8 Unspoken Rules Of Healthy Relationships

Some rules AREN’T meant to be broken.

Having “rules” is a concept that makes many of us shudder in the context of an intimate relationship. Aren’t rules supposed to be for more…rigid matters? Rules take the fun, enjoyment, and romance out of things — and they also begin to feel a little…controlling.

Here’s the thing, though: Rules also serve as guidelines. They’re similar to boundaries, but stronger and more set in stone.

I’ve always colored outside of the lines in my life, so I am certainly not one to come on here and suggest that others live within any sort of confines. But, I believe that a happy and healthy relationship is between two people who agree on ways that they will, (and also won’t) act towards each other and in the relationship itself.

Let’s discuss some of these “rules” that I think every healthy relationship should have in place, and then you can let me know whether you agree or disagree.

Note: This is not the type of article that’s about keeping the romance alive, or planning date nights, or “rules” like that. This is more about rules of engagement, or rather, things you promise not to do — or to do in order to maintain the health and stability of the relationship.

1: Never use your insecurities against each other.

The entire foundation of a healthy relationship is built on trust. Yes, love — but love is a product of trust and respect, two highly valuable attributes that must be earned over time, and can never be given freely.

Two attributes that are also quite fragile, and can be broken apart far quicker than they can be built up.

Love can really only form when we’re willing to be open and vulnerable with our partner. When we share our deepest thoughts, desires, fears, insecurities, fantasies, and selves with them.

Part of entering into a relationship is making the pledge that when someone gives you these precious gifts, you will honor them, cherish them, and keep them safe.

It follows then, that there is no excuse to weaponize these insecurities against the very person who trusted you with them.

It doesn’t matter how mad you get, it doesn’t matter how big the fight is…this is still supposed to a person that you love, and that must remain at the core of your interactions at all times.

2: Always acknowledge and validate each other’s feelings.

Relationships are tricky because they’re quite literally the merging together of two people who have different upbringings, backgrounds, perspectives, and feelings…

The whole idea of “compatibility” is finding someone whose idea of the aforementioned, aligns with yours the best.

You’re still, of course, two separate people with individual emotions and experiences — and that means you’re going to see (and feel) things differently at times.

Absorb this: Just because you’re not feeling the same thing as your partner, doesn’t mean their feelings are invalid.

One of the challenging parts of a relationship (but also one of the most important) is being able to step outside of ourselves and feel what our partner is feeling — or at least to seek to understand it (and them) even if it’s different from our own experience. Nay, especially if it’s different from our own experience.

This is how we build empathy, trust, and connection.

How we don’t do that, is by dismissing their feelings, emotions, or opinions just because we don’t understand them.

Your feelings are not the right feelings just because they’re yours.

Similarly, their feelings are not the right feelings just because they’re theirs.

Both partners in a relationship need to acknowledge and honor what each other are feeling in the moment. To validate those feelings. To show and feel empathy.

It’s okay if you don’t “get it” or can’t understand why they’re responding the way that they are — that’s what communication is for. Sit down, discuss, hear them out, and seek to understand, just as they should for you.

3: Don’t just “walk away.”

…without coming back to finish what you started.

I’m putting that caveat above in italics because, let’s face it…sometimes you need to walk away. You need some space, you need to cool down, you need to process your thoughts or feelings before you’re able to organize them and have a rational conversation.

What I’m saying with this “rule,” though, is don’t just walk away and leave things unfinished. Make sure there is clear intention that you’re going to finish this discussion once you can gather yourself and come back with more clarity.

Completely avoiding conflict, or deserting our partner in a time of need, or essentially invalidating their feelings by not engaging with them (see point #2) will just do more harm than good.

It may be uncomfortable, it may suck to talk about, it may be painful…but staying in the mud with your partner helps the two of you to climb through it together, rather than one person feeling left abandoned while you storm off by yourself.

Take space if you need it, but make sure they know that it’s temporary.

4: Don’t yell at each other.

I see you cringing right now…nervously considering scrolling right past this point, thinking about the times you and your partner have gotten heated and raised your voices to each other.

It happens. Nobody is perfect. Tensions run high. Conversations can get emotionally charged.

I think you’ll find, though, that the louder things get — the less you actually hear each other.

You start to lose the logical part of the discussion and become immersed in the emotions. You say things you don’t mean, and you say them at a higher volume than you intended.

Usually, one person tends to start getting louder and the other follow suit, before the entire thing devolves into a screaming match that nobody is going to win.

