ONE-SIDED POWER MOVES

9 Infallible Tips to Drive a Crush Away

When awkward is your middle name

Life is not a movie. Not everyone wants their feelings reciprocated in a rain-soaked twist, plotting to drive into the sunset during rolling credits.

Some of us like to crush the old-fashioned way. Our thoughts don’t make themselves known until they’re dead, buried, and borderline prehistoric.

And from the next day on, we mine them for comedic mileage.

In an ideal world, our crushes wouldn’t know us. But in reality, apart from celebrities, chances are that we have some level of interaction with them.

When I am in the vicinity of another person, bile rises in my stomach, my itchy throat closes down and my spidey sense asks me to sprint away from the situation. Because let’s face it, things can only go downhill from there.

Whereas in my head, they’ll always be perfect.

Experts ask us to lean in, make connections, and disclose our feelings. I say one can never be too paranoid. Every safe mode and precaution is critical.

Let’s train together to nip the allegedly meaningful moments in the bud.

Table Contact.

Severing the possibility of any incidental, open-to-interpretation, meeting of the eyes across a crowded room, condition yourself to look downwards.

Don’t read a book or your phone. You’ll be considered aloof and interesting.

Focus on flat surfaces like tables. Study its surface and structure for hours.

Hair Less.

Playing with your hair is a sign of interest. Why? I don’t make the rules.

I used to count my split ends because my brain likes to keep my fingers busy. Now I go out with a 3-day-old unwashed head and tap my foot instead.

Water Monitor.

At a bar, refusing a drink is not enough. You’re still in neutral territory.

Set up timers at 15-minute intervals and keep reminding everyone to be responsible and have their water. Refill glasses to reduce the fun quotient.

You can reuse this tip anywhere. I’d invest in a Hydro Flask.

Memory Loss.

People like it when you remember details about them, and often read too much into it, when you do. It’s a vicious cycle, reinforced by social norms.

Borrow a page from corporate communication and forget everything.

Start every sentence with “just to reiterate” and “remind me again…”

No Editing.

I would ask you to stop speaking altogether, but we know that sometimes that simply isn’t the option. You’re cornered into answering questions.

Start rambling, unload your anxieties, and don’t edit your sentences.

When you reach 500 words, look up. You’ll find yourself all alone.

Mood Killers.

On an off day or no-moon night, you might find yourself smack in the middle of endless dialogue. I keep a handy list to manage such disasters.

• I don’t use any mainstream social media or messaging apps.
• I spent 48/52 weekends of 2023 on my couch.
• I’m not close to my family.

Social Distancing.

Accidentally touching someone is problematic in so many ways. And Rom-Coms have ruined clumsiness by relentlessly making it look adorable.

Remember to use the best gift bestowed upon us by the Pandemic.

While you’re at it, face shields, cloth masks, and gloves aren’t overkill.

Routine Repetition.

Texting? Type the same phrases. Day in your life? Live by a rigid routine.

Coffee order? Americano, tall, no milk, no sugar.

Every day is the same, and if things don’t go my way, even by a nanometer, I’m visibly affected by it. Predictability is an evergreen evasive maneuver.

Deadpan Effect.

Master the indifferent face. Forget laughing, even smiling in public is taking things a stretch too far. It can tether people in inexplicable ways.

I am a huge fan of subtlety, so I rarely LOL. Even less IRL.

And when I crack a joke, I deadpan. No one gets it. Problem solved.

Author’s Note:

Last weekend, inside a guilty pleasure rabbit hole, I came across a gem of a listicle. The title alluringly read, “15 Signs She’s Micro Flirting With You.”

But as these things go, for the life of me, I can’t find it right now.

My brain immediately buzzed. What about representation for introverts? What if the crush is platonic? What if we don’t want anything to happen?

Thus, I took it upon myself to create tips that no one asked for. What's another delusional influencer? And as they say, write what you know.

Let me know in the comments if you want pointers for online crushes.

PS. I know I repeat the ‘Pandemic bit’ often, but I can’t say it enough.

PPS. In the interest of disclosure, one person did find my talking without editing endearing. He’s a keeper. And by that I mean, he doesn’t know the door code.