TIME TRAVEL

9 Time-Travel Packing Essentials

Escape from 2020 in Style

With all that everyone rightfully loathes about 2020, it seems appropriate to offer an olive branch of sorts — from our era to yours. Although it seems that every year for the past however many years your collective unconscious has asked “how can it possibly get any worse?” And every New Year seems to bring forth its own uniquely obnoxious answer to that question.

You deserve a getaway. We have a feeling that, for most of you, this will be a one-way trip. Like any good host, we’ve taken the time to compile the following handy list to mitigate any time-culture shocks or inter-eon faux pas.

What to Pack:

1. Open Mind. Judgments are so pre-second Millennium.

2. Appetite. Food is growing on everything, everywhere. Even in the navel of a wombat now, apparently.

3. Good sneakers. Since the Great Car Disenchantment of 2083 (too complex to explain using your current vocabulary), there’s been a resurgence in walking. We walk everywhere. Especially in Los Angeles (!)

4. Padded clothing. Overpopulation-armor. It’s like bumper-cars here.

5. Any unopened, unused Roomba. Considered an heirloom-robot. You could make a fortune. Or at least more than the ridiculous amount you paid for it in 2014.

6. BYOP. Pillowcase! Long story. Suffice to say, couch-surfing is still a thing.

7. Your smartphone. Yes, it’s considered super-dumb now. But, hey, if it still works?!

8. Your Quarantine Virtual Reality Tilt Brush Masterpieces. Old hat. But just in case you get homesick for the hellhole that was 2020. It’s been known to happen. And we needn’t remind you that the Singularity business was a crock.

9. An umbrella. This one’s for us. We’ve only seen them in pictures. Just curious.

Bonus! You can leave behind the following:

1. Passport. It’ll all be 3D printed to your forehead when you get beamed in.

2. Shampoo. Hair and scalp are custom auto-cleaned and styled by laser and homogenized anchovy skin now.

3. Jell-O. What were you Americans smoking?

4. Chargers. These went out around the same time as they stopped wearing swimsuit briefs in the landmass now known to you as “Europe”. Both long-overdue, if you ask us. Actually, you already have most of what you call “Holy-Grail Energy” but the Illuminati…well, you know the drill.

5. Hand sanitizers. Surprise! You’ll just have to wait and see on this one.

6. Your nostalgia. Very early 21st century. So useless.

7. Contemporary North American English with its “likes” and “ums”. Again: useless.

8. Your current leaders. We’ve got our own problems, kids.

There it is. Universal laws of time-immigration and customs in a nutshell. Can’t wait to see you lucky 2020-escapists!