9 Ways to Be a Better Spouse
What to know before you say, “I Do.”
There aren’t many married couples I look to and say, “Wow! I can’t wait to get married again.” If pressed, I can think of two marrieds who inspire me to possibly speak those two little words someday. So many couples have that cheerless vibe that makes me want to run in the other direction from taking those vows and live out the rest of my life decidedly unmarried.
If I were to get married again, here are the things I’d do better.
1) Fire needs air
Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. — Esther Perel
Togetherness is fun. But keep in mind, for desire to burn between two people, there needs to be some separateness. It’s possible and preferable to live together and not tell your partner every single thing the skates across your mind.
Keep some things to yourself.
Esther Perel, therapist and author of Mating in Captivity, writes, “for there to be fire, there needs to be air.” That means some separation has to be between two people for desire to have a chance to thrive.
We seek intimacy to protect ourselves from feeling alone; and yet creating the distance essential to eroticism means stepping back from the comfort of our partner and feeling more alone.
Be willing to tolerate separateness to allow desire room to breathe. Have friends outside of marriage and mutual friends, have your own activities that bring you joy, as well as shared activities.
Do this instead:
Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have a right to know every thought in your mate’s head. To be a good spouse, you can’t demand admittance into your partner’s private thoughts, as many couples do, especially since the overshare mentality culture ushered in by social media. You aren’t entitled to unrestricted access to your partner’s thoughts just because you decided to spend eternity with them.
Yet in our efforts to establish intimacy, we often seek to eliminate otherness, thereby precluding the space necessary for desire to flourish.
2) Have sex
You may disagree, but when you have regular sex, it breeds intimacy. The hormones dopamine and oxytocin — the byproducts of sexual arousal and attraction — create bonding and bliss.
In my current relationship, regular sex is one primary factor to why we have so few problems. That may sound backward, but it takes less energy to have sex than to not have sex.
According to studies, 15 to 20% of couples are in sexless marriages. Yikes. I’m betting if one person wants to have sex and the other person does not, it becomes a huge issue in the marriage and sucks a lot of energy away from other positive aspects. The lack of sex colors the whole relationship and eventually becomes the main issue.
Do this instead:
Have sex with your partner.
Caveat: Partners need to treat each other well. You need a good relationship for this rule, but if you’re open to this in a healthy equal partnership, having frequent sex will keep at bay other power struggles that creep into relationships when there isn’t a lot of intimacy.
I am not a therapist. I do have years of experience with men, therapy, love, and being in a long-term marriage.
3) You both need self-respect
One of the reasons my partner and I find ourselves tangled between the sheets more often than most is because we respect one another and ourselves.
We know who we are, we make good decisions — together and apart — we each have healthy boundaries, we communicate well, and we each take responsibility when we screw up. We both know an apology is “I’m sorry,” full-stop and not an “I’m sorry, but…you, you, you.” This demonstrates we have respect for ourselves and our relationship.
If you don’t respect your partner, get out. You don’t belong there. Everything else hinges on that.
4) Have a kid-glove marriage
Just like there are rules in Fight Club, there are rules when arguing in a marriage. The rules are simple but serious,
Don’t say something you will later regret because you can’t take it back.
It is out there. In the ethos. You said it, your partner will not likely forget anytime soon something horrible you say in the heat of an argument. Not agreeing is part of any intimate relationship; it is how we navigate through tense disagreements that count.
Do this instead:
The rules are no name-calling, no screaming, no belittling, no interrupting, no shaming.
It doesn’t mean you will always agree. You won’t agree on everything, that’s what makes it interesting. It is how you listen and treat your spouse during disagreements that count.
Practice the Golden Rule: Treat your spouse how you like to be treated.
Maya Angelou said,
Words are things, I’m convinced. I think they get on the walls. They get in your wallpaper, they get in your rugs and your upholstery and your clothes. And, finally, into you.
5) Speak less, listen more
Far too often, people underestimate the power of listening skills in a relationship — especially a relationship with someone you see and talk to every day.
We tend to take advantage of those we claim to love simply because they are always there, by our side, sharing our space, sharing our bed, eating nearly every meal with us. I would argue these are the relationships we need to honor with our most present self, and that includes listening attentively.
Be as passionate about listening as you are about wanting to be heard. — Brené Brown
Have you ever noticed the less you speak and the more you observe, listen and think before talking, the less drama you encounter? Listening with your whole being (phone down, eyes up, making contact) puts people at ease and makes you the most valuable person in the room. Listening with your whole being says, “I’m here, I’m listening. I want to hear what you have to say.”
