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9 Out Of 9 Judges Agree: Black

The 2024 Supreme Court Justice Fashion Show

This lineup simply screams Missionary to me. (By Fred Schilling on Wikipedia Commons)

“One is never over-dressed or under-dressed with a Little Black Dress.” — Karl Lagerfeld

It’s been a hectic 234 years for the Supreme Court of the United States. It ain’t easy being the final arbiters of American law, the fulfillers of the promise of equal justice under the law, and of course the sexiest nine Americans anybody ever saw.

Amidst all the significance and solemnity, it’s easy to forget that Justices are people too. Every so often they need to let their hair down, put their feet up on the witness stand, and let a breeze billow beneath those weighty black robes.

Somewhere between striking down Roe v. Wade and determining whether Donald Trump can be legally barred from the ballot in Colorado, the guardians of the Constitution put on a fashion show. I happened to be in court on an unrelated matter — THOSE PENISES WERE ALREADY DRAWN ON THE PARK BENCH WHEN I GOT THERE— and so I snuck myself into the front row to preview the hot new trends for pre-pre-Spring court appearances.

The Review

Overall I found the collection to be a bold traditional statement mixed with 90s (that would be 1790s) minimalism that screamed ‘Large and in charge!’ Although there were misfires — especially Justice Oswald Cobblepot’s hideous cravat –the show was a triumphant celebration of grandiloquence.

John Roberts’s choice of Ebony Raven robes can best be described as traditional, appropriate, and somber. Although his smile is eerily reminiscent of every dickhead I ever met in high school, the overall impression of smug satisfaction can hardly be blamed on the man’s impeccable fashion choices.

“Take the picture! I can’t hold this fart in much longer.” (By Steve Petteway in Wikipedia Commons)

Hot on Roberts’ heels came Justice Sonya Sotomayor, whose daring decision to go with Coal for her robe can be best described as traditional, appropriate, and somber. When we asked if her hair matched the drapes, Sonya shot back with her razor wit: “I’m sorry who are you and how did you get into these chambers?”

Of course, the big surprise of the evening was Clarence Thomas’ Midnight Ink robes, which can be best described as traditional, appropriate, and somber. The event was his first runway since the 1970s, when he helped support himself through law school by being an exotic dancer.

Clarence Thomas’s college days. Glad he got his fingers fixed. (Drawn with Craiyon)

Can we talk about cravats for a second? Large black robes leave little room for self expression, but in the case of Justice Oswald Cobblepot, I have to think that’s a good thing. Apparently the Justice had been up all night writing the dissenting opinion for Emperor v. Halibut, and sloppily threw together a cravat for the show last minute.

Your disregard for fashion shows, Mr. Cobblepot.

Justice Cobblepot really cobbled this one together. (Warner Bros.)

The most serious faux pas of the evening belonged to Justice Brett Kavanaugh, whose love of the X-Men moved him to paint his robes yellow in an homage to Wolverine. “It appears I misunderstood the assignment,” Justice Kavanaugh was heard saying at the Applebee’s afterparty.

“I should’ve gone with white robes,” Justice Kavanaugh later admitted. “I have so many in my closet.” (Drawn with Craiyon)

Justices Statler and Waldorf made a brief appearance at the event, although both remained in the upper balcony section, where they offered their loud, cantankerous, unrequested opinions.

“It’s too bad they struck down Roe v. Wade.”

“Why’s that?”

“Yeah, then we could have aborted this travesty of a fashion show!”

It’s good to see Justice Waldorf back in action after his seventeenth stroke. (Image via Muppet Wiki)

Who do you think wore it best? Comment below, and my lackluster response will surely indicate the irrelevance of your opinion.

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Brand art by David Todd McCarty
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