7 Warning Signs You Might Be Happy, and Why You Should Stop It Right Now
Oh no, you’re feeling happy? It’s only downhill from here.
1. You feel like hugging people.
The impulse comes out of nowhere. It overwhelms you until you cannot ignore it any longer. Your arms extend, and you side-hug a colleague on her 30th birthday. Did you know she hates hugs? Suddenly you’ve been flagged to repeat that painful corporate e-learning module that includes clips from a 1980s sexual harassment video and they’ve finally figured out how to block you from skipping ahead through the slides.
2. You call your parents just to say hello.
YOU PUT THAT PHONE DOWN RIGHT NOW. Do you know what calling your parents out of the blue will do to them? They will think you’re on drugs. A call from you is a cry for help. They’ll probably come over to check if you’re ok. Your call will cause your mother’s IBS to flare, forcing an emergency stop to use the gas station bathroom. You know what that will do to her blood pressure. You are literally going to kill your parents with kindness. Do you want that kind of blood on your hands?
3. You have energy.
You have so much energy that you actually play with your children. You make up a magical story, ending on a cliffhanger. You build an epic pillow fort and you put on a killer puppet show with shadow puppets you made together from Pinterest. You even make glitter slime, from scratch. Gasp! Do you understand what you’ve done? Your children have just formed a core memory. They will remember this day for the rest of their lives. They will come after you, day after day, expecting, nay, demanding this energy from you again and again like little parasites until they drain you of whatever shreds of happiness and dignity you have left. You need to stop it. Stop it now.
4. You whistle while you walk.
Are your hands clasped behind your back? Are you whistling the latest Taylor Swift tune? If so, you are playing with fire, my friend. First off, that tune, that slow, shuffling gait, it’s distracting. You whistle Anti-Hero while stepping out into the bike lane, colliding with an unsuspecting Uber Eats delivery guy on his electric scooter. Pad see ew flies everywhere, the e-scooter is totaled. Not to mention how one tiny slip up for you results in one slipped disc for your spine. And have you considered the auditory assault your whistling has on those non-consenting strangers around you? Whistling is not only invasive, it’s a form of mind control. Now you’ve imposed that Taylor Swift song on everyone, and it gets stuck in their heads, like a virus.
5. You are excited to wake up in the morning.
Oh boy you’ve really done it now, haven’t you? You wake up before your alarm, opting for tight jeans and heels over your typical uniform of sweats and Uggs, and you skip the coffee today because you’re wide awake on a cocktail of optimism and joy. Ever heard of toxic positivity? Did you know it has been shown to literally invalidate human experience leading to trauma, isolation, and unhealthy coping mechanisms? Plus, your partner was awake all night with that stupid Taylor Swift song you were whistling stuck in their head and now they want a divorce, and they want you to keep the children. Look what you’ve done.
6. You smile at randos on the sidewalk.
Do you actually have a death wish? You smile at a person sitting on the steps of a church surrounded by pigeons. It seems innocent enough. But you have smiled at the wrong person. She screams at you “What the $%^^ are you smiling at, $%^^$? Go %$%^ yourself, $%^%^’ing Pollyanna. Everyone looks at you in disgust. How could you upset that sweet pigeon lady like that?
You’re afraid she will toss the birdseed at your head and you will be attacked by pigeons that will peck out your eyeballs and eat them. Do you want pigeons to eat your eyeballs? Do you?
7. You have nothing left to tell your therapist.
Your problems are your therapist’s livelihood. She has five children, three cats, and two turtles to feed. Plus she needs urgent bunion surgery not covered by her health plan. Your problems put food on her table. She will seek out her own therapist for an emergency session, questioning at the very core her effectiveness as a therapist. Her therapist will try to show her that your happiness speaks volumes to her professional abilities, but she won’t hear of it. She will return to her old job as a secret shopper, losing her rent-controlled brownstone, and eventually, her ability to walk.
So abandon those Happiness Podcasts, delete your Calm meditation app, and put on a great big frown because you, friend, are on a path to misery. Hey, it’s for your own good.