8 Indispensable Lessons I Learned About Surviving In Times of Great Loss

Don’t let anyone tell you how it should be.

Rumi says:

Live life as if everything is rigged in your favor.

I like the thought - although there have been many times that it just didn’t feel that way.

Let’s face it, in life, there are things we don’t want but have to deal with, things that show up that we’d rather be without, but still have to handle.

Every one of us loses or has lost something or someone important.

Precious opportunities, lost possibilities, time, and people we can never get back. It’s all part of life’s rich tapestry. And stitches go missing, without fear or favor, in everyone’s life.

1. Trial by fire

There’s no easy way to get through loss. It’s hard. Yes, there are books and groups to help us cope, but our grief is unique to us. One size doesn’t fit all.

And sometimes it’s just too overwhelming to deal with daily pain and summon the energy to find a group that is right for you. Even trying to focus on reading can be a challenge.

Yet we have to deal with loss in all aspects of life. Loss of jobs, failure in relationships, or the death of someone we love; but how is the question.

Mostly we learn through trial and error or trial by fire!

2. Loss doesn’t mean we’re broken

If you‘re dealing with loss right now please accept my heartfelt sympathy. And if you don’t need them right now, it honestly might be a good idea to take some lessons onboard that might work for you, because we all face pain and loss at some point in our lives.

I’ve lost a husband, both parents, and lastly my brother on top of all the other losses that life has thrown my way.

When my brother was dealing with a terminal illness I flew back and forth between my home in the States to his home in the UK countless times as I did my level best to support him.

To say I was physically and emotionally exhausted at the end of each trip would be the understatement of the year.

And yet, as Lou Holtz says:

It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.

I found this to be true for me, just as I believe it is true for you. Even if you’re carrying an incredibly heavy burden right now, it doesn’t mean that it has to break you.

3. One practice I found that worked for me

I never found that there was a quick answer to deal with the pain of loss — but I found it possible to move through it, learn to live again, and even come out the other side stronger.

I discovered it helped to practice accepting the feeling of not needing to know what would happen in the next moment, or where I would be. That all that was required of me was to be present to each experience and emotion. Not to hang on to them, just to be present when they showed up.

It isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do. But I bet you already know this.

4. Bottling up emotions isn’t a great option

Being present is a whole lot better than bottling those emotions up. We all know it’s easy to get caught up in a pending loss, or in the difficulty of any situation. Some of us turn inward as we try to keep our emotions in check and they eventually get stuck inside, with nowhere to go.

This eventually takes its toll.

We get sick or feel eternally tired, relentlessly unhappy, or just plain old miserable. So how do you survive and keep going when disaster strikes.

5. Don’t be a lone wolf

Countless studies show that social relationships are the greatest thing since sliced bread is an antidote to unhappiness and a formula for greater well-being.

Reach out. Speak out. Talk to a close friend or family member. Most people want to help and are willing to help, but are afraid they don’t know what to say that won’t make matters worse.

Reaching out gives them permission to be there for you.

When we enjoy strong social support…we can accomplish impressive feats of resilience, and even extend the length of our lives. — Shawn Achor

6. Not right now is ok

After the loss, you will discover the strength to move on one day, somehow, sometime.

You’ll pick yourself up and find something beautiful to look at; the stars, the moon, the sky, the deep blue sea; you’ll lift your head, pick up your feet and move on. But it might not be right now or today.

Right now you might cry for most of the day.

Right now you might need help to sleep.

Right now you might not be hungry enough to eat.

Right now you don’t know what to do with the pain and sorrow and it’s okay.

There’s always tomorrow, or the next day or week or month.

7. Practice self-compassion

The weird thing is that, whatever the loss, the world still keeps on turning.

Life goes on.

You might be facing a tragedy so overwhelming and huge in your world that you have no idea how you’ll keep on going. Yet you look around and everyone is carrying on as before, as though nothing’s changed.

It’s ok to fall apart, to be scared; what matters most is that you are respectful of yourself.

Every day determines your priorities — just make sure nourishing your spirit and your heart is one of them.

Find the wisdom and gentleness to be good to yourself without worrying about what anyone else has to say on the matter. If you’re taking care of others, don’t leave yourself behind.

8. Let it be

Do what it takes to get enough rest. Take naps if and when you can.

Express yourself.

Everyone has their own unique response to stress and grief.

There isn’t a single solution that works for us all or even in every situation, so experiment. Focus on what makes you feel calm and peaceful or brings you comfort.

For me, it was using guided meditations. Find what works best for you and use it every day.

Emotions can be overwhelming, if you need help in dealing with them seek it. Don’t try to numb your pain, it needs to be felt if you’re to heal.

Forget what you’re supposed to do or say or feel, it’s time to let yourself be.