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Abstract

<p id="48c3">So, yes, I would have told myself to leave him. I know — I wouldn’t have my son now, but the way I see it is that I wouldn’t have known what I was missing. I’m glad my son is in my life. But maybe I would have been a better mother to my daughter if I wasn’t taking care of so many people and desperately trying to hang on to a relationship where I was doing all the work.</p><h2 id="19ab">#3 The only one that will make your dreams come true are you</h2><p id="e8c1">Fate, destiny — all that is bullshit. You want to have a million dollars? Only you can do the hard work that comes with that kind of money. You want a family, only you can become the kind of person that attracts the kind of person you want to marry and have a family with. You want to be a writer, only you can write those words.</p><p id="c46d">No one else is going to do the work for you to make your dreams come to reality. No one else is going to be a bigger supporter of your dreams than yourself. No one else is going to make sure you have time to chase your dreams. So don’t let anyone else tell you how to do it or when. It’s all about you when it comes to your dreams.</p><h2 id="9d61">#4 “The one” is bullshit</h2><p id="d089">If there was only one person in this entire world for you, how freaking hard would it be to find them? The truth is there are many people that you could love, build a life with, and be happy with.</p><p id="e102">My children’s dad was “the one” — I was sure of it. Until I wasn’t. We had a great time together, and we were very happy — until we weren’t.</p><p id="6383">The man I was with (in a very loose sense) after I split up with my kids’ dad was “the one” — I was sure of it. Until we decided that neither of us really wanted to move across the country to be together. We likely could have been pretty happy together. But we chose not to be.</p><p id="0c1e">My husband was “the one” — I was sure of it. We had a lot of great time. We were happy most of the time. We loved each other unlike any love I’d ever known. That selfless kind of love. But not all love stories last forever.</p><p id="5071">The point is not to say, settle for the one you’re with. The point is, be open to possibilities. There are so many of them.</p><h2 id="11d7">#5 Raising kids is damn hard, and they can suck the life out of you but…</h2><p id="d43e">It is also very rewarding for some people. Not all people. Some. Not everyone will be happy being a parent. Not everyone will be happy staying at home and taking care of their kids fu # Options ll-time. Not everyone will be happy to go to a job for most of the day and leave a lot of the child-rearing to someone else. There are a million decisions to make when it comes to being a parent and not everyone wants to make those decisions.</p><p id="d2a5">The best part is, you do have a say in that. And it is perfectly ok to choose not to have kids or only have one or have a dozen if that’s what you want to do.</p><p id="d8cf">If you’re not sure what you want to do — it’s also ok to hold off and think about it. Don’t have kids just because it’s what you’re “supposed to do.”</p><h2 id="40b4">#6 Money isn’t everything but it’s ok for it to be something</h2><p id="3fe2">I always thought that it was one or the other. You either lived like a pauper, happy in your simple life and struggling to pay bills or you focused on making money and saving and investing it.</p><p id="6c7e">It doesn’t have to be one or the other though. There’s nothing wrong with working hard and wanting some nice things. For the first 30-ish years of my life I didn’t buy anything that wasn’t used or from a discount store. I never had new furniture. And if I did buy anything that I didn’t need, I felt so much guilt for indulging.</p><p id="6020">I remember buying a pair of jeans that cost almost $100 when I was around 31 or 32 years old. I felt so much guilt over those jeans. Ridiculous right? The funniest thing is that I still own those jeans and I love them.</p><p id="a041">So, find some balance. Work hard. Buy yourself some things you like. Put some money aside for a rainy day. After that, how much you work and what you do with that money is up to you.</p><h2 id="6f42">#7 Enjoy the little things</h2><p id="5bd5">They are what really make life worth living. Want to spend your day off reading a chick lit book that is pure entertainment? Then do that. Feel like binge-watching Friends for the 10th time? Do it! Lay in a bubble bath for an hour, spend the weekend at the lake, stay inside all day in bed with your loved one…these little things are what make a life. It’s rarely ever the big things that make you really happy.</p><p id="92af">There’s so much more I could tell my 25-year-old self. But these are the things that I think I really needed to hear. Maybe I’ll write a part 2 to this someday.</p><p id="03c8">Unfortunately, I can’t go back and tell myself these things. So, I’ll have to just listen to myself now. I’ll listen to these things and try to put them into my life now. Because now is what I have.</p></article></body>

7 Things I’d Tell My 25-Year-Old Self

Because I Gotta Listen To Someone

25 years ago, I was 25 years old and I had just had my first child. She was a couple of months old when I had my 25th birthday, and I was exhausted. I couldn’t think straight let alone think about my future.

But there were some things that I needed to hear. I might not have listened to anyone else but I like to think that I would have listened to myself if my 50-year-old self popped up in front of me.

That young woman — really just a girl with a baby — there are so many things that I wish I could tell her.

