The Long Goodbye and Gould’s Failure to Feed Morris the Cat

Eliot Gould struggled to outperform his co-star

Morris the cat never liked Eliot Gould. They failed to bond on set. One infamous morning, Gould had stormed into Director Robert Altman’s private trailer and demanded the removal of Morris the Cat. Altman laughed replying that the cat was a better method actor than he was.

The pair acted together performing the opening sequence to The Long Goodbye. Gould, playing Marlowe, awakens from a hard night out drinking and slouching thanks to Morris. Claws sharpened, the tabby cat knew exactly what spot he needed to hit to have a massive impact. He dug deep. It took 29 takes for Gould not to react with a scream.

Morris sensed fear. He knew he was dominating the weaker species. It was becoming an issue of life and death. If Morris wasn’t fed soon he would go full-nuclear on Altman. He was the star of the movie and everyone knew the opening scene sets the tone for the entire movie. If only that pussy Gould could get his act together.

Gould, a little intimidated by the presence of Morris, struggled to recall his lines. He was fucking up big time. His words were mumbled. It was clear he envied Morris’s stature. The cat had the larger trailer and everybody loved him on set. Morris was already a veteran of the commercial world. He had starred in over 30 commercials by 1973 and was a beloved mascot for 9Lives cat food. He knew how to act. Who the fuck was Gould?

Morris jumped on Gould again. An improvised moment that Altman loved. Landing square on Gould’s protruding stomach, Morris meowed before nonchalantly moving on. This time Gould got up. Did he call that acting? All Gould needed to do was get off the bed and go feed the cat. It’s not rocket science. It’s not the most technical challenge you could face.

Three, four, five more times Morris meowed off-screen.

“Get off the fucking bed Gould and feed me!”

Was he coming? No. Gould lit a cigarette first. Like that bum couldn’t function unless he inhaled tobacco. Gould was a fire risk. There were four people standing around the set armed with extinguishers. It wasn’t advisable to light a match off a wall. What an amateur. Gould was putting everybody's life in danger.

What happened next? Gould staggered to the cupboard and couldn’t find the mark. He insults Morris by calling him ‘kid’ and then he fails to locate the cat food. Where did they hire this ass? What Amdram Production did they pull him from? Dick Whittington? Cats the fucking musical?

“Gould! The saucer is on the floor and the food is under the sink!”

Morris jumps on Gould again. This time it was a headshot as Morris literally screams in his ear. Still, Gould refused to listen. That numbnuts asked Morris if he wanted peanut butter. Peanut butter? Did he look like a trained monkey? Morris would later star in ‘Shamus’ alongside Burt Reynolds, a true professional. Burt knew what Morris liked. Fresh fish.

“FRESH FISH GOULD! FRESH FISH!”

The look of contempt on Morris’s face as Gould moved from the fridge to the sink and back to the fridge again. And what does he pull out? It wasn’t even identifiable as cat food. Gould labels it ‘butterfingers concoction’. What even is that? Morris can’t even…

There was no respect. Gould treated Morris like his understudy as he pulled a dirty bowl out from under the sink. A lack of hygiene disgusted Morris. Jumping onto the counter, Morris warned Gould that he was pushing his buttons. If he served that shlopp, Morris would not be responsible for his actions. But Gould ignored him. Schlapp. The first spoonful splattered on the plate. Gould sniffed it. Cigarette ash dropped into the food. You could visibly see Gould pull back as the smell overwhelmed him. This food was rank. It was a disgrace to even call it food.

A wry smile appears on Gould’s face. He knew exactly what his about to do. Revenge on the cat. Morris was going to pay for every single time he had jumped on his face. That cat was going to suffer.

Altman indicated to the team to continue shooting. This was gold. He originally wanted Gould to stroke the cat and then feed him some chow. The tension between the two was making the scene dynamic.

Gould sniffed again before reaching for a container. He liberally sprinkles a contaminant on the food. Morris suspected Gould was trying to poison him. Killing a cat was a federal offense Gould!

Humming to himself, Gould placed the food in front of Morris.

“What the fuck is that Gould? You call this food? I wait all this fucking time and this is the shit you serve me? Cat puke? Fuck you Gould!”

Morris tipped the plate off the counter. He was pissed. Gould now had the upper hand. He proceeded to insult Morris directly to camera. Belittling Morris in front of the crew by talking smack about his heritage. He questioned his hunting ability. Wondered aloud if Morris was even a true Bengal Tiger cat. This wasn’t what Morris signed up for. His appearance in the movie could make or break the film. They needed him more than this piss-ant Gould.

Morris eyes his target and takes one more leap at Gould’s throat but lands squarely on his shoulder. He digs deep. Gould, aware the cameras were still running, can’t react. He’s the tough guy. He can’t show he’s in pain. Morris claws his back as he jumps off.

The scene ends with Gould heading to a party.

To date, it’s considered the greatest man-cat opening scene in the history of cinema. In a quote wrongly attributed to Marlon Brando, Morris meowed on the red carpet debut event, “Mr. Gould appears to be wearing my last year’s wardrobe and using my last year’s talent.”

The two refused to share any more screen-time.

Morris would die five years later. His obituary appeared in the New York Times. Nobody mentioned Eliot Gould.