SATIRE | HUMOR
7 Tips for Writing Badly
I like bucking a trend. Let me teach you how to stand out from the herd. Number 7 will put a smile on your face — and the Editors’!
In this story, I will share with you 7 tried-and-true secrets to writing badly. Everyone is so intent on improving their writing, but a real trend-setter like you wants to stand apart and be noticed! After reading this, you should be able to quickly throw together an appallingly bad story that will have even your most devoted fans reaching for the hand sanitizer after clapping for it.
Remember, following these tips is always optional, but if you fail to heed my words, you may accidentally end up producing content that is marginally readable and worth $0.27 in read time. You’ve been warned!
1 Even before you begin to write, you should design your story. For this, you need one old abridged dictionary, sharp scissors, and a large foamboard. Cut up all the pages in the dictionary (you won’t be needing it later — understanding the meaning of words is not conducive to writing badly!). Toss the words up in the air, over the foamboard. Whatever falls to the board — that’s your story. Type it up and use the centermost five words as your tags. Take an artsy, blurry photo and upload that as your featured image. Hit Publish!
2 When it comes to word choice, be creative. Modern language cries out for innovation. Successful Marketers have known this secret for decades, and have given us such superfluous words as “snackable content” and “paradigm shift,” “holistic,” and “rightshoring.” Use “dynamic paradigm stagnation” if you want to look both retro and forward-thinking, in a charmingly idiotic way that’s sure to endear you to your audience.
3 While you’re at it, be sure to apply your originality to how words are spelled and arranged! At this point, you should be glad you cut up that dictionary, in Tip #1 — it’s nothing more than an unnecessary distraction. Spelling should be as fresh and original as you are. Try “lieves” instead of “leaves,” or “thawt” instead of “thought.” You’ll be sure to hold your readers’ attention: This technique forces them to read more slowly — for longer periods of time (wink, wink) — as they must think about the meaning of each word.
Likewise, eschew the traditional rules of grammar. Innovate! Try putting the verb at the end of the sentence, à la mode ancienne. Put adverbs after nouns, and adjectives before them. Have you ever noticed how many people love to emulate Master Yoda? Mix it up a little! Surprise the reader!
4 Choose the most obscure, “long tail” keywords available to you on Medium. Do not settle for those top level keywords with broad application and high competition! You can really make a name for yourself by going low. Do not stop here:
Forget “World” or “Music” — you want to use, as a tag, “Tuvan Throat Singing.” As you type your tags, you should see the number of other people who have used the same tag. If you see a number less than 10 — or better yet, “New” — that’s the tag you want to use.
5 If submitting to publications, be sure to turn off private notes first! This will prevent Editors from spamming you with their backchannel conversations. Trust me, if you’ve followed steps 1–4, you won’t want that avalanche of notifications!
6 Act like a real professional. Never accept more than 10% of the Editor’s suggestions for “improving” your story. What do they know? They deal with good writing all day. They do not understand your art. Explain this to them as condescendingly as you possibly can, using small words. They obviously would not understand anything over two syllables. Emphasize your points with profanity — nothing gets an Editor’s attention and admiration as quickly as a well-placed “fuck you!” or “you’re wrong!”
7 If no one will accept your avant-garde approach to writing, take your marbles and go home. Complain loudly from a bully pulpit of your own making: They were never worthy of you to begin with.