avatarIvylockewrites

Summary

The author discusses the topic of male entitlement, sexuality, and preferences, questioning the assumption that women are responsible for men hiding their sexual preferences.

Abstract

The article titled "A Candid Conversation About Sexuality, Preferences, and Male Entitlement" delves into the societal expectations and prejudices surrounding men who date women in public but secretly date men in private, also known as "down-low" men. The author challenges the notion that women are to blame for men hiding their sexuality, citing studies that show women are more accepting of bisexual men than men are. The author also discusses the role of homophobia perpetuated by men and the sense of entitlement that prevents men from accepting that they may have to give up potential partners to live in their truth. The article touches on the topics of ageism, colorism, and the stigma against single mothers, arguing that men are responsible for creating and enforcing these biases.

Bullet points

  • The article discusses the concept of "down-low" men, who date women publicly but secretly date men.
  • The author questions the assumption that women are responsible for men hiding their sexuality.
  • Studies show that women are more accepting of bisexual men than men are.
  • Homophobia against men is perpetuated by other men, creating an intragender divide.
  • Men may have to give up potential partners to live in their truth, but they still have the right to choose who they want to date.
  • The author discusses the sense of entitlement that prevents men from accepting that they may have to give up potential partners.
  • The article touches on the topics of ageism, colorism, and the stigma against single mothers.
  • Men are responsible for creating and enforcing biases against women, including the stigma against single mothers.
  • The author argues that women are generally accepting of gay and bisexual men, even if they choose not to date them.
  • The Black community is particularly accepting of gay and bisexual men.
  • The author encourages men to find someone who is accepting of their lifestyle and to stop blaming women for their choices.

A Candid Conversation About Sexuality, Preferences, and Male Entitlement

Rational adults only

Photo by Maksim Chernishev on Unsplash

Women are responsible for what?!

I was having a conversation with a group of people about sexuality and, specifically, down-low men.

For those who are yet unfamiliar, “down low” is a term used to describe men who date women in public but secretly date men in private. And the presumption is that the reason these men choose these lifestyles is because women don’t accept them.

Oh, yeah? OK.

But let me ask you this: Is it because women “don’t accept it” or because they don’t want to give women the option to accept or reject them?

In fact, a study conducted in 2012 revealed that women were almost equally accepting of bisexual men and women, while men were more accepting of bisexual women than men.

Also, a Vice article written in 2017 provides details of women raving about relationships between straight women and bisexual men, so clearly, it’s not as taboo as some of you are making it seem.

Moreover, I am of the belief that many women secretly accept their mate’s “hidden” lifestyles and simply do not disclose them to the public out of fear of judgment.

But is it public judgment or male judgment they’re afraid of?

For instance, according to a study conducted in 2001:

Rather than signifying a boundary between masculine and feminine or between one masculine form and another, in the minds of boys and young men, homophobia patrols an intragender divide between successful collective masculinity and male otherness.

In other words, homophobia against males is being perpetuated by other men.

Straight men are drawing the line because they believe that hetero-normative men are more valuable than homosexual ones.

Much like straight men, and yes, even many gay men seem to think they are superior to women.

So, how exactly are women to blame for the fact that men are being forced into hiding by other men? Especially when there are quite certainly overly-masculine closeted gay males whose entire public personas are antithetical to who they truly are.

These men help uphold the status quo because they can present themselves in an overly masculine way, which enables them to “pass” gaydar checks by those who only base their understanding of people and partners on what they see on the surface.

Delusional male entitlement

Photo by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash

Personally, I believe that although the world is becoming more accepting of alternative sexualities, many closeted men don’t want to accept that they may have to be willing to give up some of their potential partners in order to live in their truths.

No matter how anyone feels about homophobia or dating preferences, people still have the right to choose whoever they want to date. If you can’t get someone to date you once you reveal who you truly are, why would you want to date them anyway?

Also, as a Black “single mother” in America, I find this sense of entitlement to be absolutely ridiculous. Do you know how many videos and articles I’ve seen with men of all races telling men not to date single moms?

What’s really crazy is that it’s primarily Black men — those who are also most likely to create broken homes — who are spewing the rhetoric asserting that single moms are inferior and deserve to die alone.

Incidentally, there is hardly ever any backlash against the men who create multiple broken homes without adequately taking care of the children they create.

Yet and still, men are literally able to make countless videos encouraging men not to date single moms. Should moms hide their kids to “get a man?” That would be horrible, right?

And what about ageism? There are also countless videos telling men, especially successful ones, never to date women over the age of 25.

The same applies to darker-skinned women; colorism has been rampant in the Black community for centuries.

Even shedding light on the topic often upsets people, but if Black women started painting our skin white (or using bleaching creams!) en masse, we’d be told that the problem is that we don’t love ourselves enough, right?

We’d be slammed for being deceptive and manipulative, right? So, how is it that men are choosing to deceive their women, and, somehow, it’s still our fault?

I found a fascinating video on this topic here:

Here’s another one:

I also wrote my own article on the topic. Find it here:

I have never had issues in terms of finding mates. However, I have noticed an uptick in men who are suddenly asking specific questions about children, income, age, ancestry, etc.

This clearly demonstrates that this rhetoric is influencing men. So, I’m quite sure that these politics make it difficult for many women to secure long-term partnerships. Does anyone care about that? No.

The bottom line

Yes, as a man, if you come out as bisexual, there will be some women and men who won’t want to date you. This doesn’t justify getting into a relationship with someone you know wouldn’t date you if they knew the truth. They simply aren’t your people!

And no, this doesn’t mean I believe that all closeted men must come out of the closet now. How people choose to manage their own personal business is their choice.

Nevertheless, I think they need to take the time to find out if the person would be accepting of their lifestyle, and if they aren’t, simply find someone new. That’s how dating works.

Most of us are relatively monogamous; even polyamorous people only need a handful of partners or less. You don’t need to have sex with everyone in the world to find a mate or sex partner—end of.

To me, it sounds like the root of this is delusional male entitlement that encourages men to lie, cheat, abuse, criticize, shun, and steal to get the upper hand in business, dating, etc. It is also a major factor in why some choose to beat, k*ll, r*pe, cheat, and more.

Please do what you want (without hurting anyone), but stop blaming women for it. Men create and enforce these subcultures, stereotypes, and biases. Yes, some women go along with them, but some simply do not wish to be involved with bisexual men for their own reasons. Do they not have that right?

Either way, generally speaking, women, overall, are pretty accepting of gay and bisexual men. No matter if we choose to date them or not, we are certainly not the ones actively shunning them or enacting violence against them.

This is especially true within the Black community. So, if closeted men are looking for someone to blame, they probably need to make an in-house call.

Do you think women are responsible for DL culture?

Thanks for reading! Check out my new blog and merch store here! To support my content and projects, join my new Patreon, find exclusive content, donate to my platform, purchase holiday merchandise and body-positive tees, follow socials, and keep up with my brand across the web; check out my LinkTree!

New to Medium? Follow me, and don’t forget to subscribe to my email list! It’s free! As always, all tips, donations, shares, hand claps, comments, follows, and subscriptions are greatly appreciated!

Sexuality
Homophobia
Black Women
Misogyny
Bitchy
Recommended from ReadMedium