9 Funny Ways My Expletive Dog Has Aged Me

There’s a reason for his nickname

Despite being German, my dog has a thick American accent.

With all his years living in Scotland and then Ireland, you'd think he would have lost the twang, but no.

What does your dog’s voice sound like?

Zac crashed into my world with mayhem and carnage. The poor, rejected soul was held up in a rescue centre in Cumbria, England. He was saved from an early eternal sleep in Ireland — his country of origin — and shipped to England for rehoming.

But at just over a year old, he’d already had several homes and been returned each time. But I understand why people kept returning him; he’s the Tasmanian Devil in disguise.

His little emaciated frame practically bounced off the walls when we first met.

With Jasper’s approval, he became one of the pack.

Together Jasper and Zac turned heads and were a striking sight.

She was as gooey and sweet as caramel, and he was as rogue as a felon. Is it harsh that they soon earned the duo nicknames of Princess and Dickhead?

Jasper passed away far too early. But as Zac edges closer to his 12th birthday, I take each day at a time and feel privileged to see him age.

My douchebag dog has evolved into a snuggle monster.

These days, he’s even wonkier than the depressed dog I first brought home. His legs give way on him, and we’ve had a few faceplants and floor splats. But once he is up and stretched out, he still trots along merrily on his short walks.

Gone are the days when we won canicross races together. And our shared trail adventures are also sadly now relegated to history.

And what a history Zac Attack has had.

Many of his antics aged me prematurely. But his mere existence in my life has served as a defibrillator to my long-suffering heart more times than I can remember.

Here are 9 stand-out moments with my dickhead dog.

1. He pissed on me

Yes, you read that right. He ran right up to me, cocked his leg as if I was a tree trunk, and pissed all over and in my welly boots.

I’d only had him a few weeks at this point. Perhaps he was marking his territory. Who knows, but it’s certainly an interesting dog behaviour I’d never heard of.

Does anyone know what this means?

2. He got stuck up a tree

I am enjoying my walk with my two dogs, and I hear a yelping. As any dog guardian will know, we can distinguish the meaning of each noise emitted by our furry family member. This yelp translates to

“I’m so damn excited; I’ve got something, and I need to tell the world about it; oh, and also, I may be in trouble. In fact, screw that; I am in trouble. HELP!”

Jasper and I run toward the noise.

We find Zac up a tree!

He’s balancing on a branch, which is overhanging a 20-foot drop. He is face to face with an understandably disgruntled, spitting ginger cat. It’s like a scene from Jungle Book.

Jasper bounces and shrieks with excitement, cheerleading her brother.

I’ve no time to figure out how he got up there, as I know he is not getting down unscathed. I run a mile to the nearest house. I beg to use their phone and wibble some incoherent nonsense about my dog being stuck up a tree.

I’m not even sure who I would call; perhaps the fire service?

“What, you mean that dog?” says the house owner, looking bemused, pointing at a crazed dog lolloping toward us.

He’s in one piece, with his record-breaking long tongue hanging out sideways from his smiling face.

How he got down from that tree safely, I’ll never know.

3. He battled with a badger and almost lost an eye

What a perfect evening to enjoy a dusk run with a friend and our K9 running companions. The sun is setting; all is peaceful.

Until BAM.

A raucous squealing shocks our conversation to a stop.

Up ahead, Zac is rolling around in a shallow river… with… a nun. But she’s tiny, and we aren’t near a convent.

On closer inspection, Zac and a badger are wrestling, and Jasper stands at Zac’s corner shadowboxing—the little minx.

I wade in, grab Scrappy-Doo by the collar, and try to drag this ferocious, snarling beast onto dry land. Luckily, the badger looks unscathed, and he runs off to tell the tale to his family. Meanwhile, blood is dripping from Zac’s mouth and eye.

A few stitches later, the vet tells Zac he’s lucky he didn’t lose an eye! He shrugs and asks when the rematch is.

4. He took a number two in the neighbour's garden

One house we lived in had a pointlessly tiny wall between our garden and the neighbours.

Zac delighted in practising his hurdling technique. I’m not sure many neighbours appreciate a big dog launching into their garden.

I built a flimsy wall extension with trellis fencing and managed to educate him on garden etiquette, or so I thought.

Zac saw his moment. As I opened the starting traps, he bolted out the door in a nanosecond, ran up to the weakest part of the wall and lept over it in one nifty high jump.

In celebration of his athleticism, he squatted and left a gift for the neighbours.

Except, of course, I couldn’t leave it. I had to clamber over the sodding wall somewhat less agilely than Zac and take back his oh-so-generous gift!

What a dickhead dog.

5. He almost drowned

My friend and I ventured to a favourite running trail. Two loops totalling 20 miles were on the cards. Jasper and Zac were in their element, free-running along the forest track with us.

