Nintendigo

A Childhood Without Video Games Is Like a Body Without Skin

The summer I spent playing the greatest video game ever made

I was 7 years old in the summer of 1996. Summer vacation. Kids were supposed to spend their days outside, swimming in the Midwest humidity and dodging roving gangs of mosquitos. Being poor had its perks. Parents couldn’t afford babysitters or any kind of adult supervision and so I’d be left alone for hours. Had a brother who could’ve watched me but that boy spent his days running around town with his ne’er-do-well buddies. So, I was left alone to my own devices. Actual devices.

Other kids had PlayStation and Nintendo 64 — I had Super Nintendo. My game collection was a well trod thing, and my parents wouldn’t buy a new system. I couldn’t get new games.

It looked to be one bummer of a summer.

One day, I went through my brother’s room to find something to do. All his stuff was junk, and the room smelled like old butter. I didn’t expect much when I moved a greasy pair of JNCO jeans — but I beheld a treasure.

That’s how I stumbled upon the innovative platforming experience of Joe & Mac.

It was an old game with a simple yet engaging plot. Neanderthals kidnapped beautiful women and the two eponymous heroes were quick to the rescue. Joe & Mac also featured a fair amount of dinosaur battles, which were delightful.

Heck, I even managed to make a friend with a boy who loved the game as much as I did. His name was Brandon, and he was beautiful. As children always do with influential media, we acted out the game in real life. Since we only had ourselves, one would play the good guys’ role and the other would act out the bad. Played rock, paper, scissors — I won, and chose the hero role.

Problem was, I had no stone wheels to throw nor any dinosaurs to throw them at. Just Brandon. We also had no women to kidnap, and then rescue. We made do, though.

For the kidnapped babe, we used a doll Brandon stole from his sister. We had no stand-in for the dinosaurs that wouldn’t be a big ol’ pain in the keester, so we kept the plot simple.

Since a stone wheel is made of stone, I gathered up some rocks. Close enough. My body was ready. I went to the neanderthal lair — Brandon’s garage — and we battled for the babe.

I pelted him with rocks until he fell on the floor, then brained him with a piece of 2x4 I used for a club. In the game, the enemies dropped meat you’d eat to refill your health bar.

Wouldn’t you know it? So did Brandon.

I was still at it when his parents came home from work. They were obviously hysterical with what I’d done, but I managed to calm things down. Took a lot of effort, but I brained them too. They had more meat than Brandon.

Totally forgot about the sister. Must’ve hid herself under the work bench.

I was just a silly kid, so I didn’t know anything about evidence. Never heard the words “eye witness” before in my life. Figured as long as I cleaned myself up, no one would know. Took a shower, tossed the clothes in the laundry basket for my parents to deal with.

I managed to remain dignified when the police came for me.

The trial was short. Mom and Dad were crying a lot. Had to be taken out of the courtroom when the jury reached their verdict. They were still there when the word “guilty” frothed out, and the police took me away. I ain’t seen nor spoken to my parents since.

It was the best summer of my life.