A Big Space for Love
How to open your heart and see the value in yourself and others
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In a lifetime colored by significant pain and loss, the following has been my experience and a most uplifting discovery.
What I have learned is this: If you can access ‘A Big Space for Love’, (as I see it) — a real space inside yourself that is not tainted by bitterness, meanness, blame, shame or other emotional blight, there is a possibility that you can become a great expression of gentleness, patience, love and respect, for yourself and other people in your lifetime.
With this spiritual advantage and lack of negative disturbance in your head, you are freed up to be ‘mentally clear and spacious’ and to notice the good in yourself, other people, creatures, nature and things — if you keep your eyes and heart wide open.
At first glance, this advice may seem simplistic and almost impossible to achieve in the constant chaos and challenges of life, but that’s why we need to access a big space for love in the first place; so we can clearly appreciate the value of anything that enters our world — good/bad or otherwise, without shutting ourselves down or becoming narrowly judgemental.
Emotional Independence
The point of this story, therefore, is to convey the wisdom and joy of being able to generate real love and respect for yourself and thereby become emotionally independent of other people. In other words, you become your own person and your opinion of yourself is the only one that concerns you.
Furthermore, with this independence, there is no reason to blame other people or circumstances for the way you are today, no matter what has gone before, as you are now in control of your thoughts and actions — and now is all there is.
‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent’ (E. Roosevelt)
From this perspective, there is no need to rely on other people or things, for comfort, support, to fill a lonely void or merely distract us from perceived boredom.
This doesn’t mean we can never lean on other people or listen to them, it just means that if we should ever be left alone for a long time, (sometimes not out of choice), we will still be in a good place emotionally — and functioning, just fine.
Personal Empowerment
In my opinion, a space for love is the most empowering, enjoyable and rewarding space we can occupy. When we choose to operate from here, everything we do and feel comes from our best intention — our best self, and this, in turn, generates good feelings in the people we connect with. It’s a win-win.
Even if, in the end, our best intention wasn’t such a good idea, we can choose to forgive ourselves, soften our feelings and not enter into personal judgments.
This is how self-love and kindness triumph; when we are truly committed to caring for and respecting ourselves, regardless of what other people are doing or saying.
Caveat: We won't always be able to occupy a space for love, as we are human and complex and sometimes have strong or ugly feelings we don’t want, but the more we try to operate from here - the better we will feel.
Understanding Ourselves
If you are someone who clearly understands yourself, please skip the next two paragraphs!
At any moment in life, anyone of us may learn that we need to pay a shockingly high price for just a little peace and calmness in the world. The truth is, we can’t always pay the price, as we don’t understand who we are, what we want or the grey areas of our minds.
We don’t know if we are brave, weak or strong, especially if we’re in pain, turmoil, a state of grief or have come from a place of long-term abuse. All this ambiguity and misfortune can derail our motivation and ability to thrive. We don’t know if we can untangle ourselves, though we try.
Ultimately though, we are all uniquely special and often complicated people, but we all need to live in a state of love and hope, regardless, as this is where we ‘enable’ our best and most humane self.
Therefore, if we have strayed into some dark, tight or unforgiving space, we must still try to return to a space of love and hope if we are to help ourselves evolve and live a healthy, happy life.
This is why it’s important for us to really ‘own’ ourselves and take full responsibility for our personal progress and our every thought and action, as sometimes life is overwhelming.
‘Owning’ Yourself
Trying to ‘own’ yourself is not an easy process for many people, but once you commit to using an independent mindset, your new wisdom and liberty will untangle you from a lot of life’s misery.
However, when you believe that you can and do ‘own’ yourself and your attitude, responses and everything that happens in your heart and soul, you are able to see your relationship with the world much more clearly and objectively. You can create and respect your own boundaries regarding people and time (and follow your own moral compass, guilt-free).
You can also understand and respect what is clearly outside of your control so you don’t try to change people or things that you simply cannot.
Moreover: — Everything that can help you to thrive as a human being, to feel substantial, empowered and free, is all inside of you; awaiting human expression.
Creating Self-Esteem
Nobody else can create self-esteem for you and it doesn’t matter how many supportive friends or fans you have; this is strictly an inside job that only you can do (and this has been my experience).
However, this has an upside. It means you don’t have to wait for anyone to start making changes. This doesn’t mean it’s easy, but like most worthwhile things, if you put in the effort, you will definitely see results.
The Backdrop of Low Self-Worth
‘Soul Blindness’
Not being able to notice, enjoy or believe in your own value, in my opinion, is the result of not being able to adopt an appreciative, open or curious mindset.
