8 Painful Lessons I Learned from Getting Married and Ending Up Divorced
Picture this: You are at a wedding. It is beautiful, everything has been planned to perfection, and the bride and groom look like they are floating on cloud nine. As you watch them exchange their vows and share their first dance, you can’t help but feel happy for them.
But then you start to wonder…will their marriage last?
Statistics show that 50% of marriages end in divorce. So, what makes those other 50% work? According to the National Center for Health Statistics, about half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce.
The average length of marriage in the United States is about 8.2 years. Sixty percent of couples who marry between the ages of 20 and 25 will divorce. Those who marry after age 25 are 24 percent less likely to divorce.
Are there lessons we can learn from them?
By learning from the mistakes of others, you can help to ensure that your marriage is successful.
Let me start by stating that divorce is not pleasant. It lowers the self-esteem and confidence of individuals, tears families apart, damages their finances, traumatizes the children, and provides big income for divorce lawyers.
In this blog post, I will share 8 painful lessons I learned from getting married — and end up divorced.
1. You must know the difference between possessiveness and love.
Years ago, when I was in college, I ran into an old high school flame. He had been my “first” boyfriend. But our romance wasn’t meant to be and we parted ways, vowing to stay friends forever.
I was in my early 20s when I saw him again. We connected almost immediately. The feelings we had for each other when we were teens came rushing back. This time, though, there was no stopping us.
He moved in within a couple of weeks and eventually proposed (after 4 ½ months). Once he put that ring on my finger, he turned into the type of boyfriend I never wanted: controlling and insecure.
He didn’t like it when I wore certain clothes (he found them too revealing and thought men were looking at me), he would get angry if I talked to other guys, and any time we went out together, he needed to know where I was going and with whom.
If I wanted to go get a drink with my girlfriends, he would insist on coming along (whether they liked it or not). If we went out to dinner and friends joined us, he would get upset if men sat near me at the table.
He said that if another man had more than two drinks at our table, he would need to switch seats with him. He was jealous of all the time I spent with my girlfriends (he didn’t like that I had guy friends, too), and he even accused me of cheating on him more than once.
When things were bad between us, I would think about all those years ago when we first dated; how we were so much fun, and how carefree those days seemed. If only I could go back to those days again…
I’m not sure what changed or why, but one day I woke up and realized he just wasn’t the right man for me. Although we never actually talked about it, we both knew it was over. We sold everything we owned together. And just like that; our marriage was over.
I am now happily married to the man of my dreams, but I will never forget what it was like living with someone who had no respect for me or my (female) friendships. If only I had known then what I know now…
So how can you ensure that your relationship lasts?
The number one thing you need to remember is that marriage isn’t a competition — there’s no competition at all. There should be no sense of insecurity within a marriage, and possessiveness has no place here.
If he shows he cares about you by being jealous or by acting possessive, it means he doesn’t trust you. In a marriage, trust is very important — and it should be something that comes from both sides.
If you want to make your relationship work long-term, then know that love has nothing to do with possession or ownership — it’s about freedom.
2. You must learn how to exude confidence — especially in the bedroom.
And I’m not talking about being so confident that you become bossy or demanding. No man wants to be with a woman who just lays there in bed doing nothing while he tries to have sex with her.
Remember this saying? Actions speak louder than words. It’s an old saying for a reason — it’s because it holds so much truth.
If you want your sex life to be successful, start with being confident in everything you do. Don’t just open the car door for him; have dinner ready when he gets home from work, too. Don’t just wear whatever you want; make sure you look attractive and sexy for him before leaving the house.
Stop thinking that the best version of yourself is someone he has to pry out of you. It’s not like this at all: Be open, be honest and share everything with your mate (and I mean everything). This is how a relationship is supposed to be — supportive and open.
It’s not about being perfect — it’s about learning from your mistakes and trying to better yourself every single day. That’s what a meaningful life is all about, isn’t it? It’s a journey that never ends, but that ultimately makes us better people in the end.
