8 Easy Ways to Spot If Your Boss or Coworkers Are Gaslighting You
And what you can do to stop it
Did you used to be confident and happy at your job, but now you’re anxious and confused?
The problem may not be you. You may be the victim of gaslighting by your boss or coworkers.
The term “gaslighting” comes from the play and movie, Gaslight, in which a man tries to convince his wife she’s going insane so he can get her money. Among other things, he turns down the gas-powered lights, then tells her she’s hallucinating when she mentions it.
In a broader context, it refers to anyone who systematically tries to make you doubt your memory or judgment.
If you leave a meeting unsure of who is assigned to a particular task, that’s just poor communication. But if you leave convinced that it’s been assigned to one of your coworkers, who later says it was assigned to you, they might be gaslighting you.
Here are 8 ways that you can spot that you’re being gaslighted at work.
1️⃣ Your boss or coworkers belittle your memory or listening skills
Your boss or coworkers tell you something that doesn’t seem right. You state your version of events — the day the project was due, who was assigned a task, or when a meeting was supposed to be scheduled.
In a healthy work environment, everyone would try to resolve the discrepancy, and make sure it didn’t happen again. If you’re being gaslighted, your boss or coworkers will put it down to your faulty memory, inability to listen during meetings, or failure to pay attention. They’re right, you’re wrong, and it’s proof of your failings that you think you might be right.
2️⃣ They tell you they told you something they didn’t
Your boss or coworkers tell you something that you know you’ve never heard before, and insist they told you.
In a healthy work environment, maybe they’d meant to tell you, and actually hadn’t. Or had tried to tell you something important at a bad time when your attention was on something else, and you hadn’t taken it in. Effective communication is a two-way street, and mistakes do happen.
If you’re being gaslighted, however, they never told you what they’re now saying. Instead of taking any responsibility for the lack of communication, they take on the role of victim, having to repeat themselves because of your bad memory.
3️⃣ They question the validity of your feelings
You protest something your boss or coworkers said or did that bothers you, and they tell you it’s no big deal.
In a healthy work environment, they’d apologize, and say they hadn’t meant to hurt you. Even if privately they think you’re over-reacting. We all have things that we’re unreasonably touchy about, and in healthy relationships we learn to avoid these issues.
If you’re being gaslighted, they’ll say you’re overly sensitive, overly emotional, or don’t have a sense of humor. They may claim you’re over-reacting. They’ll be so emphatic that no one else would be bothered, that you’re left questioning why it bothered you. Maybe you are too sensitive?
4️⃣ You apologize for their mistakes
You were promised something if you delivered something by a certain deadline. Yet, when you ask about it, they turn the situation on you.
In a healthy work environment, this almost never happens. But in times of corporate instability, I have had managers say that their boss changed the rules, and the incentive they offered was no longer available. They would always thank me for my efforts, apologize for the mix-up, and offer a bonus vacation day or something to make up for it.
If you’re being gaslighted, they’ll blame you for bringing up the supposed promise. You’re actually preventing them from getting the incentive for you, because you’re taking them away from their work. Or talking to you is stopping them from talking to the person who will make it happen. They’ll keep blaming you, until you apologize. And then wonder what just happened.
5️⃣ They accuse you of lying
You confront them with something they said or did. They accuse you of lying, and trying to make them look bad.
There is no healthy work environment spin on this one. The best scenario is that you are each partially correct, but in a healthy work environment, the boss or coworker would have presented their version. Then you would have talked the situation out. By jumping to an accusation and ascribing malicious intent, this is already not a healthy relationship.
The only way to tell if this is gaslighting versus a toxic personality is through a pattern of other behavior. There are many reasons people refuse to accept responsibility for their own words and actions. However, if the person repeatedly tells you things, then accuses you of lying about it, they’re probably gaslighting you.
6️⃣ They insist they can’t understand you
When you raise problems, or try to get their assistance, they pretend that they don’t know what you’re talking about.
In a healthy work environment, sometimes people are just incompetent. They may agree to do something without knowing how to do it, and hope they can figure it out. Then, when they can’t, they may blame you for not providing clear instructions. Your instructions weren’t clear enough for them, because they lack the basic competency you assumed they had. This is fixable.
If you’re being gaslighted, the person knows full well how to do whatever it is you’re talking about. Pretending they can’t understand you is just a way of deflecting the discussion, from what they don’t want to discuss, to your inability to communicate. You end up on the defensive, and they’re off the hook.
7️⃣ You work too much and too hard in an effort to “prove yourself”
You work through lunch, stay late, get in early, and come in on the weekend, so you will be recognized as a “team player” or “high contributor”. If you’re the only one doing this, or there is no obvious recognition, it may be gaslighting.
In a healthy work environment, there are occasionally crises. The customer changed the specifications at the last minute, the person who normally does something is out sick, or the updates need to happen when no one is using the system. The whole team should be pitching in, or you should be offered a bonus of some sort for the extra hours you work.
If there’s no obvious crisis, or there seems to be a never-ending series of crises, your boss may be gaslighting you. If they’re just inept, everyone in your department suffers. If you seem to be the only one called on, and the reward for your hard work is something nebulous and unspecific, it’s more likely to be gaslighting.
8️⃣ They alternate criticism and praise
Your work is of fairly uniform quality, but you can never predict whether they will praise your work or criticize it.
In a healthy work environment, some situations bring a boss’s own insecurities to the fore. They may be extra critical of something that is going to their own boss. Or they may feel that the best way to teach a new skill is to criticize everything you do wrong. But there is always a situational limit and explanation.
If you’re being gaslighted, the mix of criticism and praise is meant to throw you off and confuse you. You begin to question your own judgment. It can also be used to counter your complaints to others, by praising you in public but criticizing you in private.
What to do if you suspect you’re being gaslighted
The first thing you should do if you suspect you’re being gaslighted is to make a record of things the person says and does. Keep this record someplace safe and inaccessible. Do not keep it on company devices or company-owned cloud storage.
Try to avoid having conversations that will be your word against theirs. Bring a trusted friend and coworker to meetings, or ask for permission to record the conversation — to support your failing memory. (In some states, you may be able to record the conversation without their permission, as long as you are part of the conversation.) Follow up all conversations with a written confirmation of what you believe they told you, asking for their agreement.
Be prepared to leave your job if you must. Ideally, the boss or coworker is an isolated problem. But if your company culture is one of secrecy and blame, or you are unable to offer sufficient proof to convince HR to act, you may need to save yourself. Plan carefully, and realize part of their strategy is to make you so insecure and confused that you won’t be able to leave.
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