I call this ‘Soul Blindness’ — (not being able to see your own value). In my experience, this is sometimes the result of childhood abuse, humiliation, frequent long-term neglect, and rejection, or having lived with cruel, uncaring, negative or narcissistic people.
Sometimes the feeling of not having been loved by anyone — enough or ever, or the feeling that no-one has ever cared about, understood or been truly interested in you, can be deeply upsetting for a large part of life; but all is not lost.
These feelings can lose their intensity and power, by choosing to notice, appreciate and care for yourself in the following focused way.
For Good Self-Esteem — Become Really Really Curious
To encourage good self-esteem and self-appreciation, you have to start by being truly curious about yourself as a whole person. You need to ask yourself all kinds of questions and give clear honest answers. Consider your motivations, desires, and reactions in everyday life, also these simple questions below:
- What kind of things really make me happy?
- What kind of things really get me down?
- What qualities do I admire in other people? — These are sometimes your own qualities also, that are currently ‘dormant’ or unseen (by you).
All this can help with opening yourself up, improving self-awareness and understanding your true nature.
Your Personal Values
I believe that, until you can name your own values and write down a list of personal qualities and things you like about yourself, (including serious and trivial things), you don’t know how to recognize value, or love and appreciate yourself, because you aren’t aware that you have any ‘substance’.
Therefore, you can’t expect to notice your strengths or appreciate how fortunate you really are.
This obviously has far-reaching and serious consequences for your life, so is worth contemplating — and changing.
If you don’t know how to get started, below are the names of some common values — to get you thinking about your own, but the list is not exhaustive. (There are no right or wrong values; it’s all about what resonates with you).
Common Values: Honesty. Courage. Freedom. Compassion. Kindness. Peace. Connection. Relationships. Loyalty. Justice. Altruism. Family. Community. Music. Independence. Health. Morality. Achievement … and loads more.
The Game Changer
Once you become aware of your ‘Top Five Values’ and really notice how special you are, all the potential you have and the freedom you can enjoy, (assuming you live in the civilized world), it isn’t easy to return to feeling small, empty or powerless because you now occupy a self-fulfilling standpoint and can satiate yourself with your own brand of inspiration.
You have no feelings of neediness or grasping for anything (or anyone) as you’re able to use what you are made of, create personal meaning and enjoy being yourself.
Best of all, you get to know that you are SUBSTANTIAL and way more than enough!
As a result of this ‘abundance’ mindset, we enlarge our self-esteem, our world view and more importantly, our ability to love — and this is One Big Game Changer, mainly because:-
“What you can give to yourself is precisely what you can give to others” — (America Zed)
Therefore, if you believe that you’re special and deserve to be loved and treated well — by yourself and others at all times; at some level, you have decided to wholly accept and navigate all your human qualities, with compassion and respect.
This also makes it easier to accept and love other people for who they are and not for who they could be.
Your Best Self
When you have real self-love and appreciation, you can feel it, as you are able to accept (and forgive) yourself — unconditionally. The darkness, light, talent, sin, strength, cowardice, everything. This can make us more kind, understanding and tolerant towards ourselves and other people.
From this accommodating perspective, we are able to love greatly and deeply, to smile, cry, hurt and evolve in our space; to move gently through fear and grief without imposing rigidity, restriction or judgment on our feelings.
We are able to move forward and immerse ourselves in the colorful experience of life, without rushing.
There is no need to hurry, fear, repress or deny our feelings of sadness, pain, loneliness, shame, being unloved, unwanted or abused, etc, as ultimately we know that we can and will transform ourselves with unwavering compassion, time and patience.
The Power of Gentleness
The benefit of occupying a space for love is that we may heal our wounds, lay down a broken heart and any tragedies that befall us. This is where we can accept anything and evolve — in kindness, tolerance, and gentleness, without judgment.
If some wounds never heal, we may learn, in time, that one cannot be blamed for being an imperfectible human, made of unquantifiable ingredients — This is what we all are, but more importantly: We cannot be ruined in a space of self-love — Ever.
‘Our ability and willingness to love ourselves and others, especially in the face of adversity, is the most amazing, transformative and beautiful facet of human nature. Some eyes may never see, but the heart will soften and feel it most definitely’. (America Zed)
Why Love Is The Answer
Living in a big space for love means that you’re still human and full of contradictions, but your heart is not exclusive or confined but like an open and spacious room. From here, there is no need to prove anything, hurt anyone, court misery or promote it, as you occupy the most valuable and beautiful standpoint, i.e. Love.
You are a vital part of the cure for indifference, violence, and hatred that can seem all too pervasive in one lifetime. You may help fragile and forgotten people and other creatures thrive, by your willingness to love so many, despite themselves; with open arms, tolerance, and devotion to a better world.
© America Zed. Other writing by America Zed.
