9 Hurtful Signs You Have An Emotionally Abusive Partner (Backed by Science)

And what you can do to salvage your peace of mind.

A few years ago, I got into a heated argument with my sister that created a void between us. Because of that conversation, we went a whole three months without talking. My sister that I used to talk to every single day prior to that.

Our argument stemmed from an accusation I felt she had no right to make.

I was in love and the last thing I wanted to hear from someone whose opinion I valued so much was that I was being emotionally abused.

She said all the signs were there in our relationship. She said I had gradually grown into a different person, for the worse. She claimed she was only telling me these hurtful things because she loved me and knew that I deserved better.

Her advice fell on deaf ears. I was in love. It was easier for me to cut her off than to break up with my boyfriend.

A few painful months later after my partner successfully dismantling the rest of my support system, I knew I was wrong. And it was at that point that I had to decide whether to continue on that downward spiral or end the relationship and find my way back to me.

I chose myself.

Being in an emotionally abusive relationship hurts. The signs I am about to share below are backed up by science and supported by findings from these papers published in the US National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health.

Emotional abuse is usually also referred to as psychological abuse.

Physical abuse can leave scars on the body but emotional abuse is that kind of abuse that leaves more scars, albeit invisible, than physical abuse does.

The worst part about it from my experience is that when you are the victim, you are too close to see the whole picture and realize that you are being emotionally abused. Many times, we write off emotional abuse as our partners having “a bad day”.

When we get into relationships, we believe our partners will love and care for us unconditionally. They will provide us stability, be our nurturers, carers, and be there to help us grow and become a better person. They will show us how to be confident and strong.

A relationship dynamic can be complex and it can have a lasting impact on you and your future. Emotional abuse is not just manipulation and belittling the other, it is more than that. Emotional abuse can diminish your confidence, affect your self-worth, and make you feel ‘less-than’ — even when you’re not.

However, it is not a healthy relationship where your partner constantly undermines you and makes you feel unworthy. It is unhealthy when you always feel like you have to earn your partner’s love.

Here are 9 painful signs you need to know to understand if you have an emotionally abusive partner

And if you can relate on a deeply personal level with most or all of these, I am so sorry for all the distress you have endured as a result of being in that relationship.

1. They Often Belittle You

Negative remarks, name-calling, and verbal reprimands are common when it comes to emotional abuse. Partners, if they call you hurtful names in the guise of “tough love” can be a sign of emotional abuse according to this research paper.

When a partner belittles your efforts, your achievements, your personality, or your appearance, they are being abusive.

A partner constantly undermining and belittling you is wrong. It can permanently damage your self-confidence and can leave you feeling unworthy and undeserving of love from the rest of the world around you.

“Never let anyone belittle you. Their unkind words are a reflection of their insecurities and what they wish for you to be. Trust in yourself and in who you want to be.” — Toni Payne

2. They Excessively Criticize You Negatively

According to this study, excessive criticism has been associated with negative individual outcomes and plays a role in the development and recurrence of psychopathologies, such as depression and schizophrenia.

All healthy relationships involve a degree of constructive criticism which is okay but in an emotionally abusive relationship, criticism can become a tool and can destroy a person’s self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth.

If your partner is overly critical of you and your behaviour all the time, it might be a sign that you are being emotionally abused. Positive criticism would not overshadow your positive achievements.

Personally, I reached a point where I only believed a compliment if it had come from my partner. If everyone around me thought I looked pretty, but he had not said anything about it, I would feel ugly.

Emotional abuse can lead you to develop negative self-talk and a poor perception of your self-image.

“Walk away from those with a negative spirit who criticize, put you down, belittle you, or try to make you feel small. Just be thankful you are not like them. Be thankful you feel hold and don’t have to hurt others in order to feel better about yourself.” — Lizzie Natesky

3. They Invalidate Your Emotions

Partners try their best to help us when we are in need, but when a partner refuses to acknowledge your emotions or refuses to validate them as important, then it is another sign that they are emotionally abusive.

My ex-partner always kept telling me “you are way too sensitive”. It was difficult to have a constructive disagreement. He always made it seem like everything was my fault, and in cases where it clearly wasn’t, he would invalidate my emotions saying I am either overreacting or too sensitive.

This behaviour in a relationship can lead the victim developing commitment issues in the future and it can diminish their self-worth along with their emotional skills and intelligence.

“Don’t let anyone invalidate or minimize how you feel. If you feel something, you feel it and it’s real to you. Nothing anyone says has the power to invalidate that ever. No one else lives in your body. No one else sees life through your eyes. No one else has lived through your experiences. And so, no one else has the right to dictate or judge how you feel. Your feelings are important and you deserve to be heard. They are inherently valid and they matter. Don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise.” — Daniell Koepke

4. They Guilt Trip You In Doing Things

An emotionally abusive partner will guilt trip and manipulate their partner into doing things. This tactic may appear non-threatening and can make you feel guilty like not doing what they said is somehow your fault.