From this point forth, set a “rule” with your partner to intentionally stay calm, cool and collected. Remind yourself (or them) that things are getting a bit loud and you need to take a moment to breathe. This is a difficult but important agreement to make, because in a heated moment it may set you off even more — but we all have to do our best to remember these promises we keep to ourselves and our partner.

Now, listen, I’m certainly not trying to make it seem like you’re getting into screaming matches at every turn. If that’s the case, you need to do a lot more than read this article in order to turn things around…

What I am saying is that if you and your partner can agree upon this rule from the beginning, or even now moving forward, it can help to mitigate and manage any future disagreements that may arise.

Remember — raising your voice doesn’t enhance your argument.

5: Don’t threaten to leave.

We should be seeking to strengthen the foundation of our relationship with another person, not to weaken it — which is exactly what veiled threats to leave them is going to do.

You may not mean it, but in the heat of the moment you’ve tossed a threat into the air that hints — or blatantly says — that you’re just “all done” and that you’re going to walk away.

Now, here’s the thing: Maybe you really are.

You must maintain your boundaries and only accept treatment that you deserve from a partner.

If there is any form of abuse, if there’s been betrayal or cheating, if you’re unhappy, if you’ve fallen out of love, or if you feel the relationship is irreparable and you need to move on for your own well-being (and/or theirs), then you need to gather the courage and have a serious conversation telling your partner your intentions to part ways.

If, however, you’re just trying to be spiteful, or hurt their feelings, or “win” an argument, or lashing out — and do so by threatening a breakup or a divorce, then that is an unacceptable “strategy” that should never be implemented.

All it’s going to do is reverberate and sew doubt in in your partner’s mind for days (or weeks) to come.

6: Always remind them that you love them.

We’ve talked a lot in this article about conduct during disagreements and arguments, and I want to reiterate that I’m not trying to suggest that all relationships are plagued with these situations on a regular basis.

This article is, after all, about healthy relationships.

I do think though, that one of the major markers of a healthy relationship itself, is how conflict is handled.

When you think about it, that’s really one of the major differences between healthy and unhealthy couples — not if they have conflict or disagreements (because they all do), but how they handle it when it arises.

I think that a lot of times when you’re feeling disconnected, or even angry — a partner can start to question your feelings for them. Is this a permanent problem? Are you past the point of no return? Have you fallen out of love with them?

In these moments: Remember the things that made you fall in love with them in the first place.

More than that — remind them that you still love them, but you’re just feeling stressed, or hurt, or whatever it is that you’re feeling.

7: Set a goal of mutual understanding for every conversation.

Alright, we’ve covered things that should and shouldn’t be done during conflict, so now you’re sitting calmly, not raising your voice, expressing your thoughts to each other…now what? What’s the end goal?

I think that the end goal of conversations in a relationship is that both people feel understood by each other. That they’ve been heard, seen, and acknowledged. That they’ve had a chance to express their true and unfiltered thoughts, feelings, and emotions — and they’ve been received without judgment.

If a conversation ends without this happening for one or both partners, it’s going to feel unfinished, incomplete, and possibly even like a giant waste of time and energy.

“James, that might take a long time to accomplish!”

Well — if you’re planning on committing your entire life to someone, you can certainly commit an extra couple of minutes (or if necessary — hours) in order to make them feel understood and valued…can’t you?

8: Always stay connected to your true self.

Perhaps the biggest promise we need to make to ourselves and to our partner is that we will not lose ourselves in this relationship.

When you first meet someone, you fall in love with the person they’ve worked to become up until that point. Their passions, their drive, ambition, the way they treat others, the way they treat loved ones, the way they treat themselves…

Yet, so many people begin sacrificing their identity for the sake of a relationship.

They start to mold themselves into what they think their partner wants, and oftentimes, pull back on their own interests and passions as a result.

The irony is that this is done with the intention of drawing a partner closer, but effectively what’s really happening is you’re giving up some of the things that drew them to you in the first place.

Inevitably, this causes a feeling of crisis and confusion as we lose sight of who we really are over the years or decades, which could potentially lead to resentment or other difficulties within your relationship.

Relationships are about full acceptance of each other.

Love. Respect. Admiration. Trust. Inspiration.

All things felt and received from someone who is shining in their fullest light as who they really are. A privilege they feel grateful for because of the person they’ve chosen to be with (you).

The notion of “you complete me” is cute and romantic…but it’s unrealistic.

Relationships aren’t about two people who “complete” each other, they’re about two people who are already whole and love each other completely.

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• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.