7 Uncomfortable Truths I Learned Dealing with Toxic People
Trust yourself: your body doesn’t lie
In the past two years, I’ve encountered 3 people I would truly consider toxic.
The kind who manipulated, controlled, and drained my energy.
Above all else: waged war on my psychological well-being.
Through it all, came some painful lessons that helped me better understand them and eventually rise above them.
Here are 7 uncomfortable truths I learned dealing with toxic people:
1. Toxic people live in their own reality, don’t let their drama consume you
Ever notice how drama seems to follow toxic people around?
Conflict is the only way they can connect to feel alive, noticed and important.
When there was damage on the roof, my landlord immediately blamed my partner and I.
Claiming it was an act of retaliation for a rental increase. Regardless of any proof or the fact that we’re both afraid of heights, spread the gossip like wildfire.
Rather than encourage her delusional reality by defending ourselves till our faces turned blue, we respectfully disagreed with minimal engagement.
“The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game.”
At the end of the day, you can’t reason with unreasonable people, so there’s no point in trying to convince them. Pride can get in the way of truth.
Instead of getting pulled into their drama and giving them ammunition to use against you, respectfully disagree and minimize engagement.
The last thing you need is for them to take up precious real estate in your mind. Save your energy for the people who matter.
2. Toxic people instill fear to control you, don’t fall for it.
From pulling out the lawyer card to creating their own rigid rules that have no basis in reality, toxic people use fear as a way to control you and get what they want.
While working from home with COVID, my manager at the time forced me to go on camera in a meeting.
After expressing discomfort, he became autocratic and reinforced his demands by saying it was “company policy” when it hadn’t been made mandatory yet.
When I raised the point, he rudely cut me off and demanded I go on camera. All while being recorded and complaining about my apparent attitude to make me look bad.
Since I didn’t have the mental or physical energy to stand my ground by saying no and reporting his behaviour to higher-ups, his fear tactic of leveraging the company policy worked on me.
The situation may vary, but the motivation remains the same: If they’re instilling fear, it’s because they’re trying to control you. Giving in to their demands only reinforces their behaviour.
3. Their behaviour says more about them than it does about you
From undermining your skillset to making you question your perception, toxic people have an uncanny ability to make you second-guess yourself.
Stirring up feelings of confusion, frustration, and sometimes even guilt.
I was frequently belittled and told I had poor time management skills by a manager who’d send conflicting directives and stay up till 3 a.m. catching up on work.
At first, I took it to heart, until I realized how they treated me was a reflection of how they felt about themselves.
Projection is a funny thing. Coming to this realization prevented me from channelling my inner bull and reacting accordingly.
“If you are willing to look at another person’s behaviour towards you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about you as a person, then you will, over time, cease to react at all.” — Yogi Bhajan
It’s a lot easier not to take them personally when you realize that their mistreatment stems from something they worry about themselves, feel about themselves, or do themselves.
4. Trust yourself: Your body doesn’t lie
Toxic people are often felt before they’re seen.
Some of the most toxic people I’ve met appeared charismatic and thoughtful. Yet something felt “off” about them. Being around them gave me a sense of unease.
From tension headaches to heart palpitations, my body was speaking to me before my mind could.
At first, I shrugged it off as being a wrongful case of first impressions but over time, realized it was my body responding to their toxic nature lurking behind their facade.
Rather than dismissing how I felt, I’ve learned to trust my body and listen to what it’s telling me.
Because the body doesn’t lie.
5. A.B.D: Always Be Documenting
I can’t stress enough the importance of documenting from the start because the reality is: toxic people spin truths at an Olympic level.
They’re a wolf in sheep’s clothing, knowing how to say the right things in front of the right people to convince others of their narrative.
Yet in a court of law or at the workplace, facts triumph over drawn-out stories. Luckily, the former happens to be a toxic person’s kryptonite. The best way to leverage it is through documentation.
Use whichever medium you can get your hands on, whether it be emails, photos, videos and even voice recordings. The goal is to show proof (and build a case if need be) of the type of person you’re dealing with.
If they verbally harass you, take a screenshot. If they falsely accuse you of something and have visual proof it wasn’t you, take a photo. When you have a verbal conversation, no matter how trivial, record it.
Disclaimer: In most states (except California), telling others you’re recording them is a courtesy and not a requirement.
The goal is to catch them off guard and let their true nature unfold.
