97% of Kids with LGBTQ Parents Report School Staff/Student Bullying

GLSEN calls them forgotten victims of a right-wing anti-LGBTQ crusade … as I think about my own ‘parental rights.’

The overwhelming majority of student participants (96.6%) reported feeling excluded from a school or classroom activity at some point over the past 12 months because of having an LGBTQ+ parent or caregiver.

— from a study recently published by GLSEN, COLAGE, and Family Equality.

Wanna talk about parental rights in education? As a gay man who championed my foster son during his difficult school years, I think I’m qualified for the conversation. To listen to the right today, “parental rights” reduce to erasing queer people from classroom discussions or instruction, ordering teachers to out transgender or gay students to unsupportive parents, or removing books about transgender and gay people from school libraries.

For me, parental rights have little to do with those issues, which feel cruel to me, more about ignoring students’ own fundamental rights as human beings. For me, parental rights have everything to do with helping parents support their children. And I should know a thing or two about that!

It’s hard for me to believe my adventure parenting a teen concluded nearly 20 years ago. How does time fly so fast?

My gay partner and I had a shocking experience sheltering a child in need. I say “shocking” because even though we lived in Montreal — a decidedly secular city mostly free of traditional religious homophobia — neither of us could wrap our minds around how our neighbors treated us.

I’m from the U.S. Bible Belt, my partner hailed from rural Australia, and neither of our conservative families were supportive. So, we did not expect what happened in Montreal!

When the school teacher across the street started inviting us over regularly to share recipes, parenting tips, and a few laughs … we briefly (I’m ashamed to report) wondered if there was a catch.

TLDR: There wasn’t.

We wondered if our foster son Brent would feel comfortable having his peers meet his new gay dads. I sure wasn’t comfortable! I presumed poor Brent would get bullied.

TLDR: That did not happen.

When the time came for social-worker home visits and official meetings to formalize permanent custody arrangements, I feared the other shoe would drop and Brent would be sent elsewhere.

TLDR: That didn’t happen either.

Instead, we were offered tremendous support and resources — from our entire community, official and unofficial.

We needed that support.

Our life as a family was far from roses. Brent faced almost overwhelming challenges posed by health problems caused by severe neglect early in life. As a family, we were so joyful to be able to focus on overcoming those challenges rather than on overcoming homophobic opposition to the fact that we loved one another.

“They think gay children [children who have gay parents] are gay, so they’re afraid to have more contact with me, saying I make them sick.”

— more from the GLSEN study

To our family, parental rights meant the right to help a child grow into happiness and health as an independent adult

Nothing about the rights and support extended to us meant indoctrinating Brent— not about religion, not about sexual orientation or gender identity, not about anything. Of course, it’s not actually possible to “indoctrinate” someone into being LGBTQ.

I’m just making a point.

I’m a cisgender, gay, atheist man, and an omnivore who sometimes (cough) eats more meat than my doctor advises. I have zero affinity for spiritual practices, which I dismiss (for myself) as meaningless.

But Brent grew into his own special self, not a clone of either of his dads.

He’s cisgender and straight, a strict vegan, and he’s got a typical Montreal admiration for non-institutional spirituality. (He also grew into rolling his eyes over my music choices, but I guess that’s expected!)

Isn’t being his own person exactly who he should be?

We had to share some basic information about our family, and I said that I had two moms. The students made fun of me, and the teacher told me that I couldn’t participate in this activity anymore because I ‘spread propaganda.’

— also from the GLSEN study

A new study just shocked me. U.S. kids with parents like me overwhelmingly report bullying, exclusion, and other mistreatment in school.

I’ve already teased you with three excerpts from the study, a collaborative effort by GLSEN, COLAGE, and Family Equality, so you probably know where I’m going, but please try to make time to read the whole thing. For a quick down and dirty, over the summer of 2022 researchers surveyed 612 middle and high school students with at least one LGBTQ parent or guardian.

They found:

• About 67% of kids surveyed reported experiencing verbal harassment during the 2021/22 school year because they have LGBTQ parents.
• Nearly 65% experienced physical harassment like shoving and pushing because they have LGBTQ parents.
• 62% said they were physically assaulted, kicked, punched, or injured with a weapon for having LGBTQ parents.
• 84% reported being mistreated by their teachers because they have LGBTQ parents.
• 68.6% reported being discouraged by a teacher, principal, or other school staff from talking about their LGBTQ parent(s) or family in class or at school functions. Of students who reported this type of experience, 13.7% reported that it occurred frequently.
• 72% reported being mistreated by other parents at school activities because they have LGBTQ parents.
• 96.6% (Nearly all!) reported feeling excluded from a school or classroom activity at some point over the past 12 months because of having an LGBTQ parent or caregiver.
• Students with a transgender parent reported significantly higher rates of mistreatment than those with cisgender parents.

