Chile is F**ked-Who Gives a Shit About Chile?

Chile has entered its 13th consecutive year of drought.

Surprisingly, Chile isn’t even listed in the top ten of countries most likely to experience a drought. Nobody really gives a shit about Chile except the Chileans. Why would we? We’re a greedy world looking after our own needs.

It’ll pass, right? These things always do. 13 years is simply bad luck.

We’ll continue to eat tacos in the morning and fist punch the air when the next touchdown lands on the grid. I mean, it’s fucking Chile, right? More scaremongering from the Western world of newspaper headlines. It’s not the entire country of Chile, only the capital Santiago. They have more space to move. Sure, there’s a mountain range that inhibits living and growing crops, but it’s only fucking Chile.

We can live without Chile.

How many famous Chileans can you name? Barely three right? A country that has the WORLD’S BIGGEST SWIMMING POOL should have no trouble conjuring up water. Fucking Chileans. When you choose to live in a country with the Earth’s DRIEST spot (the Atacama Desert) you’d figure it would be a clue to future droughts.

Chile had it coming.

Longest coastline in the world? They’re literally hemmed in by water and yet they’re in their 13th year of drought. Even the penguins will choose to scuttle somewhere else or go do whatever the fuck Chilean penguins do.

And how is Chile coping with the drought? Santiago has announced a water-sharing scheme. Rotating water cuts for 1.7million of its 6 million inhabitants. These will take place every four, six or twelve days depending on how greedy the dried-up cotton-mouth folk become.

Look around, it’s not just Chile, which nobody gives two fucks about. How is the US coping? The left side shows the week ending April 2012. The right is April 2022. Is it unusually hot where you live?

It looks to me like Oregon is burning up along with New Mexico and Arizona. Who cares about those states right? Fucking Arizona has always been a desert. And Oregon? What has Oregon ever given the world?

There are a gazillion websites tracking worldwide drought. Every country in the world is suffering from drought in at least one area. Should we care? Do you give a crap about Dunedin in New Zealand? Or Christchurch? We could live without those cities, right?

The same rules apply on a global basis. The drought areas are shit-holes with few inhabitants that the rest of the country happily mocks. People in Dunedin are all Scottish and talk funny. It helps to generalize the inflicted. Dehumanize those fuckers. We don’t want to think of those inbreds as people with families and relatives and aunties and uncles and grand-children with nannas and babies with hungry mouths to feed.

Let's all laugh at Australia too. It’s not just Sydney that has bush fires. Fuck Queensland. Bunch of redneck savages in that part of the world.

It’s landlocked Europe that is due to suffer most. If you think a war in Ukraine is upsetting, wait till you see what drought does for immigration. Literally, millions of people are forced to migrate as countries fall apart in their quest for water. An army marches on its stomach but an entire population will relocate for water.

As with Chile, the world doesn’t need Moldova or those Chads in Essex. Who wants another series of ‘The Only Way is Essex’? Everyone knows Africa is fucked. Did the world end when wave after wave of drought swept the continent in the 80s? And then the 90s…early noughties…10s and 20s…shit…when has Africa not been in a drought? Currently, only Madagascar, Benin, Morocco and Togo are suffering.

Regardless of how dire the situation is, somehow the world keeps on turning and the droughts pass by. Water shortages are a summer event and everybody is happy as long as the sun keeps on shining. What’s not to love?

Ignore the doomsayers, we’re all going to be alright.

Sure, sacrifices have to be made. Australia has to be ignored more than usual. We’ll have a charity drive to help raise funds for poor, water-starved Aussies. Nicole Kidman will stop botoxing her face so she can show the real depth of emotion that once won her an Oscar in 2002. And we’ll all cheer as Eric Bana and Hugh Jackman strip down for the LTBQ+ community to raise more than just funds.

Do you see? It’s not that bad.

A world without an Aussie accent is a peaceful place. A world without a Chilean isn’t that exceptional. A world minus Moldova…well…where the fuck is Moldova anyway? And a world without Africa is doable as the global community already tries its best to ignore the continent.

Fuck Chile.

Hand me another glass of that ice-cold water, I’ve got a thirst that needs quenching in this beautiful, endless summer.