WHO SAID PHILOSOPHY MAJORS CAN’T GET WORK?

9 Extra-Bleak Schopenhauer Quotes to Bring You Down to Earth

Cool your jets with the prince of pessimism

Are you feeling edgy, speedy, or uncomfortably jazzed to be alive? Have you been on a Bumble date that’s going a little too well — conversation’s flowing, they’re into you, but you’re not into them, and it’s time to cut it short?

In either case, the grim and merciless aphorisms of the German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer should do the trick.

Here’s a handy starter pack to take the fizz out of any situation.

“Life swings backward and forward like a pendulum between pain and boredom.”

When I was a teenager in the 1990s, it seemed as though the biggest problem in the world was being bored. We listened to out-of-tune guitar music, shot heroin, and found other ways to hurt ourselves just to feel, you know, something. That was a long time ago.

“Life is a constant process of dying.”

Much of life is about finding ways to make peace with death. Many activities that pass for entertainment are basically ways for us to microdose near-death experiences. It’s less scary when you accept that death, aside from being inevitable, is the ultimate form of physical comedy.

“A man can be himself only if he is alone.”

This is true, which is why most people hate solitary confinement. (If you enjoy it, that’s cool — I don’t kink-shame.) Your “real self” generally sucks and is a painful thing to be or be around, so most people hang out with their friends and families like the poseurs they are.

“What people commonly call fate is mostly their own stupidity.”

Some things are just bad luck. But the worst luck is the luck you create for yourself.

“Everyone takes the limits of his own vision for the limits of the world.”

We all have our own perspectives. I’m sure your ass, like mine, is a fascinating place. But it’s important to remember that we can be wrong. When we are, we should promptly admit it and then never be wrong again.

“It is difficult to find happiness within oneself, but it is impossible to find it anywhere else.”

Self-love is the hardest to learn, but it’s recession-proof. When you love yourself, you’re free to hate everyone else. If you do enough yoga, you can also have halfway-decent sex with yourself, or so I’m told.

“It is with trifles and when he is off guard that man best reveals his character.”

Your real self is the one that leaks through when you’re talking to a customer-service robot, so again, it makes sense that so much of life is geared toward locking our inner selves away in the darkest soundproof dungeons we can afford to rent by the month. If you ever reveal your true character, make sure they fix it in post.

“Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.”

Patriotism is like team sports with more violence. When you outsource your pride, you forfeit control over your inevitable humiliation.

“A sense of humor is the only divine quality of man.”

Aside from being an author and music lover, Schopenhauer was also a misunderstood roast comedian. And, indeed, when you accept that maniacal laughter is the only true form of sanity, you learn to laugh at everything, including things that aren’t funny. You realize what a bunch of ridiculous animals we are. And you can bring down your excitement levels enough to start breathing again.