6. Staying silent won’t make them go away, but setting limits will
Popular advice will tell you to cut toxic people out of your life which on paper sounds great but in practice isn’t always possible.
Especially if they’re in your close family or work circles.
When it comes to dealing with toxic people, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach.
Some are outwardly aggressive while others are more covert about it. Yet one thing holds: staying silent won’t change anything. For them, it can mean consent.
“Quietness often conveys the message that you agree. This encourages them to keep going.”
Knowing how to address their behaviour comes down to 2 things: your relationship with them and how often you interact with them.
If they’re someone you see now and then: Pick your battles
Whenever my landlord is in town, all hell breaks loose. You can hear her before you see her, getting into conflicts everywhere she goes and causing drama any way she can.
I’ve been tempted to address her behaviour, but I learned fighting fire with fire only makes matters worse.
I learned to pick my battles by basing the behaviour on a sliding scale, if it’s a 6 or below, I’ll wait for the storm to pass. If it’s a 7 or above, I’ll address it through email.
Allowing me space to become clear-headed and gather my thoughts without the high emotions.
When it comes to toxic people, set limits: only engage when necessary, and keep interactions light and minimal.
Most importantly: Rise above their drama. You’ll find peace knowing their presence is temporary and will be gone before you know it.
If they’re a friend or close family member: Set boundaries
We’ve all come across a family member or friend who emotionally dumps their problems on you, has manipulative tendencies and is insensitive to the needs of others.
Since most are completely unaware of how they come across, it’s best to have a heart-to-heart conversation with them.
To minimize the chances of them getting offended, use “I” statements to focus on how their behaviour makes you feel.
Most importantly: reinforce your boundaries and the consequences of disrespecting them like limiting conversations or not staying connected anymore.
If they’re your boss: Tread lightly.
Toxic bosses are everywhere.
Dealing with one daily will eventually wear you down and make you do things completely out of character like working harder to appease them or remaining silent out of compliance. Which only reinforces their behaviour.
Remember: If you don’t say anything you’re accepting it.
Yet, directly confronting one might put a target on your back. Protect yourself by going to higher-ups with documentation on how they’ve been treating you BEFORE confronting them.
When interacting with them, avoid letting them walk all over you. Know what you’re willing to tolerate and follow through on it.
For example, if they belittle or talk down to you, be respectfully upfront about it by saying: “I can’t have this conversation if you continue to speak to me like this.”
If they try to gaslight you and believe their web of lies: “I remember things differently.”
If they pile on the work, don’t fall into the trap of people pleasing because no matter what you do, in their eyes, it’ll never be good enough.
When words aren’t cutting it, take action by keeping interactions at a minimum and limiting in-person contact if possible.
Remember: You teach people how to treat you by what you are willing to endure. Constantly reinforcing what you won’t tolerate will leave them no choice but to respect it. Especially if their behaviour is already being documented.
When all else fails, know when to walk away.
Or as clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo states: “Don’t let things drag on too long because you’re compromising your health, identity and future.”
7. Avoid opening up to them (especially when they’re being “nice”).
When it comes to toxic people, a fleeting moment of kindness isn’t an invitation to open up, but a warning sign to watch your words.
If good behaviour from them is the exception, not the norm, chances are there’s an ulterior motive behind it.
The biggest mistake I made was opening up to a manager about how I felt they were bullying me. With tears in my eyes, I wore my heart on my sleeve, trying to understand why they would treat me this way.
Rather than apologize or at the very least acknowledge how they came across, they preyed on my vulnerability by accusing me of harassing them, happily casting themselves as the victim instead.
“Do not give your blind trust to anyone unless they have shown you the consistency of their character over time.”- Shahida Arabi, author of The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People
The best way to protect yourself from people who don’t have your best interests at heart is to trust in behavioural patterns above everything else.
Final Thoughts
Toxic people are a lot like vampires.
Once you invite them in, it’s a lot harder to get them out. Not knowing how to deal with them, can take a mental and physical toll on your health.
They’re master manipulators that drain your energy to get what they want.
Don’t make the same mistake I did by waiting around thinking you can change them, because you can’t.
You can protect your peace and avoid giving them the power to get under your skin by setting the right boundaries, documenting their behaviour and taking action when need be.
At the end of the day, you have no control over the toxic people that enter your life but you can control how you let them affect you.
