8 Types of Mothers During Coronavirus

The virus has mutated women into highly unqualified teachers.

2020. The year of the Coronavirus. The year when an entire demographic of women became homeschool teachers overnight. Each one tackled the challenge with a different approach:

1.The Wannabe Teacher: This chick missed her calling. She has always wanted to be a teacher, so she has risen to the occasion. Despite the pandemic occurring outside her windows, she is secretly excited for her time to shine and educate the snot out of her kids.

She wants her kids’ principal to say, “Wow little lady, now you’ve certainly done a spectacular job of filling in! You are the best teacher I’ve ever seen!”

The Dixon Ticonderoga #2 pencils are sharpened. All the crayons are present and accounted for in the Crayola box. The Chromebooks are charged. Game on.

2. The Clueless Mom: “Umm, like what are they, like supposed to be doing and stuff?” This mom woke up on Monday, March 16, 2020. She stared at her kids who were staring at her. And then she stared at them.

A dueling stare-off, each party waited for the other to know. To know what?

• To know what was lurking inside the backpacks that had been tossed in the corner since Friday.
• To know what the influx of unopened emails from the school actually said.

She doesn’t want her kids to fall behind, but this gig is way over her head.

3. The Pinterest-ista: Not too far a stretch from the Wannabe Teacher, this mom turned to Pinterest to give her inspo for her new fulltime job that she never applied for.

She didn’t have to order an overnight shipment of supplies from AC Moore. Nope, she already had a closet designated to color-coordinated crafting supplies in linen baskets labeled with chalkboard paint signs.

Schedules for tomorrow’s lessons are beautifully constructed the night before with precision and an artistic eye.

Hourly posts to her socials of photographs with trendy filters and clever captions showcasing her kids diligently working. #momlife #coronavirus #ugh

4. The Pissed/Venting Mom: Steer clear from this anger bomb! She is mad at the school. She is mad at the teachers. She is mad at the government. She is mad that her routine is all in shambles. She is mad, mad, mad!

Fellow moms’ phones blow up with pissed off texts about the situation. She needs to vent to anybody, to everybody. She walks around the house venting to nobody.

She needs a good lay and a stiff drink. ’Cause girl, this shit ain’t changing anytime soon.

5. The Fitness Mom: All of our lives have been ruffled, but the thing she can’t cope with is the sudden pause in her fitness regime. With her aerial pilates studio closed, she ties up her purple running sneakers and hits the pavement.

Decked out in her Lululemon compression tights and AirPod Pros, she’s ready to get her fitness on. Coronavirus can’t stop her self-care!

Never having run a day in her life, she pulls a quad. Now she’s limping and doing bicep curls on the couch with 3lb dumbbells.

6. The Working Mom: This mom had high hopes for “the new normal.” She set up a work from home space for herself and designated workspaces for her kids, equipped with adequate office supplies.

She foolishly thought that they would exist together in harmony, quietly working. She thought she’d easily be able to take a conference call or jump on a video meeting.

Mom. Mom. Mom, can you come here? Mom, can you help me? Mom, I have a question. Mom, can you get me a snack. Mom, I don’t get this? Mom, can you help me? Mom, what’s 9 + 7? Mom, am I done? Mom, what do I do next? Mom, what do you want to do? Mom, nevermind, I forget.

7. The Doomsayer: Why does schoolwork even matter when the world is ending? She can’t focus on helping her kids with their work. She’s too busy checking her phone.

The news is on 24/7. She doesn’t even care anymore if she’s watching Fox News or CNN. She’s waiting to see those fatalities rise.

Because she’ll be next. It is coming. She feels it. Oh, and she also bought all the toilet paper.

8. I’ll Take the Combo: There’s a woman who has a career but is now working from home.

She’s on top of her kids’ schoolwork, but she’s also confused at what they are supposed to do.

She’s scared and watching the news when the kids aren’t looking.

She misses yoga.

She hands her kids a roll of toilet paper.

“Make art,” she says. Or something. She pours a tequila and waits to do it again tomorrow.

Emme Beckett is a former speech/grant writer turned mom blogger, turned essayist. And occasional humorist.

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