3. Think of men as your equals — not as the men who “need to protect you.”
I used to think that I was weaker than my fiancé, so I let him take charge and be in control. He didn’t even have to ask me if I wanted him to do this or that. He just assumed. And, since it made him happy, I let him.
It wasn’t until he said that I was lucky to have him that I realized how detrimental this attitude is. Yes, indeed, women are often physically weaker than men; but they’re most certainly not mentally weaker. We were (and still are) meant to stand beside our mates, not in front of them or behind them.
As long as you’re living by the mantra that men are supposed to be in charge, then you’ll never have a truly loving relationship with your man. If he wants to lead, then great — but it should be because he respects you and trusts you enough to take the reins. Otherwise, there isn’t much of a point.
4. Learn how to communicate effectively with him on everything — no matter how small it is.
This one should be easy, right? If you want your relationship to work out well, then just talk about everything that’s bothering you! Right? Well, ladies…not so much.
Don’t forget: there’s a reason why women are known as the “fairer” sex. We’re more sensitive than men, and we can’t just shake off our feelings as they do. So, when you communicate with your mate, remember that this is real life — not a game.
Look: if he’s upset about something or he has some concerns, do not try to brush it off with a “silly” or “stupid” remark. This will only show him that you don’t care about what he has to say, and it will do nothing except drive a wedge between the two of you.
This isn’t just about learning how to communicate with your man — it’s also about learning how to relate with him on every single level: mentally, emotionally, and physically.
5. Don’t be afraid to challenge his ideas and opinions — but do so in a respectful way.
The only way for your relationship to last is if you can both grow together as individuals. Not just as a couple, but as individuals who are constantly learning and challenging themselves. You don’t just date someone because they’re your boyfriend/girlfriend. You date them because they inspire you to be a better person, too.
Don’t forget: he’s not perfect! He has his flaws, just like you do. It doesn’t matter who he is or what he believes in. If something bothers you, then bring it up to him in a manner that won’t cause an argument.
For example, let’s say he has trouble opening up about his feelings. You can try to understand why he feels the way he does without making him feel like you don’t care about how he views life.
Maybe there was something bad that happened when he was a child, and he’s really afraid to let that go. If you can understand why he feels this way — then you stand a much better chance of him understanding why you feel the way you do; even if it’s something completely different (and there’s nothing wrong with that.)
6. Don’t think that if the relationship ends, you will never find anyone else
People can be incredibly insecure when they are in a new relationship. They worry about it ending and obsess over every little thing their significant other does. But all relationships end at some point, whether because of death or because one person meets someone else. People are constantly changing, growing, and meeting new people. There will never be anyone who can take your present relationship’s place because there is no such person out there.
7. Don’t put off telling family and friends about the relationship
If you are serious about someone, don’t keep it a secret from your family and friends. If it is meant to be, they will support you and love your significant other like one of their own. If they react negatively, then maybe the relationship isn’t for you after all.
8. Be willing to fight for your relationship
You must be aware of the fact that relationships take work, and it is also important to know when enough is enough. If you have done everything you can to save the relationship, but nothing seems to be working, then it may be time to walk away.
You must remember to never fight dirty, to never argue over the little things, and to always treat your significant other with respect. If you are willing to do this, then there is no reason that your relationship will not be rock solid.
Remember the golden rule: whatever happens in your relationship — it’s two people against the world. Both of you have to accept responsibility for the choices you have made, and both of you must respect one another. And never go to bed angry — always kiss and make up before going to sleep.
Remember: your best friend is your significant other. Never stop being his friend. Never stop trusting him or fighting for him no matter what comes between you two — because nothing can ever truly replace your love for each other.
If the relationship is meant to be, then it will work out in the end. Keep these tips in mind and you’ll be set on the road to happily ever after.
Take away
The tips listed in the article are essential for having a successful relationship. However, there is one tip that is more important than all the rest: Be willing to fight for your relationship.
If you are truly in love with your significant other, then you will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work — even if that means fighting for it tooth and nail.
Remember that relationships take work. But they are also worth fighting for. With these tips in mind, you can have the happily ever after you always wanted.
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