9 Essential Traits Of Your Future Spouse

(Hopefully).

I believe many of the challenges in relationships today are rooted in focusing on the wrong things when choosing a partner.

The traits and qualities that make for a truly great spouse or life partner are often overlooked, unrecognized, or completely missed altogether.

Most are learned through experience, through heartbreak, through ‘failed’ or broken relationships that, in the moment, feel devastating. In reality, though, they can bring us some of life’s most valuable lessons about what truly matters.

Let’s explore 9 of the things that we should all strive to find in someone we choose to commit ourselves to:

1: They are steady.

Life can be a storm at times, and storms have a way of throwing things around that aren’t battened down to something secure.

Storms can be unpredictable, even when you know they’re coming. The last thing you need when you’re in the middle of a storm is to be tied to something that gets blown around in it. You’ll feel even less secure and less in control because of it.

If, though, you have a shelter, a sanctuary, a steady teammate during the storm, you can hold on and ride it out together.

Being steady means being even-tempered, understanding, and kind. It means accepting that storms are simply part of life and also staying as mentally prepared as possible for their arrival.

When choosing a partner for life, you’re choosing one person to be your “Thunder Buddy” during an unpredictable amount of storms. Don’t choose one who will leave you out in the rain.

2: They are patient.

I’ve always had a theory that patience is invisible.

What does that mean?

It means that if you need to let people know that you’re being patient — then you’re not.

Real genuine patience is about allowing a person, event, or occasion to fill the amount of space that it needs without getting huffy about it.

Patience is invisible because if you do it right, you stay cool, calm, and collected to the point where nobody even knows that you’re practicing it in the first place.

Real patience doesn’t pressure or force you.

It doesn’t rush you.

It doesn’t make you feel guilty.

It doesn’t judge you.

A life long commitment means the inevitable rise of health challenges, life changes, new family dynamics, career moves, home moves…you name it.

All of these things are made more stressful by someone who is impatient.

Patience, however, can give us the breathing room that we need to navigate life’s changes and challenges more effectively without any more external pressure or force.

3: They are thoughtful.

Thoughtfulness is what does little things for you without you having to ask.

Thoughtfulness is what works to make your life easier without you having to ask.

Thoughtfulness is what puts you first.

It’s what remembers small details, it’s what brings you flowers after a bad day, it’s what picks the kids up from school when you’re not feeling well.

Thoughtfulness is what considers you, your wants, your needs, and your desires when making life decisions.

Without a thoughtful partner, you’ll always feel pushed to the side while they forget and overlook small (or big) details.

4: They are reliable.

I’ve spoken before about how unsexy of a trait “reliability” is.

After all, reliability is why you buy a Toyota Corolla. Not because it’s fun, or sexy, or beautiful.

(Sorry, Corolla drivers).

BUT, there’s a caveat:

The Toyota Corolla is the best selling car of all time.

Why? You guessed it…

Because you know that when you turn the key in the morning, that sucker is going to start right up.

They stand the test of time because they’re reliable and trustworthy, just like the best life partners are.

5: They’re flexible.

AHEM, I don’t mean physically (though, that doesn’t hurt…)

I mean that they can adjust when life throws them curveballs.

“But James! In point #1 you said they have to be steady!”

There are some things in life that we simply cannot control. A steady demeanor does not mean a stubborn attitude, it means staying cool while changes are happening, which they will.

Being flexible allows someone to take life’s changes in stride. Perhaps they or you get laid off. Maybe plans tend to change last minute. Maybe you’ve got kids and your days become wildly unpredictable…

Someone who is unable to handle change is going to have a very difficult time adjusting to the nuances of life, adding further stress.

Flexibility, though, accepts the things that cannot be controlled and adjusts accordingly.

Flexibility also allows for compromise.

Any time two (or more) lives are merged together, compromise is essential. Traditions, viewpoints, values, beliefs…you are not guaranteed to agree on all of it.

So, flexibility through compromise for both partners is required in order to find a middle ground.

Without it, harmony will be impossible to achieve.

6: They’re FUN.

Life is serious enough as it is, having someone who’s got a fun side is very important in finding the levity in life. Pointing out the silver linings, laughing together, being able to enjoy even the most mundane of tasks or errands because you’re by each other’s sides.

Nobody dreams of growing up to be with someone who is serious all the time. It’s difficult to connect, difficult to laugh, difficult to love when someone is staunch and stoic.

Laughter is an important ingredient in the recipe of life (and love).

7: They’re ambitious.

Imagine that you enter into a life-long relationship with someone who’s perfectly content and happy with the way everything is right now at this very moment.

No drive to do more, be more, see more, live more.

Just — give them the couch and a beer at the end of the day. Rinse, repeat.

Listen, it may sound like I’m judging here — but the point I’m making is that life is long.

There is a lot to see and do, and thousands of days spent together with someone when you’re their partner on the journey.

If someone does not harness a sense of ambition, curiosity, wonder about their own abilities and the world — eventually things will get stale.

There will be boredom, resentment, and a complete lack of intimacy.

Ambition looks like different things for different people, so there is no universal application; it just doesn’t look like laziness.

8: They’re sexually compatible with you.

Key words: With you.

What you do in private is your business, but that business is shared when you’re in a relationship (obviously).

It doesn’t matter if your sexual style is vanilla or ghost-pepper spicy, but it does matter that your life-long partner has similar desires, enjoyments, or is open to indulging in yours as you do for them in return.

No, sex does not hold a relationship together — but total lack of it can pull one apart.

9: They’re a great friend.

Bet you didn’t see this coming.

Hell, I didn’t even see it coming until I got to the final point in the article and asked myself: “How can I summarize a few qualities into one?”

Here’s the reality of life:

There are going to be struggles, challenges, ups, and downs.

There are going to be times when you need to be cared for.

And, when you need to care for your partner.

There are going to be times when you need a shoulder to cry on.

There’ll also be times when you have much to celebrate — and look to your lover as your celebration buddy.

You’ll face loss, and heartache, and failure.

You’ll also enjoy triumphs, and victories, and your life’s greatest achievements.

You’ll want to have a lot of sex.

Or, maybe you or your partner gets sick and you cannot have any sex at all for awhile.

You’ll need someone to talk to.

You’ll be the ear they need at times, too.

Think about the underlying qualities of a person who you’d want to do all of this with…for the rest of your life.

It doesn’t matter how beautiful, or handsome, or sexy, or wealthy, or cool they are if they cannot run the gamut of life alongside of you.

Someone can be a good person and still not a good person for you.

If they can be your lover and your friend, though, there will be no hill too high for you to climb together.

You’ll be there to support each other, cheer each other on, and catch each other when you fall.

You’ll be their teammate as they are to you.

Friends are there for each other — in sickness, and in health, just like a great life partner will be.

• My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.
• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.