9 Harsh Lessons About Friends You Need To Know In Your 20s
- If You Are On A Journey Of Self-Improvement, Not Everyone Is Going To Come Along For The Ride.
As you’re going through changes, so will your friend group. In your 20's you’re building the foundations of your character, principles, and way of life.
It’s okay if some people ditch you or your ditch them. The most important thing is that they should not hinder, but complement your development journey.
2. Envy
Probably the most important one, and the hardest to detect. As mentioned before, if your life trajectory is upwards and you are improving. One of two things will happen with your friends.
Either they will be happy for you or their envy will consume them and they will wish for your downfall.
Don't be naive to think that the people you love aren't envious. My naivety cost me a lot.
“Once success happens your way, however, the people to fear the most are those in your own circle, the friends and acquaintances you have left behind. Feelings of inferiority gnaw at them; the thought of your success only heightens their feelings of stagnation. Envy, which the philosopher Kierkegaard calls “unhappy admiration,” takes hold. You may not see it but you will feel it someday” — Robert Greene
3. Make sure your friends are at your level
If most friends aren't at your level, they will develop feelings of envy.
To ensure that isn't the case, you have to have friends that are at your level. Opposites don't attract when it comes to temperament.
Humans are social animals, and if you are, for example, going to the gym, reading, and working on your career then you want your friends to be doing the same thing. You notice progress in yourself and you want to bring your friends up with you.
But they are lazy, drink too much, pursue instant gratification and share nothing in common with you. Drop those friends before feelings of envy & resentment develop.
Better to be lifted up than anchored down.
4. Length of friendship doesn't mean anything
“Yeah, I know he’s a piece of shit sometimes, but he and I go way back”
When you’re younger, you have a chance to develop the strongest friendships. Life hasn't tested most of us by that time, so we are more open and our true authentic selves. The walls haven't gone up yet, and as a result of that, we develop the strongest friendships in school and college.
The problem is people change, and you change too, as you should. The problem happens when we have changed, and they haven't changed at all. or worse still their change isn't positive. We hold on to people who aren't good for us because we fear letting go of what is safe and familiar.
We get anchored down by those people.
The youthful charm of your friend at 19 who was the funniest when drunk is no longer charming when at 27. All he does is drink and ask you for money.
5. Make sure effort is flowing both ways
Are you the one always calling?
Are you the one always checking up on them?
When you hang out, do you always take into account their preferences but they never take into account yours?
Are you always doing all the planning?
Are you always going out of your way, and they never seem to do so?
If you answered yes to even one of those questions, leave, now! Life is a balanced game of give & take. If they are doing all the taking and you are doing all the giving then it isn't fair.
Worse still, you will slowly develop feelings of resentment as a result of that. You are only human. When you confront them about it, they will make it seem as if they didn't want all your efforts, or that you are the harsh/evil person for being upset about it.
6. Do not work with friends
Do not mix friends with business. In my own experience that is the worse idea. You think your friends will make the best business partners, logically speaking, they know you and you know them. Why not trust them?
Simple, because they are your friends. That is a weakness, not a strength. For when they falter, they cannot be reprimanded.
Let’s refer to the wisdom of Robert Greene once more.
“When you decide to hire a friend, you gradually discover the qualities he or she has kept hidden. Strangely enough, it is your act of kindness that unbalances everything. People want to feel they deserve their good fortune. The receipt of a favor can become oppressive: It means you have been chosen because you are a friend, not necessarily because you are deserving.
All working situations require a kind of distance between people. You are trying to work, not make friends; friendliness (real or false) only obscures that fact. Keep friends for friendship, but work with the skilled and competent”
— Robert Greene
Work with friends at your own peril. There are rarely any exceptions. When you work with people who aren't friends, you are cautious, careful, and selective. Friends bypass our radars.
7. Never forgo your core principles for friends. Even better if your friend's Core principles align with yours
Every person has a red line. If the presence of someone makes you cross that line or they are crossing that line, then cut them off.
Never under any circumstance sacrifice your core principles for acceptance. Your mind may play tricks on you by saying;
“Everyone is doing that, I should do it”
“I don't want to be a party pooper, I’ll do it”
“It's okay, sometimes we have to sacrifice for friends”
Friends who share core principles get a long way better.
8. Never hold/carry hatred towards a former friend
It is best to look at life in chapters. There are former friends that I have lost contact with for one reason or another.
Look back fondly at those times shared with former friends. Not all good things last forever. When you think back to a previous chapter in your life, remember the good times with those former friends and smile.
Just because they aren't with you now, doesn't mean you get to erase the memories. That will probably be your first inclination, especially if you severed ties in an unpleasant way.
But I recommend against that. Forgive them if they have wronged you, maybe not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace.
9. It is normal to be lonely
I know loneliness isn't normalized. Shows like ‘friends’ & ‘how I met your mother’ often amplify the need to have this inseparable tight-knit group of friends that are there no matter what.
Everywhere you go, you see happy friendships.
It is okay if you haven't found your friends yet, but it is best to operate as if they will never exist.
There is great power in being emotionally independent. Befriend books & podcasts. Meditate & pray. Character is built in solitude. Identify who you are without the influence of other people. Disregard the approval of others but thyself.