#1 Take care of yourself

I have never been good at that. Take care of myself? How can I do that when this tiny baby needs me? How can I do that when I have to be a good wife? I need to get up early and take him to school and then come home and clean the house and….

The list of things I “had” to do went on and on. The trouble was, I didn’t have to do them all. Yes, I had to take care of my daughter. But that man? He was a grown ass man! He could have at least taken care of himself if he couldn’t help me take care of her. He could have done a lot of things. And if I had made taking care of myself a priority over taking care of him, maybe he would have stepped up and did the things he should have been doing. Maybe then I wouldn’t have ended up hating him.

I would remind myself that it is ok to take time off when you need to; leaving your child with her father while you go for a walk by yourself or take time to read a book is not going to hurt anyone and it will do a world of good for you.

#2 If someone doesn’t treat you right you have no obligation keep them in your life.

I wish I had understood that back then. But I thought that because we were in a committed relationship (even now I wonder how committed he really was) I had to stick it out. I had to make it work. I had to try harder to get him to…

Wait — no I didn’t. It was not my responsibility to make him step up and be a good man and a good father. If he wanted to do it he would have done it.

So, yes, I would have told myself to leave him. I know — I wouldn’t have my son now, but the way I see it is that I wouldn’t have known what I was missing. I’m glad my son is in my life. But maybe I would have been a better mother to my daughter if I wasn’t taking care of so many people and desperately trying to hang on to a relationship where I was doing all the work.

#3 The only one that will make your dreams come true are you

Fate, destiny — all that is bullshit. You want to have a million dollars? Only you can do the hard work that comes with that kind of money. You want a family, only you can become the kind of person that attracts the kind of person you want to marry and have a family with. You want to be a writer, only you can write those words.

No one else is going to do the work for you to make your dreams come to reality. No one else is going to be a bigger supporter of your dreams than yourself. No one else is going to make sure you have time to chase your dreams. So don’t let anyone else tell you how to do it or when. It’s all about you when it comes to your dreams.

#4 “The one” is bullshit

If there was only one person in this entire world for you, how freaking hard would it be to find them? The truth is there are many people that you could love, build a life with, and be happy with.

My children’s dad was “the one” — I was sure of it. Until I wasn’t. We had a great time together, and we were very happy — until we weren’t.

The man I was with (in a very loose sense) after I split up with my kids’ dad was “the one” — I was sure of it. Until we decided that neither of us really wanted to move across the country to be together. We likely could have been pretty happy together. But we chose not to be.

My husband was “the one” — I was sure of it. We had a lot of great time. We were happy most of the time. We loved each other unlike any love I’d ever known. That selfless kind of love. But not all love stories last forever.

The point is not to say, settle for the one you’re with. The point is, be open to possibilities. There are so many of them.

#5 Raising kids is damn hard, and they can suck the life out of you but…

It is also very rewarding for some people. Not all people. Some. Not everyone will be happy being a parent. Not everyone will be happy staying at home and taking care of their kids full-time. Not everyone will be happy to go to a job for most of the day and leave a lot of the child-rearing to someone else. There are a million decisions to make when it comes to being a parent and not everyone wants to make those decisions.

The best part is, you do have a say in that. And it is perfectly ok to choose not to have kids or only have one or have a dozen if that’s what you want to do.

If you’re not sure what you want to do — it’s also ok to hold off and think about it. Don’t have kids just because it’s what you’re “supposed to do.”

#6 Money isn’t everything but it’s ok for it to be something

I always thought that it was one or the other. You either lived like a pauper, happy in your simple life and struggling to pay bills or you focused on making money and saving and investing it.

It doesn’t have to be one or the other though. There’s nothing wrong with working hard and wanting some nice things. For the first 30-ish years of my life I didn’t buy anything that wasn’t used or from a discount store. I never had new furniture. And if I did buy anything that I didn’t need, I felt so much guilt for indulging.

I remember buying a pair of jeans that cost almost $100 when I was around 31 or 32 years old. I felt so much guilt over those jeans. Ridiculous right? The funniest thing is that I still own those jeans and I love them.

So, find some balance. Work hard. Buy yourself some things you like. Put some money aside for a rainy day. After that, how much you work and what you do with that money is up to you.

#7 Enjoy the little things

They are what really make life worth living. Want to spend your day off reading a chick lit book that is pure entertainment? Then do that. Feel like binge-watching Friends for the 10th time? Do it! Lay in a bubble bath for an hour, spend the weekend at the lake, stay inside all day in bed with your loved one…these little things are what make a life. It’s rarely ever the big things that make you really happy.

There’s so much more I could tell my 25-year-old self. But these are the things that I think I really needed to hear. Maybe I’ll write a part 2 to this someday.

Unfortunately, I can’t go back and tell myself these things. So, I’ll have to just listen to myself now. I’ll listen to these things and try to put them into my life now. Because now is what I have.