7 Ways You May Push People Away Without Realizing It

Recognize the patterns, and then break them.

One of the most uncomfortable things for any of us (myself included) to do, is look in the mirror when it’s time to reflect on our own actions, especially in a relationship. It can’t possibly be our fault, right?

I once met a guy at the gym who, when he learned that I’ve been coaching people for more than a decade, began opening up to me about his personal challenges.

Dating challenges, financial struggles, even getting into bar fights and brawls…at 48 years old.

Now — I don’t judge, we all have different paths and circumstances that mold us. Some of which are more within our control than others.

It was clear, though, that some of his decision making has perpetuated patterns in his life that could’ve been avoided.

Then, one day, he asked me…

“Dude, why can’t I meet a nice woman?!”

*Raises eyebrow*

The point is: Sometimes it’s you.

Sometimes it’s been me.

Sometimes it’s been all of us.

Let me be clear: This article isn’t being written to make you feel bad about yourself — but instead, as a helpful guide when you need to look inward and ask yourself the difficult questions.

Here are 7 negative behaviors that just might have pushed some partners away in the past (and may continue to in the future if they’re not remedied).

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1: You come on too strong.

There’s a scene in the movie Tommy Boy where Chris Farley describes how he messes up all of his sales by smashing up a piece of bread that he smothers.

I get it — believe me — meeting people is hard and dating can be exhausting, so when you do find someone you’re excited about, you can tend to get really excited about them.

It’s almost impossible to stop texting them and then drive yourself insane wondering what’s taking them so long to respond.

So, maybe you text again.

Or, maybe you want to spend every waking moment together until the relationship starts to feel like that song you once loved but listened to it so much that it started to lose its luster.

Maybe, the relationship turns into that bread roll. It had no room to breathe, and got smothered.

“But, shouldn’t my relationship be a priority?”

Yes — it should be a big part of your life — but not your entire life. Especially right in the beginning.

It’s important for both partners in a relationship to live their own individual fulfilling lives, and if someone feels as though your entire sense of worth or happiness is dependent on their presence in your life, it puts massive pressure on them and makes them wonder why you don’t have other things going on besides dating them.

2: Your branding is off.

But James, I don’t have a brand!

First of all, everyone has a brand, whether they realize it or not. And, if you don’t realize it, then your brand is simply whatever the world has decided it to be.

Consider the “brand” of the gent we discussed above, and then the type of “customer” that brand will attract.

Do you think he is projecting the “features and benefits” that a well-adjusted, stable, emotionally mature woman is looking for?

I’ve said it a million times:

You don’t attract what you desire, you attract what you project.

This goes for anyone who’s actively dating either “in person” or online, consider for a moment how you’re projecting yourself.

Is the lifestyle you’re showing in alignment with what you’re looking for in a partner? Is the lifestyle you’re living one where you’re doing the things you’re passionate about and therefore surrounding yourself with people who have similar interests?

The basic premise is this: You hold yourself to the same standards that you hold for the people you date. If you don’t do that, you’ll be attracting people who have the wrong idea about who you are and what you’re about.

Your brand isn’t about colors, or fonts, or logos — it’s about integrity, dignity, respect, manners, and living a life you are proud of.

That, more than anything else, will attract the right people to you.

3: You’re unapproachable.

Here’s a tough one.

It’s a tough one because you’re not obligated to be accessible or approachable to anyone. It’s your decision how you conduct yourself in the world.

But, here’s a realization a lot of my clients have had: They don’t even think about how they’re projecting themselves in social situations.

“Oh my goodness…am I unapproachable?”

Story time:

I was at a restaurant in Boston a few years back with two of my friends, one of whom was recently single. Adjacent to us at the bar were 3 women. 3 and 3. Good odds. Let’s introduce him.

Except…the woman in the middle looked like she’d shank you if you got too close. No-go there, she doesn’t want to be approached.

Then, the bartender (who knew me) mentioned what I do for a living to them.

Instantly, they perk up and invite me over.

This is where things get interesting.

We talk about dating and meeting people, and the woman in the middle says this:

“But, guys never even approach me in the first place!”

Whew, that door just flung open, I might as well walk right through it.

I asked if I could give her some genuine feedback, and we got into the conversation about appearing unapproachable.

Her response was this:

“I didn’t even realize I was coming across that way.”

