9 Steps to Becoming Famous on Medium

After months of careful analysis, I have discovered a few tactics that seem key to the success of many stories on Medium. Using the latest bleeding-edge technology from the Hyper Mega Success Accelerator Academy, an entrepreneurial thinktank my cofounder-in-crime, Brandon Springer, and I acquired from a digital grifter for 4,000 Shiba Inu coins, I’ve isolated a proven nine-step strategy guaranteed to make you a Medium celebrity.

1. When seeking digital dopamine via claps and followers, it’s always best to completely forego any form of authenticity. Whatever makes you you, delete that shit into the digital abyss. You are perfectly normal, but also weird…but just the right amount of weird. Very special and unique, but normal. Everyone else is weird in a creepy way or above normally normal and boring. Never presenting authenticity means you can never be criticized. Think of it like a dating profile, the goal should be to use conflicting descriptions to avoid ever revealing anything of substance.
2. Always begin your writing with something to the effect of “This will piss some people off, but…” as ragebait to get people’s rageboners throbbing with anticipation (I actually tested this out in one of my previous stories). Manufactured personalities thrive on manufactured outrage.
3. Controversy is currency. For added effect, use it to discuss a polarizing political issue. Polarization is a powerful weapon, as it draws like-minded people further into your echo-chamber, while scaring away anyone who might challenge your beliefs. This allows you to essentially Balkanize your corner of the internet. It’s not subversive, it’s engagement farming.
4. Whenever possible, discuss how other users’ comments on your writing are irritating you as a not-so-subtle humblebrag about the fact you are a highly-sought-after commodity. If this doesn’t work, try selling feet pics to your audience. Sex sells, so letting your audience know you will only sell your soul for the right price establishes you as a rare commodity in the marketplace of moral degeneracy.
5. Always, always insult the opposite sex. Nothing drives engagement on Medium like a good argument. Your goal here is to ride the rage wave to newfound heights in views and revenue. If you’re a woman, you instantly gain +10 speech and +20 persuasion via the “Yasss, Queen.”
6. Unless you’re trying to whiteknight, then insult all other men to show the world you are a true feminist ally. You are more of a woman than the women who disagree with your hot takes. But only until a woman rejects you, that extends beyond the limits of your feigned feminism Nice Guy Syndrome.
7. If you’re still not getting the dopamine hits you desperately need, tag other users in your writing. Make sure these are only people who always agree with you. This guarantees instant applause. And you now have reinforcements, should anyone sufficiently intellectual show up to the comments section to do anything but praise your genius and bravery. The blind lead the blind, and the deaf applaud the loudest.
8. If you ever begin to lose an argument, bring out the heavy artillery: AD HOMINEMS. If they’re a woman, they’re an angry lesbian/bitch/Karen/cat lady. If they’re a man, they’re gay, they have a small dick, Erectile Dysfunction and they live in their mom’s basement. If you’re still not winning, break out the “Who hurt you?” so you can make assumptions about past traumas and their mental health.
9. Make outrageous claims and never provide proof of their veracity. If any skeptics try to call you out in the comments, reply with “dO yOuR oWn ReSeARch” or ask them to provide a source for their counterclaim. If your views are low, blame it on being shadowbanned in the headline, since nobody can technically ever disprove you. Forget writing for the ages; write for the algorithm.

I know attention spans are becoming shorter than my patience. Just remember to follow the three Cs: controversy, clickbait, and, uh, more controversy. It’s foolproof, which means some of you are guaranteed to screw it up.

If I’ve missed any worthy mentions, please feel free to suggest additions in the comments. I would’ve added listicles to the list, but I feel like I’ve already hammered on the list-makers enough. They wouldn’t read it anyway, they’re probably too busy making a list of mean, offensive people that begins with my name at the top.

While these are all examples of trite tropes I’ve come across on this platform, they’re also examples of mental and moral malware. Mind viruses insidiously implanted since youth to hijack the processing power of the victim.

They are nothing more than malicious programming, conditioning people to behave in a specific manner or perform a desired task. Algorithms have trained us well to feed them with content that drives engagement without adding value.

Some people don’t have the system requirements necessary to install happiness or process success. Confronting them with this won’t help, it will only cause a hard reboot in safe mode. But we can confront our own hypocrisy, by recognizing when we’re guilty of employing the tactics listed above.

Don’t add to the repackaging of recycled rage, bring something new to the table.