The researchers say a wave of anti-LGBTQ state laws labeled as “parental rights” is linked to the mistreatment, which they say is getting worse instead of better:

This [mistreatment and exclusion of the children of LGBTQ parents] restricts young people’s autonomy in schools, narrows the definition of family, uses parental rights to erode LGBTQ+ youth rights, and creates a culture of discrimination, bias, and violence. Given that the surveys that informed this report were conducted at the onset of the increase in attacks, this report does not reflect the impact of the bills on the current school climate. Now, more than ever, it is imperative that we prioritize our understanding of how students with LGBTQ+ parents and caregivers experience their schools in order to ensure that all students can thrive.

LGBTQ parents also have parental rights. Critically, our children have human rights.

I don’t think I should finish this story without pointing out that my experiences in Montreal supporting a child with multiple mental-health diagnoses is pretty ordinary for queer parents. According to the Williams Institute at the UCLA law school, transgender and gay people are much more likely than cis/straight people to foster and adopt. When we do, we’re much more likely to offer homes to kids who are hard to place because of age, ethnic origin, race, or physical/mental disability.

Our kids are, on average, more likely to need acceptance and support at school to help them overcome obstacles and grow into the best versions of themselves.

My queer family was Brent’s last chance, actually. Because of his disabilities, his next stop would have been a locked institution where his opportunities to thrive would have been minimal or nonexistent.

I have to ask myself, what would have happened to him if he’d been bullied or mistreated at school because of his new gay dads? What if he’d gotten in fights? What if he’d shouted at teachers who told him not to discuss his family? What are the odds the system would have eaten him alive?

I think that’s a question we should all ask ourselves as the “parental rights” debate surges across the U.S. and Canada.

If we’re thinking about our rights as parents in terms of restricting the rights of children to thrive, something is wrong with how we’re thinking.

Almost 97% percent of the children of LGBTQ parents report mistreatment at school!

Seriously? How did we get to that place, and how can we fix the problem? Also, what about LGBTQ kids themselves? If just having a queer parent is enough to spark abuse, what about actually being LGBTQ?

Discussing solutions, COLAGE Executive Director Jordan Budd told LGBTQ Nation that, “Parents’ rights can’t just be the domain of conservative folks that are uncomfortable with how the world is changing.”

I could not agree more! He added, “Our families are here. They deserve to go to school peacefully and exist peacefully.”

That’s so basic, I think decent people everywhere (meaning most people) thoroughly get it. But loud minorities of extremists — the book banners, the Don’t Say Gay supporters, etc — clearly don’t agree. Budd and the study’s authors urge all parents and concerned community members to get involved and become the positive change.

What we can do

The report recommends that school districts adopt “clear guidelines” that prohibiting discrimination against LGBTQ students and students with LGBTQ parents. The authors call on the Department of Education to publish guidance stating that Title IX protections also prohibit discrimination against students with LGBTQ parents.

They call on the Biden administration to provide clear Title IX guidelines to school districts to prevent districts from enforcing book/curriculum bans and anti-LGBTQ laws in a way that creates a hostile environment for LGBTQ students and LGBTQ families.

If we want to help in that effort, we have to get out and vote in national elections. That’s priority number one in the U.S. If the Republican Party ends up controlling the federal government after next year’s elections, then hostile school climates will become much worse, with no hope of federal relief.

Budd particularly calls for our involvement on the local level, though.

He says it’s critical for parents and the cis/straight allies of queer families to “step up.” I’ve interviewed GLSEN leaders in the past who echo Budd. They urge us to attend local council and school board meetings. If we live in the community, we have a right (and a responsibility) to be heard.

Our voices matter.

Do you have kids in school? Are you an LGBTQ ally? Budd asks you to join your PTA and speak up to defend the rights of LGBTQ families to live and study in peace as valued members of your community.

That message resonates and it needs to be heard, today more than ever. If you’re a queer parent, I know you’re probably already doing everything you can. If you’re an ally shocked by this study, can you ask yourself how you can increase your level of community involvement?

It takes a village.

96.6% of the children of LGBTQ parents need you to become loving members of their village!

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