This question serves to boost our self-awareness in all social situations: How am I projecting myself?

What are the people around me seeing when they look my direction?

If you don’t want to be approached, project that.

But — if you do — make sure you’re projecting that as well.

4: Your insecurities lead to jealous behavior.

When I was young and insecure, it made me nervous to think of a girlfriend going out to spend time with friends without me.

What if she meets someone else? What if someone says something bad about me and she loses interest? What if she NEVER COMES BACK?

Ah, the thoughts of insecurity and lack of experience.

That’s part of the point, though. SECURE love allows for freedom. SECURE partners trust each other. They do not try to restrain or contain each other.

I’m not saying you should be running off to crazy raves every night and leaving your partner behind, of course.

But, balance here is key. Not just in the beginning, but over the long term in a relationship.

Share in some hobbies together, cultivate some of your own. Spend time with all of your friends sometimes, and just yours other times.

If your partner feels totally smothered (point #1) in your relationship, they’ll begin to push up against the boundaries to find their space to breathe, which might end up pushing the two of you apart altogether.

Remember: Your relationship might be “we,” but it’s still made up of two “me”s.

5: You‘re not open to compromise.

Any time two people merge their lives together in a relationship, they’re going to find differences. Differences in upbringings, needs, hobbies, routines, viewpoints, lifestyles…

You’re not going to agree on everything. How could you? You’ve walked two different paths to get to the same destination.

Hell — when my wife and I met, she was a single mom with two children running a brick and mortar business, and I was the “perpetual bachelor” who had been bouncing around the country on a whim without any attachments. Talk about lifestyle differences!

What matters more than these differences, though, is how you choose to handle them.

Do you think that only your way is right, and therefore criticize or minimize the way they like to do things?

Or, do you seek to understand rather than to judge? Are you open to compromise? Are you willing to do something differently? Are you willing to consider that you…*gasp*…might be wrong?

Obviously, sometimes these differences are simply too vast and it means that you are incompatible with someone. One of the hardest lessons to learn is that two good people simply might not be good for each other. But, if that’s not the case and you’re just being nitpicky, you’re probably heightening their defense mechanisms, increasing insecurities, and making them shrink into a smaller version of themselves in order to avoid your snide remarks.

Needless to say, that’s not a sustainable (nor a healthy) model for a relationship, and eventually it will fall apart.

6: You don’t show gratitude.

Let me say this once in all caps. Bold caps:

GRATITUDE IN A RELATIONSHIP IS HUGE.

We all know how hard it is to find a good person. We also all know how overwhelming life can get at times.

You’re busy, you’ve got a ton on your mind. Bills, chores, deadlines at work, keeping the kids from sticking forks in electrical outlets.

Suddenly that nice thing your partner does for you every day starts getting overlooked. They do it every day after all.

They know that you appreciate it. You don’t need to say it.

Ah — but you do. We all do.

No matter how kind or goodhearted someone is, there is only so much fuel in the tank of kindness. The fuel for that tank is gratitude. Gratitude is what keeps the tank full and the engine running — knowing what they’re doing is appreciated.

The remedy to this is simple: Say thank you.

Do small things that he/she appreciates in return to show your gratitude (NOT a tit-for-tat transaction, but reciprocation is key).

Make dinner for them, or clean up after they do it for you. Wear that shirt they like for date night. Do something out of the ordinary to show that you value their efforts.

A little bit goes a long way — and that little bit will ensure that the “long way” is towards you rather than away from you.

7: You let the “spark” fade.

Be honest — you knew this was coming.

Despite what you’re thinking though, it’s not just about sex. Sex is a hugely important aspect of any intimate relationship. Without it, you’re basically just roommates with shared responsibilities.

The spark, real intimacy, is built through an emotional connection between two people. That emotional connection is the fuel for the physical fire. If you have no spark, you get no fire.

It’s a way to build trust together, to communicate more deeply, to express your most closely held desires to someone you value, trust, and love.

If the intimacy begins to fade and becomes less important to one partner, or both, the other can easily feel unattractive, unwanted, and unsure about the future of the relationship.

Life can get very busy. Work, kids, commitments — it’s not always easy to “make time,” but we must.

Every now and then reflecting on our own actions is important when it comes to honestly understanding our past and future relationships.

After all — it’s not just about finding the right person. It’s also about being the right person.

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James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.