9 Mindsets As a Nigerian Woman

Some of which I’m trying to unlearn.

As I’ve grown up and am traveling the world, I’ve noticed some differences between my upbringing and that of people from other cultures. This seems interesting to talk about.

As a Nigerian woman:

1. I subconsciously think every woman (not every man) should know how to cook.

In my country, eating out was not something we regularly did; it’s something we did as a celebration. Although this is quickly becoming a thing in Nigeria, our mothers still frown.

For the men, they scold them to get a wife that’ll feed them, and for the women, it was/is a sign that you’re not ready to keep a home 😄. I know, I know! Not in this age of feminism, right? But growing up, we were trained that it’s the woman who takes care of the home, and if she didn’t know how to cook, she was an incompetent wife.

It’s still a little weird for me to see people, especially from western cultures, say they do not know how to cook or eat in restaurants every single day.

2. I thought it was weird that people didn’t use pepper in cooking.

It was a shocker for me to realize that many cultures do not add pepper to their meals. In my country, pepper is one of the most important ingredients present in every meal. We add pepper to every food; noodles, fried egg, french fries, everything.

I’ve gotten to the stage where I can eat meals without pepper, but this was a real struggle for me initially.

3. My dishwasher has little use in my apartment.

My Nigerian housemates and I probably use our dishwasher once in six months; we forget the equipment exists.

Growing up, effective washing of plates was considered a must-have skill as a woman. If the dishes were oily after washing, you would be chastised. Accepted, I grew up in the age of fewer machines like dishwashers. Still, I’m certain that if it had existed, many Nigerian parents would make their girls wash plates manually because machinery help is seen as a sign of laziness.

This attitude also goes for other machines like vacuum cleaners and washing machines. I certainly can do without both, though I would hate my life. I used bamboo broomsticks and washed clothes with my hand while growing up.

4. I cannot comfortably walk the streets at night.

Sad truth but yeah, no matter how safe I hear the city is, I cannot comfortably walk the streets at night without looking back intermittently.

I live in Berlin, and it’s relatively safe, but every time I have to come home late alone, I hasten my steps.

5. It’s weird referring to older people by their first names.

In my country, it’s disrespectful to call anyone older than you by their first name, even in the workplace; it’s a sign of lack of home training.

I always fight the urge to call my Manager and older colleagues “Sir” or even to add “Mr” in front of their names while calling them.

6. As long as the man loves me, all good.

I was taught that as long as a man loves me, no matter how bare minimum the love feels, I’m lucky. I also don’t need to love him, too; in the long run, I would learn to.

This mindset ruined a lot of relationships I had. Once I noticed or thought that some guy liked me, no matter the incompatibility and red flags, that was enough reason for me to agree to a relationship with them.

I’m unlearning this, though not totally unlearned yet.

7. Sex is a responsibility, not something to be enjoyed.

As a Nigerian woman, I was taught that sex was taboo until marriage. And even in marriage, it wasn’t something I should enjoy; it is a chore for a wife — part of her wifely duties.

I was taught never to refuse my husband sex, whether I’m in the mood to have sex or not. I’m supposed to always yield to my husband anytime he calls, no matter the circumstances.

Also, virginity was considered a “gift” a woman gave her husband on the first marriage night. A disvirgined woman was considered used goods.

Even today, a woman who openly expresses her sexuality is frowned upon.

I can’t begin to describe all the ways this upbringing has affected me. I still cannot comfortably wear a bikini, or even shorts, in a public place. The word sex or any word related to the topic is too heavy for my lips. Sex isn’t a topic I can discuss freely with my parents, everything I’ve learned I’ve learned on my own. And so many other things.

8. I was taught the man is supposed to provide, the woman is supposed to take care.

Roles were, and still are, a big deal where I come from. It worked at the beginning till genders began to feel stifled in their roles because of the expectations.

The expectations of provision heavily weighed down men, expecting them to provide even when they were going through a financial crisis, and their wives were buoyant. There’s this saying (which I hate): “A man’s money is our money, but a woman’s money is hers.” Women providing financially for their families were seen as a favor and often a disgrace to the man if word got out.

Women who built careers were seen as alpha women and unattractive to men. People decided that a woman with money could never be submissive enough for her husband and wouldn’t have the time to care for their family. “Career woman” was a shameful word.

When I started my career as an Engineer, some people felt that was too much for me; too manly of me. I remember my parents had a sit-down chat with me, asking me to pick between career and marriage as both didn’t seem like they’d work together. They suggested I take a more subtle career path if I want to get married in the future or continue with my chosen path and forget about marriage. I don’t blame them for thinking that way, though; it was what the Nigerian world taught and thought.

The construct has become quite stupid and one-sided in different areas. A man taking care of his kids is thanked and considered a hero. A woman contributing to the family financially is praised, and her husband is viewed as an infidel.

Now we have gender entitlements (of course). Many women are entitled to men’s money, and men are entitled to women’s care.

9. I mix my dishwasher gel with water when it’s about to finish.

Lastly, and on a lighter note, I still dilute my dishwasher gels with water no matter how many dishwasher gels I have. Call it a two for one gel 😄.