My Cat Peed on My Face Tonight
And he doesn’t give a shit
Here’s the deal. I don’t actually own a cat. Nonetheless, it’s 4.30 am, I’m covered with cat pee, the damn thing is meowing at me, and he’s so fucking cute I can’t even get angry. Instead, I’m Googling how expensive it would be to transport him to Europe.
3 months ago
I moved to Ecuador with my partner. We rented a little house with a garden, and on our second day, we discovered that it came with a cat. It just appeared on our porch and demanded some love.
We tried not to give him too much cause we knew we were not gonna be here forever, and we were in no position to adopt any pets at the moment. But this guy’s a professional. Quiet and persistent, a real top player of his feline family who knew exactly what to do to melt us stupid, lame humans in a matter of days.
He would sit on my lap when I tried to meditate in the garden, play with the ropes when my partner tried to hang the wet clothes, and appear on our doorsteps, meowing sweetly every time we came back home. Little bastard.
Over time, we started to find him inside the house, even though we were really cautious not to let him in. First, it was the kitchen. He was just sitting in the middle of the room, smiling at me innocently. I swear he was smiling. Then I found him sleeping on the sofa upstairs. He woke up and appeared to be as surprised as I was at his whereabouts.
Apparently, he was brought there against his will. Finally, we found him in our bed, calmly licking his balls. At this point, he was not even pretending to give a shit anymore. He just looked at us with satisfaction and went back to his business.
A few days ago
We went on short holidays, and when we came back, we found our/not our cat hurt. It looked like he’d lost an eye — it was all swollen and covered in blood. I immediately burst into tears and understood that somewhere down the road, I fell in love with that insolent furry hobo.
We took him to the vet, and to our deep relief, it turned out that the eye survived. He just got scratched all around it; that’s why he looked like he’d just escaped the Peaky Blinders set. He got 2 antiinflammatory shots, a bunch of medicine, and eyedrops to be applied 3 times a day. He also got a beautiful plastic cone. Now, he looks like a lamp and is deeply disgusted with us.
The vet told us we shouldn’t let him outside for at least a week. Our garden is a highway for stray cats and dogs, and he wouldn’t be able to defend himself in his current state of absolute uselessness. We were also told we should consider sterilization, otherwise, he’ll keep getting into trouble.
As we were standing there, with our 200$ bill in hand, we thought… Wait, when did we get a cat?
We don’t have
Any doors in our house. Don’t ask, it’s just a weird house, ok? The problem is that the cat has to sleep inside now, and he goes straight into our bed every freaking night. We tried blocking the entrance to our room with furniture, suitcases, shoes… Nothing works; this fucker should be working as a burglar. He just patiently burrows his way through, and at some point in the night, we are bound to find him sitting on our pillows and poking us with his cone.
Yesterday, we threw everything we had at the threshold of our bedroom, and we went to sleep peacefully, convinced that even this circus freak wouldn’t be able to force such a wall. But lo’ and behold, there he was at 4 am, lying comfortably on my chest and checking if his claws were still nice and sharp. I was so exhausted after the 2 previous nights of no sleep that I just kept pushing him away in vain hope of getting some rest. That is until I suddenly felt something warm dripping on me, and I realized that this fucking bastard was preparing to go into full pee mode straight on my face.
I grabbed him furiously and threw him outside, only to realize he didn’t actually need to pee. He did not go into the garden in quest of a tree or some comfortable bush. Instead, he immediately came back and started purring all over me, absolutely unoffended by my harsh treatment. Our cat just happens to need love and attention at 4 am sharp every night and decided to pee on us if his demands are not promptly met.
Yes, I said: ‘Our cat’
His name is Conejo. It means “Rabbit” in Spanish, and no, it’s not an interesting story. I’m not gonna lie to you; the peeing incident was a bit disgusting, but as soon as I washed myself, I burst into a laughter attack that almost ended my life.
You see, I have a deep appreciation for all things ridiculous. That’s the main reason I adopted my current partner, arguably the most absurd person on the planet. And it looks like Conejo will be joining our team, even though I have absolutely no idea how to fit him into our lifestyle of constant movement between different continents.
I guess we’re gonna have to buy one of those ugly pink cat backpacks and look even more stupid at the airports than we already do. Well… Who gives a shit.
Agata Szymula is a travel addict with an impressive 11$ writing income a month. She spends it all on coffee, even though she’s been trying to quit for five years now. Agata’s biggest dream is to become a better writer and one day be able to buy food as well. She hates writing about herself in 3rd person, but she made an exception this time cause she saw cool people on Medium do it. If you want to support her addiction, you can buy her the next coffee ❤