universe The original mathematician A god who is some mystical Other That cannot be felt But only deduced These also do not satisfy the longing of my heart And I know intuitively that it is through my heart and not my mind That She will be found
I want a God that is not anthropomorphic Yet is personal Can be felt A God who loves all Even me Unceasingly And whom I can love If I but dare A God whose presence in Christ Demonstrated that the poor and outcastes in society Hold a special place in Her world And that all peoples regardless of sex-creed Race-sexual preference-culture All are equal in Her eyes A God who doesn’t care how She is addressed For no name can capture Her essence
The times that I have experienced in the depths of my being However briefly The presence of this God Have caused my heart to leap in anticipation Of having this for all eternity Have made me feel like bowing down in adoration and awe At this gift of having been born into Her kingdom Here on earth Turning every breath into a pilgrimage Towards everlasting connectedness to all In Her
Doubts and fears will undoubtedly remain For I am weak Yet I choose to live in hope From this day forward And forevermore