My Ex Offered Anal Sex on The First Date — I Should Have Known She Was Married
The bizarre story of how I found out my ex was married
Several years back I met a woman in the gym and we hit it off, and went on to date for around four months. The reason we ended was because I discovered she was married. Though I should have known from the start. Here is why:
She offered me anal sex on our first date.
It may be crazy to think that this should have been a dead giveaway. But hear me out. We met up for drinks, and really hit it off and so ended up going back to her place. I was driving so I gave her a lift. She invited me in, to say we were into each other would be an understatement. We didn’t even make it upstairs. As soon as the door shut behind us, we tore into each other and got it on right there and then, on her landing.
Then we made it to the stairs, and went again. Then I carried her upstairs to the bedroom. We didn’t go again, because alas I must admit I had run out of steam. But we did get talking, you know that sort of spooning talking that you do after getting it on.
While we were talking, she suddenly blurts out. “Do you want to try anal?”
Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out my response. And for the first four months until I found out the truth, I believed that she had offered me this because one, she must really like anal sex, and two, she was a secret female genius and knew that making such an offer would make the miraculous happen i.e. give me the energy to be able to go for a third time in succession.
I was mistaken.
Not of her genius, but for the reason for her genius. You see I discovered that she was married because she revealed a certain truth to me: that she was not really into anal sex. And wanted us to stop having it.
“I like it now and then,” she said to me. “As like a special occasion thing. But it’s such a hassle preparing for it, I only really like doing it when I’m properly in the mood.”
After she said that, she started to get all emotional and started apologising to me. I told her this wasn’t a problem, I would never want her to do anything she didn’t want to do anyway. There was nothing to apologise for. I was also extremely puzzled by this, and I asked her why she had offered it to me so much if she wasn’t that into it?
At this point, I started to suddenly feel guilty. Had she been doing this because she believed for some reason that I expected her to? Why would she think this? Was it something to do with her past relationship, had she somehow been led to believe that this was expected? Was it something I had done?
On and on my thoughts went, until in one split moment all the guilt left me. Because she revealed the truth, she was married.
Then she started crying and revealed everything to me and eventually, after revealing that she was unhappily married and that her home was not her home but her best friend’s place, this is what she told me:
“When we were in bed together that first time we met, you started asking me about my relationship history, and I couldn’t remember what I had told you earlier, and then I remembered that you’d made a joke about anal sex so assumed you must like it. And I just panicked and said do you want to try it.”
“We were talking about relationship history?” I said in astonishment — I hadn’t even remembered that we had been talking about past relationships when she made that offer. I didn’t remember making a joke about anal sex either for that matter either, or any near wrong entry moments, which she claimed had sparked the joke.
“Then after we had done it,” she continued, “I felt like I needed you to believe that I loved it otherwise you might get suspicious.”
Of course, what she was saying was, no woman in their right mind who did not really like anal sex that much would offer it on a first date — especially to a guy who had not shown any inclination of seeking that form of sex on a first date. Unless of course, they had a very good reason to. Which it turned out my ex did. To distract me and change the subject.
So there you have it. How I found out my ex was married. Because she gave me anal sex on a first date but didn’t really like it, and eventually admitted that fact to me along with everything else.
I’m certain there is some life lesson in there, perhaps if ever you’re with a person who is expressively evasive and always wants to change the subject whenever you talk about past relationships then beware. Or perhaps that a good way to identify if someone is married or not is to ask them how long they have been single for and about their past relationships, and see how they act, who knows.
But I’m going to conclude with this, to all the guys out there, if ever you are on a date and are talking about relationship history and the woman you are out with suddenly blurts out “do you want to try anal”, you have been warned.
And if anyone is wondering whether this is satire or not. It is a true story. Perhaps helping to prove that the real world is frequently weirder than fiction.
That’s all from me, thanks for reading!
If you enjoyed this post, you may also enjoy the following:
27 of the Best Jokes to Brighten up Your Day
Why You Should Never Give People Things You Don’t Like Giving
Seven Signs the Person You Are Dating Is Secretly Married
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