7 Ways You Can Build a Better and Closer Relationship With Yourself

Enjoy your own company

I want you to pause and think about this for a second.

How many problems in your life stem from the way you treat yourself?

Most of us experience relationship problems, not because of the other people in the relationship, but because our relationship with ourselves isn’t solid.

Until you learn how to get good at being you, independent of others, these problems will continue to occur.

Not just that, but you’ll miss out on happy and healthy relationships with others from friends to romantic to business and more.

Here are some strategies I personally used to help build a better relationship with myself. Steal the ones that seem appealing.

Learn to Enjoy Your Own Company

If you don’t have someone to do something with when you want to do it, do it alone.

If you want to get a nice meal at a restaurant and none of your friends is available, go by yourself.

Pick up new hobbies on your own. If you really want to take things to another level, travel alone.

You can get in touch with the things you like to do, the hobbies you enjoy, and the experiences you want to have.

Once you have that solid relationship with yourself devoid of others, it’ll make your interactions with other people that much better.

Learn to Understand Your Own Mind

Blaise Pascal has a quote:

“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”

The first point was about being physically alone. This point is about learning how to be mentally alone — without distractions, without entertainment, without all the other things you use to run away from your own thoughts.

I’ve learned a lot through self-reflection, things like letting go of my parent’s judgment and them viewing me as someone who started but never finished.

When I encountered setbacks in life like my divorce, I reflected more on my participation in the demise than on my partners.

Through trial, error, and reflection, I’ve come to understand that I care more about being useful than the outcomes I get from being useful. Think, monitor your thoughts without judgment, and repeat.

Take the Time to Fully Answer This Question

About that last point — have you ever tried to fully answer the question “What do you want?

It helps to take the time to not just think about, but write down and structure your thoughts on who you are, what you want, and who you really want to be?

Do you ever get that feeling of anxiety that comes from this feeling that the way you’re living doesn’t quite add up to the way you want to live? You can’t actually pinpoint it, though. It just hums in the background — that tension between what you’re doing right now and the vague sense of wanting better.

You’re not going to learn everything you need to know about yourself through reflection because your personality will change over time based on both your experiences and your interpretations of them. But you can start by trying to paint an accurate map of what you really want and who you really want to be.

Seriously think about and write down the answers to questions like:

• What kind of relationships do you want to have — friends, romantic, business, colleagues?
• What do you truly value above all else — when doing this I came up with the answer of ‘freedom and autonomy.’
• If you were free from fear what kind of life would you live?
• How would you spend your day if you had no concerns about money?
• What are some of the things you believe to be true about the world?

With a lot of self-reflection and action, you’ll come to find there were things you thought you wanted but didn’t actually want and things you didn’t know you wanted that you now know you do.

Consider “Formalizing” Your Relationship with Yourself

There’s that cliche quote:

If you had a friend that you spoke to the same way you speak to yourself, how long do you think that person would allow you to be your friend?

Although it’s a cliche, there is something to be said about treating yourself the same way that you would treat a friend. This is going to sound strange, but try to become your own friend.

Sometimes I will go so far as to literally have conversations with myself. Just like everyone else I have doubts, fears, and areas where I lack confidence. And I genuinely go out of my way to be my own cheerleader just like I do for my friends.

On my way to achieving a bunch of goals that scared me I’d ask myself questions and say a bunch of affirming statements:

• “Screw it, man, why not you? Why does it have to be someone else who gets to win?
• “Think of all the times you have been productive, have succeeded, have followed through. You just need some momentum.”
• “You’re smart and capable, you just have to put things together a little bit better.”

I’ve written down affirmations and even said them to myself in the mirror — anything to help overcome the struggles and doubts that we all feel. All of these little insights and exercises lead to the ultimate way to build a better relationship with yourself.

This Can Make You Like Yourself More

This simple statement is one of the keys to self-confidence, productivity, and an increasingly positive self-image. It’s so innocuous, mundane, and yet profound.

Keep the promises you make to yourself.

It’s not so much that failure to follow through with something you said you were going to do is bad in and of itself. But it’s the underlying subconscious statements it implants in your head:

• “I don’t trust myself.”
• “I’m not worthy of living the way I want because I let myself down.”
• “I can’t.”

The remedy to this? Be very mindful of the promises you make. Be mindful of the things you literally say you’re going to do. Keep the promises to the level you can keep.

Don’t tell yourself this tale of how you’re going to rule the world next year. Make a promise to yourself today and keep it today, e.g., “I’m going to write for 10 minutes.”

Yes, this seems like banal basic self-improvement stuff but all the keys to a solid relationship with yourself as banal and basic.

Practice Proper Self-Care

As you go throughout your life, especially when you’re trying to improve, you’re going to need time for self-care. But, what does self-care actually mean? I wrote a chapter in my book that talks about what I believe to be a counterproductive form of self-care.

In this form of self-care, you reward yourself regardless of your behavior. On the one hand, you don’t want to burn yourself out. But, on the other hand, you can suffer just as much from inaction.

Too many people use self-care as a guise to absolve themselves of responsibility for their actions. When you start rewarding yourself for counterproductive behavior, you just reinforce that behavior.

I’ll eat a nice meal after a solid workout. I take downtime often — watching movies, time with friends, doing nothing — but I always do it after I’ve done the most important things I needed to do for the day.

Self-care is best used as a reward for challenging yourself. And challenging yourself is a form of self-care. There are certain things you’ll never learn about yourself until you push yourself to your edge.

Challenge, rest, repeat.

Remember This

Ultimately, one of the most important things you can do is remember how much you already like yourself. You forget that when you find yourself in situations that cause you to feel self-doubt, challenge your ego, make you feel embarrassed, etc.

There are already some things about yourself that you like. Think about them. Focus on them. Even write them down.

It’s a tricky battle. On the one hand, there are some things you’d like to improve about yourself, but the entire idea of self-improvement comes with the underlying assumption that you lack something.

Technically, you don’t lack anything. You could build a well-spring of confidence based on who you already are right now. But you still have that need to level up. So, you start that process by trying to remind yourself that you already have a bunch of things going for you.

I don’t have an exact prescription for this, but try to remember in the back of your mind that even though you’re trying to reach new levels in your life, you already have everything you need, and you’re already good enough.

Use this weird paradoxical method of feeling like you’re already successful and then also doing the work to reach your goals.

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