All of us want to be seen, heard, and valued, which requires one to listen. When you feel heard by your SO, it creates intimacy, trust, and respect.
Do this instead:
Turn down the volume on your own thoughts and switch the channel from “me” to “you.”
When our partner says something we disagree with, or threatens our sense of self, or challenges us in some way we didn’t see coming, we focus on the emotional impact it is having on us — and not on the words our partner is sharing — their experience.
We completely forget this person is separate from us with their own thoughts and feelings that may not align with ours 100 percent of the time. We become laser-focused on their words’ perceived impact instead of what our partner is trying to communicate. This is a missed opportunity for a deeper connection.
In other words, treat your spouse like a stranger you are trying to impress by listening without preconceived notions.
You will have very few problems when you do.
6) Accept influence
I’ve been deeply in love twice, both times with incredibly stubborn men. Probably because I can be quite bull-headed myself.
My latest fella rarely excepts influence from anyone. Even me, sometimes (he is better at this now after being together for some time).
It was maddening when he finally came to a conclusion that I’ve been telling him for a few years.
Do this instead:
Women (most likely because of the culture in which we are raised) are better at accepting influence from their partners — men, not so much. Men, when you listen to your spouse and occasionally take her advice, experience, opinion and fold it into your life, this shows her you have respect for her views and ideas.
For men, accepting influence from their partner is the single most important action a man can take to make a difference in an area of conflict (this is true in same-sex couples too).
In researching over 3,000 couples over seven years, John Gottman, an American psychological researcher, clinician, and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work discovered men who allow their partner to influence them relate effectively with their partners.
Accept influence from your spouse. It is a huge turn on. It says, “I value you and your opinion.”
7) Do not criticize your partner, especially in public
I know a woman who criticizes her husband in public — on social media. It’s uncomfortable to read. It doesn’t make him look bad; it makes her look bad, as well as their marriage look like a sham.
Do not criticize and go for the jugular in public or private.
According to Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute, contempt is the single most corrosive behavior in a couple’s relationship and the number one predictor of divorce. Treating others with disrespect, disdain, mockery, name-calling, aggressive humor, and sarcasm are examples of contemptuous behavior. Dr. Gottman says,
When we communicate with contempt, we are truly mean…hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority, especially moral, ethical, or characterological.
Do this instead:
Your partner should be a friend, not just a lover. It’s amazing when I see people treat their spouses with less kindness than they would the check-out clerk at Trader Joe’s or the barista at Starbucks.
When you criticize and belittle your spouse, it could lead to contempt if it goes unchecked. Contempt is the kiss of death to a relationship. It is one of the hardest things to get past once you have reached a feeling of this magnitude toward your partner because it involves a profound sense of dehumanization.
Be careful in the words you choose with your loved ones. They are unlikely to forget when you are cruel.
8) Use nonverbal communication
There are other languages for closeness.
Has your partner ever asked you or have you asked your partner, “Why won’t you tell me?” Talk to me? You should be able to tell me anything?” Sorry, women, we do this more than men.
This isn’t a way to get a non-talker to open up when he doesn’t want to, nor should he have to on your timeline. You can’t force someone to “open up” or be a part of talk intimacy. Instead, try other ways.
Do this instead:
When words are unavailable, try doing nice things for each other, start a project together that is fun for both of you, bring your spouse a cup of tea or her favorite night-time beverage without being asked. A smile, a wink, a shoulder rub expresses attunement, involvement, and attention.
As someone who doesn’t like to talk much, I know you can cultivate intimacy in silence.
9) Play like you’re on a team
Successful couples know and act like they are on the same team. There’s no working against each other or competing. Both partners are very much looking out for the team as a whole while not ignoring their own needs for fulfillment outside the marriage — not sexual, but things that bring satisfaction and personal growth.
For example, I started taking piano lessons just because. It brings me joy. It also makes me a better partner because I’m getting fulfillment outside my relationship.
Do this instead:
Good partners pick up the slack when the other can’t. Life comes with many ups and downs, and one person can’t always be the strong one in every situation. You need to takes turns.
Relationships aren’t always 50/50. Sometimes, they’re 70/30. Sometimes 80/20, and sometimes they’re 100/0. It’s a give and take.
Somedays, your partner gives 20, and you give 80, and somedays it’s the other way round, but combined, try to hit the 100 mark. If you pay attention and stay attuned to your spouse, you’ll know where they are, and if you don’t, just ask.
It will be obvious when you give your spouse the attunement they deserve.
You were the one who said “yes” to marrying them after all.
Jessica is a writer, an online entrepreneur, and a recovering type-A personality. She lives in Los Angeles with her extrovert daughter, two dogs, and two cats.
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