8 Sad Reasons Why You’re Lonely and How to Get More Friends

Become someone worth knowing.

You’re lonely, and you feel the stigma surrounding loneliness. You think admitting it makes you a loser and it destroys your last bit of self-esteem.

But you’re a good person. You seem to measure up well against others— you work hard and treat people with respect.

Yet other people seem to be beacons of popularity. Everyone on social media seems to have thousands of friends.

So why are you lonely?

1. You need to get outside of your own head.

People want to be around others who lift their mood. They want to feel better, energized, and more optimistic. Why would they want to be around someone even more miserable than they are? They need relief. Life’s hard, and people are working around the clock to survive.

Ask yourself what you can do to improve the lives of others. Get outside your head and think about life from the other person’s point of view. Even a brief encounter gives you the chance to make someone happier.

By helping others, you’ll feel more fulfilled. You don’t have to become a martyr — you have the same needs as everyone else. But there will be plenty of time to open up once you’ve made friends. For now, you have to focus on other people.

2. Never forget your friends.

You need a balance between all your relationships. The friends you do have won’t be willing to play second fiddle to your latest date. Push them away too much, and when things go wrong in your relationship, you’ll have no one to host your pity party.

After years of being bullied, I found my first girlfriend at university. I never thought it would happen to me. At the same time, I made my first real friends. Everything was coming up Leon.

I got carried away with my infatuation. I abandoned my friends because I wanted to spend every minute with my girlfriend. I would even take her back to my parent's house at weekends.

My friends were expanding their social circle while I was getting tunnel vision.

When I broke up with her, my friends had moved on. I had to house-share with strangers in my second year because my friends were now closer to each other.

3. You’re a drama farmer.

People avoid gossips. Occasionally, you may have a juicy story to tell, and at that moment, you’ll get an audience as you betray others and cause trouble. But your audience isn’t stupid. They know you’re shallow and dishonest.

They know that you’re doing the same to them.

I understand why you do it — you think you’re boring. Other people wouldn’t care about your life, so you entertain them with gossip about others. But no one will trust you.

4. You try to be the Sheriff of your friendships.

Do you keep mental records of whose turn it is to decide on a restaurant? Do you have rules as to who texts who first? If you keep this kind of score chart, you’re pushing your friends away. Instead, focus on what you can give to the relationship.

You aren’t the Sheriff of your friendship. People want friends, not a hierarchical system of rules.

I’ve lost many friendships through stubbornness regarding who is “meant” to do what and when. It’s a petty way to live.

5. Jealousy is a sign you feel like this.

How do you feel if your friend succeeds in something you care about? Real friends are happy and want to celebrate. But if you feel envy, it will reveal itself despite your efforts to hide it.

Why do you get jealous when a friend is promoted? Why do you feel envy when a friend lands a date or a pay rise?

Insecurity.

Things aren’t going well for you, and you feel more deserving. In reality, you aren’t owed anything. So instead of being bitter, look at why your friend has been so successful and see if you can adopt some of those characteristics.

I’m a competitive person. Historically I’ve been jealous when people make more money, play chess, or write better than me. I even get annoyed if my girlfriend beats me at Wordle.

But I’m starting to see the success of others as a learning opportunity. And when a real friend of mine hits on good fortune, I feel happy for them now.

Make the most of your friend's success. Learn to be more self-aware.

6. Cut people some slack.

Sometimes your friends will do something that hurt’s you or falls short of your expectations. This doesn’t always mean you need to cut them off. You could have the best friend in the world, and they still won’t always be at your beck and call.

Learn to give other people some slack. Recognize your imperfections.

My dad was the kind of friend you could phone in the middle of the night, and he would travel to the ends of the earth to help you. He would even give you the shirt off his back. He expected his friends to do the same, but they rarely did. In frustration, he would cut them off.

You won’t be fortunate enough to meet many people like my dad. Consider yourself lucky if you meet one such person. Lesser mortals are still worth your time. Be more forgiving.

7. If you keep saying no, they won’t stick around.

They won't stick around if you keep ignoring your friend's offers to meet and do things together. You’ll miss out on the group bonding that happens without you, just like me at University.

Sometimes you have to force yourself to meet up when you don’t want to. Why even be friends when meeting up feels like a chore?

One friend stuck by me when I was medically retired from being a police officer aged 27. He phoned me every week, and we’d talk. Then he’d ask me to meet up for a drink. I couldn’t bear crowds or noise, so I always said no.

I haven’t heard from him for years now.

8. How can you make friends if you don’t meet people?

Even if you have the best personality in the world, you won’t make friends if you don’t put yourself in situations where you can meet people.

Initiate conversations with strangers. Make opportunities to meet others based on your interests. Remind yourself that success often lies outside your comfort zone.

One of those strangers might become a lifelong friend.

Step out of your way.

Social success is based on a genuine interest in other people. Magic happens when you leave your insular world and start caring about someone else.

Start saying yes more often. Stop stirring up trouble. When you can make others feel good about themselves, you’ll have more friends and may even find love. There is no limit to what you can achieve.

It’s time to step out of your way.

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