9 Years Later: A Message to My Bullies

My dear bullies, I don’t hate you

I’m not sure how the human brain works. But what I do know is, if you expose it to months of both — mental and emotional torture, it can change the way the person perceives the world. Trust me; I can say that from experience.

It’s been nine years since I was bullied back in middle school (for an entire year), and it took me the rest of my school life and more to put myself together again. To love me and to be proud of who I am.

It took me almost a decade to heal the damage done to me in one year.

I don’t carry any hatred for my bullies within me anymore. In fact, If I met them today, I’d say something completely different from what I would’ve said nine years ago. Here’s what I’d say today:

I Can’t Forget, but I Can Forgive

I forgive you, all three of you. Not because you deserve forgiveness, but because I need to let go of the hatred inside me. I forgive you not for you, but for me.

I choose to make space in my mind and heart for new experiences and happy memories. To do that, I need to let go of the bad memories you gave me. And to do that, I need to forgive you.

That does not mean I will forget how you all did me wrong. That does not mean I will trust you now. Trust is something you earn; you can’t get trust handed to you.

You have made me stronger and taught me that not everybody wants to see me thrive. I will not forget the learnings you gave me, and as sad as it makes me to say, I will not forget the importance of suspicion that you taught me. So that I don’t let others take advantage of me the way you all did.

A little suspicion is important for survival. I learned that the hard way.

I Wish You a Good Life

Something that I have realized as I’ve aged is that people don’t bully others because they are strong. They bully others because deep inside, they are insecure about themselves and scared. Bullying is just a coping mechanism to feel powerful and better about themselves.

It’s crazy to think that you are just as fucked up as you made me feel. It takes every ounce of effort for me to say this but: I wish you a good life.

Maybe your childhood wasn’t good to you, maybe things at home weren’t great. None of that makes what you did to me acceptable, but I can’t help but feel for you as well. I hope your life is kinder to you in the future. I hope you feel complete and happy, and make this world a happier place. I hope you learn from your mistakes.

And I hope you strive to be better than what you were.

I Am Stronger than You Thought I Was

Hey, look at me! I’m still here, I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I’m thriving. Sure, there were days when I felt down, felt as if things wouldn’t get better, but I still pushed through. No matter what life or you threw at me, I kept fighting back.

Maybe you wanted me to break, maybe you didn’t. I can never be certain about that. What I know for sure is that you thought I was weak. You even made me think I was weak. But after all that I’ve been through, I’m anything but weak.

Thanks for showing me what I’m capable of. Thanks for showing me that I’m one tough bastard.

My dear bullies, I don’t hate you.