9 Reasons To Wear A Mask So Everyone Can Just Shut The F*ck Up Already!
Disgruntled Author’s Note: I know, I know — how is this still a debate? You’d think this piece would be irrelevant by now (evergreen much?), but thanks to a select group of fucking fuckfaces out there, we are still going at it.
1) My children are the reason why I get out of bed every day. Not because they’re my reason for living, but because I don’t want to be dragged out of my house by Child Protective Services. These tiny beasts demand every Cheez-it, Pringle and apple slice I put in my mouth. However, mommy gets her own private snack time whenever she shoves a handful of cereal into her mask which allows her to secretly eat Cheerios at her leisure, much like a racehorse eating grain out of a canvas feeding bag. Dignified!
2) I can show finally solidarity and just be ‘one of the guys’ during No-Shave November without getting ridiculed. #freetheladymustache #feminism
3) Doctor/nurse cosplay, anyone!??
4) No poker face? No problem! The days of my fellow poker players seeing me mouth the words “yessssss, come to mama” are gone. This tactic also works while spending what feels like the length of four back-to-back Quentin Tarantino movies at your in-laws’ house. What I would give to royal flush that guy, am I right?
5) I may or may not have desperately used my mask when I didn’t have toilet paper on a hike in the woods once…
6) You know that face you make when you’re about to orgasm? Your eyes roll back into your head and your mouth kind of contorts like that of a jack-o-lantern that’s been sitting outside weeks after all the leftover Halloween candy has been eaten? Well, that’s the same face I make during a deep tissue massage. I might be completely naked during a full-body rub but these days, but my facial expressions are completely covered. That’s one small step for fabric, one giant leap for my self-respect.
7) If I see you out and about in public and you’re not wearing a mask, I’m going to assume that it’s because you enjoy the smell of farts and, for that, I absolutely will fart in your general direction.
8) Friends, listen up and listen well. We have been given carte blanche to go around anonymously in society for nearly A YEAR. Why would you want to fuck that up? This is an invisibility cloak for Muggles. This is once-in-a-lifetime! So wear a mask and go rob a toy store! Go do naughty things to that jaunty lil mannequin man in the Banana Republic store window display! And do it with a dang smile on your face. You know what, no need to smile — we can’t see it anyway.
Lastly…
9) WE CAN ALL BE VENTRILOQUISTS!!!!!