If your partner is not communicating with you clearly and is using your words against you, then it is a sign that they are emotionally abusing you.

Emotional manipulation, in so many ways, is wrong and can impact how your future relationships — personally and intimately — work.

“Don’t let anyone guilt-trip you for having not waited for them to change their problematic behaviour and get their shit together. You do not owe anyone years of your life in exhange for the decline of your mental and emotional health.” — Unknown Author

5. They Give You The ‘Silent Treatment’

Another sign to look out for is when your partner gives you the silent treatment. If your partner is unsatisfied with something you did or is upset with you for some reason, they will resort to not talking to you.

According to Wikipedia, the silent treatment is the refusal to communicate verbally and electronically with someone who is willing to communicate. It may range from just sulking to malevolent abusive controlling behaviour.

It may be a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval, and contempt are exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence.

Clinical psychologist Harriet Braiker identifies it as a form of manipulative punishment. It may be used as a form of social rejection, according to the social psychologist Kipling Williams it is the most common form of ostracism.

Giving silent treatment is another way of emotional manipulation, guilt, and abuse. Your partner might make it so that you’re compelled to make the first move to fix things — even if you did nothing wrong.

This kind of behavior can affect the victim and their ability to find and maintain a healthy personal relationship in the future.

“Giving someone the silent treatment speaks volumes about your character.” — Ralph Downey III

6. They Are Emotionally Unavailable

Another sign of emotional abuse is when your partner is physically present but emotionally absent.

You live under the same roof but your partner is not there for you? This can negatively affect your communication skills and can make you feel disconnected and aloof.

Being emotionally available as well as physically present is important in any relationship and not doing that can affect the victim’s self-confidence and self-worth negatively.

“Emotionally unavailable partners will always be incapable of having a genuine emotional connection with anyone, themselves being first on that list.” — Natasha Adamo

7. They Do Not Respect Your Boundaries

My ex-partner hacked my devices and was able to see all my interactions online in real-time. He would also pick a fight at random, and use that as an excuse for needing to look at who I text on my phone and what we talk about.

That was emotionally abusive and psychologically draining for me.

Keeping and maintaining healthy boundaries is essential for every relationship whether it be a spousal/intimate relationship, a parent-child relationship, or a professional relationship.

In a spousal or intimate relationship, maintaining boundaries means letting your partner explore the world and giving them enough space to learn and grow into their environment without the fear of judgment.

In an emotionally abusive relationship, the person refuses to give their partner enough privacy and is overly involved in their personal life. It could manifest as asking inappropriate questions about your personal life, finances, or work. And controlling who you are allowed to talk to.

“”If someone throws a fit because you set boundaries, it’s just more evidence that boundaries are needed.” — Tiffany Toombs

8. They Blame You For Their Problems

Another sign of emotional abuse from a partner can be them refusing to take responsibility for their behavior and instead, blaming you for their stress and problems.

This should not be ignored. It is a kind of emotional manipulation and abuse that can lead you to develop low confidence and other mental health problems or personality disorders.

“A self-absorbed person can only see the faults of others but they are often color blind to their own.” Dr. Shweta

9. They Do Not Love You

I had developed a warped sense of what love is. I reached a point where I felt a certain excitement was missing in our relationship if we went a couple of days without a disagreement.

Love is not abuse.

Have you heard of the Stockholm Syndrome?

Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response. It occurs when hostages or abuse victims bond with their captors or abusers. This psychological connection develops over the course of the days, weeks, months, or even years of captivity or abuse.

I believe when you have been with an emotionally abusive partner long enough, you develop a persona that learns to confuse and justify their actions of abuse as their expressions of love.

Love is not abuse. They do not love you.

Abuse of any kind is not okay and no one should be subjected to it from a partner. Your partner shouldn’t make you feel like you have to earn that love and care.

Love is not abuse. — DayOneNY

The floor is all yours now for your thoughts…

If you identify with most, or all of the above signs, I empathize with you. And I hope you will eventually find your way back to your authentic self.

No one has the authority to undermine and demean you. You are strong enough on your own. If you are a victim of emotional abuse, I’d suggest that you contact a licensed therapist to help you break the cycle.

For me, it meant ending the relationship. It was one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever experienced, and I felt lost for years afterwards. But when I finally refound myself, I am at peace and ready for new love. You will be, too.

I wish you loads of love and happiness in your relationships.

You might be dating a closet narcissist. Here are 3 glaring signs that can help you determine that:

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