9 Features of a Must-Read Listicle Thingy

Number 7 is a game changer, it will change your game

If you want to write a listicle that’s a must-read, you want to include these 9 features. But first, you if want to write an introduction for the 9 features of a must-read listicle, you have to use the title over and over again to make it a must-read article for SEO purposes. The reader will be bored as fuck, but who writes for the reader? I write listicles for Google, bitch.

Now here’s the list of 9 features of a must-read article:

1. Start with number one

Important! Always start a listicle with the number 1. Not only is this the first number traditionally used in a list it’s also an indicator there’s more to come (2, and 3 for example). This is a great copywriting trick to get the reader to expect more.

2. Follow up with number two

I guess what I’m saying is use numbers in a sequence. Google is a robot and robots love numbers. So do people, even though they’re not robots, but that’s not important right now. Write for search engine optimisation, not the whims of mere moral flesh and bone humans. Don’t worry about quality, worry about the algorithm. That’s your God now.

3. Use odd numbers

In the title that is (but also after even numbers). Using even numbers in the title seems more genuine. “10 features” seems forced, like you included too many features to make a round number. Or worse, knocked something important off your list. “9” works well because I once wrote an article with 9 in the title and it got a lot of views and that’s good enough for me.

4. Make one point lead into another

This is to keep the reader reading. That’s what readers do, they read (except when they stop reading and then they become something else). You don’t want the reader to turn into a watcher (YouTube) or a sleeper (sleeping) or even a reader of other things (traitor). You want to keep them glued on your shitty listicle because you get paid. So, end a point every now and again by writing “which brings me too…”

5. This point

See what I did there? This is copywriting gold. I should be asking for money. In fact I will. Buy me a coffee here.

6. Is this list still going?

Welcome to mid-list. Here’s where the reader will start getting bored, but console yourself that you’ve wasted enough of their time already and got something from them by way of a click. They can’t take that back, suckers. Remember, you don’t care about their opinion, just their click and scroll. Click and scroll baby, tattoo it on your forearm. I did. My mum was annoyed.

7. Here’s the shocker you promised

Point 7 is the point we called out in the banner headline, so it’s likely some readers will scroll to this point first. They’re sneaky like that. So best write something profound. Find any old quote (people love a quote) and use that. Here’s one:

“Lists see how I parse and manage the world.” – Adam Savage

Fuck knows what parse means. Or who Adam Savage is. But it sounds nice. Parse on that, bro.

8. Nearly there

Ok, here’s where you can really phone it in. Write any old thing. so it looks like actual content. Google can’t actually read. Haha, stupid robot brain.

9. Don’t end with the number you said in the title

Plot twist! Go one point extra than you said. This is utter gold, it makes it look like you’re giving more when of course you’re serving up the same crap as all the other points. This is where you’re meant to end, but instead…

10. Bonus point – This one

Some sneaky readers will scroll right to the bottom. When they see you’ve added in something extra, they might read the whole thing, labouring under the misapprehension it’s a real, thought out article. It’s not. It’s utter bobbins. The fools.

Final Thoughts

Don’t say “conclusion” as it sounds too much like a school essay. Instead use “final thoughts” as it suggests there were real thoughts in your listicle. There weren’t. It was all a long con. They clicked, they scrolled, and you got paid. Rinse and repeat, baby. Rinse and repeat.