A 70 year old woman looks at her body.

I don’t like what I see so I’ll change the way it looks.

I open my eyes as light comes in between the blinds and the glow at the end of the hall tells me the sun is up. I yawn and stretch and try to come to life, sings Dolly Parton in my head.

I lie in bed on my back take my hands and pull my knees one at a time to the opposite shoulder. Gotta stretch that piriformis buttock muscle. Having a tight piriformis is not good. It makes you a tight-ass.

I got up, walked past the mirror toward the bathroom and came to a screeching halt. I stood gawping at my reflection.

What the hell is that? I stared at the mirror. What is going on in that middle section. It looks like a melted candle caving in on itself. I splayed my fingers around my sides turning to and fro to check if what I felt was what I saw. I’m afraid so. All those ripples are the same shape as a Dairy Queen soft-serve cone of vanilla. When did that happen?

You notice I didn’t say what a piece of shit I am. I simply said I don’t like the way this looks.

I’ve always had body issues. But the issues aren’t the same at this advanced age of 70. I’ve matured. Now I don’t give myself grief and call myself horrible names about my lack of character or that I don’t deserve to live because I have added a few pounds.

I simply make an observation. The observation is, there is fat there and I don’t want it there. Case closed. Next point, what do I do about it?

My observation has nothing to do with what I imagine other people think about it. I have no idea what other people think about it. It is about what I think about it. And I think I would rather have my body in better shape.

I see it as self-care.

I try to eat right and I walk 45 minutes every day. I very seldom eat sugar or white food, you know, bread, potatoes, white rice, that white food. Well, apparently, it’s going to take more than what I’ve been doing to shift this situation.

What would it be like to have a slim, fit flexible body?

What would it take to make a commitment to get totally slim and fit instead of going the half-assed route of just keeping the pudge at bay.

What would that take on a daily basis? How would I do it? What kind of mindset would I have to have? What would make it worth the effort?

This situation is going to take some Xena the Warrior Princess kind of attitude. Light and fluffy is not going to cut it.

I’m willing to throw some money at a solution to demonstrate to myself that I am serious and that I care.

I want a new approach. A fresh start. I have loads of exercise programs on my computer. I haven’t used them much. It would be cheaper to go back and use those.

I don’t want to go back, I want to go forward. Something new. Something that matches where I am now.

I start looking on the internet for something that suits me now.

I absolutely detest those programs labeled for over 50. I find them condescending as if the more mature of us need to be set apart from the rest of humanity.

How about letting us decided what we are capable of doing.

I see there are a lot of programs that separate all the body parts. Here are some exercises for arms, for legs, or for the butt. Nah, that doesn’t sound right.

Oh, here’s one for all over strength. That’s the ticket. All over strength. That’s what I want. All the body parts working together. Mindset, food and exercise.

Here take my money, all that for $54.00. Seems like a bargain. An investment. This program is going to be hard. What’s wrong with doing hard things? I can do hard things. That’s better than doing mediocre things and getting not so great results.

And so it begins.

The program suggests that I start tracking my food intake. I don’t see the need because I have already cut out the problem foods.

I go ahead and drive all the way to the other side of town to Wally’s and throw $19.95 and some Xena energy at a digital food scale. More confirmation that I am serious about this.

Tracking my food for the day, I am gobsmacked to discover that my fat intake is over 50% of my calories. Well, I guess coffee with cream and a pat of butter twice a day adds up. Maybe it is the egg salad spread on pork rinds instead of bread that made the difference. Give that a try. It’s delicious and crunchy.

It could be the homemade crispy coleslaw with extra Duke’s mayonnaise. Or the sugar-free chocolate, almond butter candy. Or the almond flour toast. Or the walnuts.

Ok. I get the message.

My program suggests I start with 1300 calories per day. My macros should be 40% protein, 30% fat and 30% carbs. The program also is in favor of not excluding certain food groups as long as the macros follow the percentages. I can have a banana? Cool.

This going to take some planning ahead, shopping and chopping. Well, what else do I have to do with my time?

I will start the exercises on Monday, in addition to my daily walks. I chose the most basic body weight exercises on the available list. We will see how this goes.

I’m excited to see how I change internally from this quest. What will happen if I refuse to accept mediocre?

I am called to action by Rasheed Hooda. He asked, What are some of the ridiculous ideas that have guided you to become a better version of yourself?

OK, Ratshit, you are on. Hold my banana.

I will keep you all posted as this adventure progresses.