7 Things Not To Say To Someone Who Is Depressed

How can you show empathy and understanding?

The stigma surrounding mental illness makes it difficult for people to open up and speak about their experiences. If someone is unkind or insensitive to them, they may not want to talk about their mental health again. When you’re expressing your feelings, the phrases you use may seem clear and to the point from your perspective, but the person with depression who is on the receiving end may feel attacked, misunderstood, or deeply hurt.

Major depressive disorder,(often referred to as “depression” ) is a common but serious mood disorder. It causes symptoms that negatively impact how a person thinks, feels and copes with daily activities such as eating, sleeping, or working. When someone you love is in the throes of depression you might notice these symptoms:

• Irritability: They get frustrated easily.
• A loss of interest or pleasure in activities they previously enjoyed such as hobbies or sports activities.
• Weight loss or weight gain due to changes in eating patterns.
• Moving or talking slowly.
• Difficulty concentrating on tasks or making decisions
• Sleep disturbance: They may have difficulty falling or staying asleep or oversleeping.
• Talks about death or suicide: they may make comments about life having no meaning, begin to give away possessions or attempt suicide.
• Complaints of physical pains or digestive problems with no known medical cause including frequent headaches, muscle cramps, or other pain.

It is important to understand that depression isn’t due to moral failure, weakness, or lack of willpower, it is a medical condition which requires treatment with medication, therapy or both.

There are several factors which can cause depression including genetics, environmental triggers such as childhood abuse and trauma, medications and certain illnesses. It is not a condition someone chooses to have.

Here are 7 things to avoid if someone opens up about their depression to you:

1. It Could Be Worse

Comparisons to other people fighting other battles are rarely useful. Doing so isn’t helpful and can make a person with depression feel you’re minimizing their experience or not listening to what they’re telling you.

What to say instead: How can I help you during this difficult time?

When a depressed person reaches out for social support, he or she is looking for understanding and compassion. They might not necessarily know what will help them but just hearing someone’s willingness and openness can help lift their spirits. Even if they say nothing needs to be done, they have heard you. They can sense that you care, and that can reassure them when they’re caught in guilt-ridden thinking.

2. I Know How You Feel

Although this statement is empathic and meant to help the depressed person feel understood, it can backfire. Even if you have experienced depression yourself, your experience may be different from your loved one’s. If you’ve never had depression, it may be difficult for you to empathize. In either case, if someone you love is depressed, the best thing you can do is be open and willing to learn.

What to say instead: Tell me more about it.

Just offering to be there helps; even if you do not talk about what they are going through. When they do open up, listen emphatically and remind them that what they are experiencing is a medical condition which can be managed through treatment and medication.

Listen, but do not judge.

3. Get Over It.

Your loved one wants to get better but their mood, associated thoughts and behaviours are beyond their control. This statement sounds dismissive and implies one has a level of control over their illness which they do not.

What to say instead: There are ways to get through this difficult time.

Instead of pushing them to focus on the future or forget about the past, guide them to seek professional help. Taking the step to get help can feel scary for most people. Accompany them to the session and continue to assure them of your support. This can make a difference in how they perceive the illness.

4. Count Your Blessings.

This statement implies that depression occurs because people do not see what good they have in their life. However, depressed people often describe feelings of hopelessness, guilt, and helplessness. They lack the internal resources needed to cope with life effectively and healthily. A major life achievement or progress may seem like a minor event to your loved one.

What to say instead: I’m sorry that you’re hurting. I’m here for you.

Depression can lead to a negative outlook on life leading you to focus on adversity and sadness. Much as the person can become oversensitive to a bad event, there are often real stressors that get them down. It’s important to acknowledge those concerns when they’re brought up, so a person doesn’t feel ignored, shut out, misunderstood, or forced to be artificially happy. If they feel supported in solving a problem, they gain the courage to move forward.

5. Have you tried yoga/meditation/herbal tea?

We live in a can-do society where self- help is celebrated and encouraged. Our instinctual reaction may be to tell someone to get up and change their destiny. While this impulse is expected, a depressed person may feel even more hopeless when they hear this. Also, none of these are instant fixes even if they may help.

What to say instead: What Have You Found Works For You?

This statement acknowledges the effort your loved one has put to seek treatment. Affirm their efforts to get better and accept them without expectations of quick change or judgment — let them know they are loved and not alone in their struggles.

6. Be Strong For Your Family.

This statement can make people feel weak, insufficient, or a bad friend or parent aggravating the self- loathing and criticism they already hold towards themselves. It can cause them to feel they are a burden to the people in their lives, and these feelings can make depression worse and may even lead to suicidal thoughts or self-harming behaviours.

What to say instead: Thank you for sharing this with me so that I can understand what you are going through.

Being supportive and nonjudgmental is much more helpful to your loved one’s recovery. If you are struggling to understand what they need, be honest. Calmly explain, then be patient and ready to listen.

7. Everyone Goes Through This At One Time Or Another.

This statement is dismissive of your loved one’s unique experience with depression. It implies that everyone’s experience with depression is identical. Minimizing someone’s pain is not helpful and, for people who are dealing with depression, can be very hurtful and harmful.

What to say instead: You Are Not Alone In This

This is more reassuring and makes people feel valued and respected.

Conclusion

Without realising it, your well-meaning words can be insensitive and hurtful to someone who is suffering from depression. While you may have good intentions, the advice or wisdom you offer may fail to convey the message you intend.

Being compassionate to your loved one’s illness includes letting go of the expectation of quick change and judgement. Be kind and supportive without insinuating that their depression is unimportant, they are making things up or being lazy.

Being willing to admit that you don’t understand what they are going through goes a long way in creating a safe environment for them. Apologizing for any hurtful comments you might have said in the past enhances the sense of safety. Admit you did not understand what they were going through and didn’t know what to say.

If you are experiencing mental health issues, please speak to a mental health professional who can help you. For more articles on mental health: