8 Reasons Why I‘m Not Going to Mars

Sorry, Elon

Several billionaires — Elon Musk, Bobby Bigelow, Gerald McBoing Boeing — have been talking about sending people to Mars, not only to look around but to settle down and live there. Personally, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Oh sure, I know it’s in our human DNA to explore the universe just as it has been since Charles Darwin’s ancestors first slimed out of the primordial ooze to become monkeys and swing through the trees, but Mars is a whole different ballgame. Based on my scientific knowledge as an ex-English teacher, here’s 8 reasons why I’ve decided not to go to Mars.

1. Mars has little or no global magnetical field

Unlike Earth, Mars has no spinning molten iron core to create a major magnetical field. Scientists like Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye don’t really know why Mars’ core cooled and quit spinning, while other scientists like Al Gore blame President Trump. But the upshot is, with little or no magnetosphere the beaches and pools on Mars (more on this later) would be awash with UV’s, ergo, no sunbathing. Well, you could, but only for about 999 milliseconds; otherwise, you’d end up looking like an over-nuked Hot Pocket with a bad tan line below your neck. That’s because you also can’t breathe on Mars without a helmet, and who wants to wear a helmet when sunbathing. I’m almost positive starting out, there will be very strict helmet laws on Mars.

2. Mars has a very long year

A year on Mars is 687 days. That means each season is 171.25 days long. This will cause a lot of problems. First, the baseball and basketball seasons will last 10 months, at least. Then their wildcard, divisional, and league play-offs will go another 4 months with each series consisting of the best 11 of 14. This will cause an uptick in methamphetamine use by the baseball fans in order to stay awake and longer riots by the basketball fans because that’s what they do. Of course, football season will last longer, too. Which is okay. Maybe on Mars, they’ll expand the College Championship Series to 8 teams.

But back to my reasons for not going. There’s the shopping seasons. Each month will have to be expanded to 57 days, so you’re going to have to listen to Little Drummer Boy and Twelve Days of Christmas for over a hundred days. And they might increase the latter to twenty-four days. On the upside, I’d have many more days to put off buying that Valentine’s Day card for my wife.

Birthdays could be a problem, and not just because your kid will be born on February 49th. Who wants to wait two years for that $25 gift card to Bass Pro from your wife or the birthday card from your insurance agent? On the other hand, at my age, I wouldn’t mind waiting a couple of years to be only one year older.

You’d have to wait almost two years for your vacation. Maybe they’d up the basic two weeks to four, or three to six, depending on your seniority. Of course, if you signed on with a bunch of French colonists, you’d get like 60 weeks plus paid holidays and your birthday. But even with all that time, where would you go? I mean, Mars is basically one big desert. A big red Desert — no forests, no oceans, no beaches, no trendy over-priced coffee shops, no wi-fi. NASA does advertise one big-ass canyon you can visit; but, you know, if you’ve seen one big-ass canyon, you’ve seen them all. Another tourist attraction would be the Big Elvis Face, but I think it’s closed for repairs.

3. Mars boasts no Oceans, no beaches, no forests

If you got no seas, you got no seafood. I’m not a big fan of seafood, but others no doubt would miss lobster, clam chowder, blowfish, kelp, and crabbie patties. I had calamari once. To be honest, I’ve eaten rubber bands that tasted better. But that’s just me.

I guess no beaches would be a moot point with the sunburn thing unless you wanted to go there for Spring Break. Which I don’t.

With no forests, there would be no firewood and it gets very cold on Mars.

4. It gets very cold on Mars

Mars is way farther from the Sun than Earth and gets about half the sunlight. The average temperature on Mars is 57 degrees Fahrenheit for the high and minus 81 F. for the low. However, if you measure it in Celsius, it’s not so cold. It can get down to minus 284 F. in some parts. But it’s a dry cold, so it probably wouldn’t feel like minus 284.

5. Mars has atrocious weather

Mars has two types of weather: 1 — Sunny and cold. 2 — Windy and dusty… and cold, with widely scattered dust devils. Cat 5 dust storms are not uncommon. And the air quality is zilch unless you’re a pine tree or some other cold-climate plant because the air is 95% carbon dioxide, which I’m told plants like to breathe, that is when it’s not frozen.

6. Martian moons aren’t romantic

Mars has two moons that look more like potatoes than moons. Despite their names (Phobos and Deimos) being much cooler than our moon’s name (Moon), I doubt either would inspire much poetry or song. Deimos is just a speck in the sky which rises in the east and sets in the west every three days, and Phobos is fast and backwards as it rises in the west and sets in the east twice a day. So, using “many moons” as a reference for an expanse of time would be a complicated term on Mars.

7. Mars has low gravity

Normally, low gravity wouldn’t be a bad thing given my current weight, but I’m kind of a klutz. I have a hard enough time maintaining my balance in Earth’s gravity. I could see myself falling down more on Mars and in slow motion. Probably would make my voice slow down, too, when I’m falling. Like, “Ooooh craaaaaap!” Thud.

8. Mars has ugly skies and sunsets

One scientist on YouTube said Mars has blue sunsets and yellow skies. He explained it’s the way light is scattered and refracted or redacted blah, blah, something, something. Whatever. I just don’t think I’d want to exist in an Andy Warhol painting.

I’m sure there are other things I could find wrong with Mars, but these are enough for now. I can use these excuses when I get cornered by the time-share salesman at the Mars Red Rock Haven Condos kiosk at Bass Pro.

There are other options. I read just the other day some German scientists found an Earth-like planet orbiting in the Goldilocks Zone of a sun like our own… or was it the Mary, Mary Quite Contrary Zone? Anyway, it’s a fat Earth — twice the size of our homeworld — with the catchy name TOI-456.04. Now see, that’s why Astronomers and Assholphysicists need more English and/or Marketing majors in their ranks. They’re never going to sell anyone on going to a planet named TOI-456.04. It needs to be something like Volkron or Velcro or Kashyyyk or Syphylys Prime.

With a new name, it would look more promising. However, it is 3,000 light-years away, and I don’t think I could spare the time to get there, even with Elon Musk driving.

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