But then Dickhead disappeared. And that blood-curdling yelp sliced through the air.

We dropped down to the water's edge to see Zac swimming off into the horizon in pursuit of two swans.

He isn’t a strong swimmer and normally panics if his paws don’t touch the ground (he may be a dickhead, but he’s also a wuss). I swear the swans were conspiring between them and luring him out further.

Obviously, Mr Dickhead switched off his ears, so there was no calling him back.

I started to remove my trainers to go in after him, and my friend made me see sense.

After a while, I couldn’t even see his head above the water. But I could hear him, so I felt reassured. Then, the yelping stopped. All went dead, and I thought he was too.

I was in a flurry of nausea and tears. Only Zac could drown in the pursuit of scheming swans. Would I recover his body? My mind was mangled.

Half an hour and a bollocking from some bird watchers later, my drenched and bedraggled dog returned.

He slept well that night; I was still fried by cortisol.

WARNING GRUESOME IMAGE COMING UP OF ZAC HOLDING THE HEAD OF A DEER

6. He got stuck under a shed

What dog gets stuck under a shed? By now you know the answer to that one.

I received an SOS call from my then-partner. “Zac’s stuck under the shed.” Yeah, yeah, make yourself useful and sort it out, fella. But 15 minutes later, I got another call.

I didn’t reach the scene until my sub-shed K9 had been in situ for over an hour. This shed backs onto a large green space where I would exercise my dogs. Clearly, my shit-for-brains dog thought it would be a great idea to follow the scent of rats and make himself the size of a terrier.

He had squeezed through the tiny hole to access the shed underneath and then dragged himself along the earth on his tummy.

Like a miner equipped with a head torch and a digging trowel, I started after him. I didn’t realise how claustrophobic I was until I struggled to breathe, only meters from my immobile but still living bundle of responsibility. I retreated and surrendered.

Plan B was to go in from the top. We started the chainsaw in the shed above his head. Well, that put a rocket up his ass, and he miraculously managed to claw his way out.

And the first thing Mr Mud Face tried to do? Go straight back under. Needless to say, I fixed the gap to avoid further sub-shedding adventures.

Why am I his human?

7. He went missing and came back carrying a decapitated head

Off we were running through the forest — there’s a bit of a theme here, right?

Zac decides to take himself on his own adventures. Nothing new; normally, it’s just for a few minutes, and he rejoins us. But this time, Jasper and I have to stop and make small talk while we wait for Zac.

Zac emerges from the trees carrying a head!

At first glance, I honestly thought it was a human head. Luckily — or not so luckily for the deer — it was the head of a deer. Poachers discard the head and legs, much to Zac’s delight.

I have to say, I couldn’t help but feel a little proud of the young man. He puffed himself up and flexed his muscles. He really thought he had won the lottery and been launched into utopia.

8. He spilt super glue all over my carpet

It’s quite handy having a K9 secretary to sort out all your mail. And when I say sort out, I mean shred. But when most of your mail is bills, that’s pretty convenient, right?

I didn’t always return home to a redecorated house. But let’s just say a sofa and a bed mattress got the Zac treatment at one point or another and needed to be replaced.

Then there was the time he swore blind that it wasn’t him who destroyed the laundry basket, despite the overwhelming evidence and Jasper’s witness statement.

Shredded mail and destroyed laundry baskets are no big deal in the whole scheme of things. But when I stupidly left a tin of superglue within reach of Mr Curiosity, I came home to a 20-inch diameter circle of foaming glue — on my brand-new carpet.

Top tip — never try to clean up superglue with your bare hands; it will look and feel like your skin is peeling off you for several weeks!

9. He stole a picnic

Picture the scene; we are walking along the beach, not another soul in sight. Zac is off in the distance, sniffing at something near the edge of the sand dune.

I call him in, and he comes galloping back with something in his mouth.

Zac presents a paper-wrapped sourdough loaf. Except, he doesn’t actually let me have it. After a game of tug of war, he wins a small mouthful, and I’m left holding the stolen goods.

I see a few swimmers traversing the coastline. It must be theirs. I figure the only option is to return the loaf to the bag. I have no means to leave a note with an explanation.

While fleeing the scene, we pass two swimmers who are walking toward the scene of the crime. I say, “Good morning,” they glance at me, frown, and completely ignore us. I decide against offering a confession, explanation and apology.

Let them forever wonder who or what took a bite out of their picnic!

Life is never dull when there’s a Zaccy Bear around. He may be old and decrepit now, but we still have fun. He’s my little warrior.

If a day reflects a life, we are in his late evening.

By sharing these moments of fun and silliness, I hope I can honour his life and find the strength and knowledge for when the time is right to tuck him into bed, all snug under his blankets, and stroke his head until he falls asleep for a final time.

🙏Thank you for reading my story Ali Hall & Zaccy Bear AKA Dickhead