7 Hurtful Replies We Should Avoid
Empathy is walking a mile in somebody else’s moccasins. Sympathy is being sorry their feet hurt. — Rebecca O’Donnell
“A cornerstone of true connection is the ability to have difficult conversations. “
— Sherry Turkle
We all know friendships get stronger by sharing vulnerabilities. A co-worker shares his worst encounter with your boss, a family member opens up about her deepest concerns, or a friend is honest about childhood trauma.
Sharing difficult emotions is not only a sign of true friendship but also for emotional maturity.
Yet, unfortunately, most people react inappropriately when loved ones open up. By replying inconsiderately, many of us tramp on the delicate band of connection instead of strengthening the bond. With thoughtless answers, we’re far from being a true friend.
By understanding how not to react in moments of vulnerability, everyone can become a true friend and increase the wellbeing and trust of your loved ones. Once you are aware of all the existing bad reactions, you can start avoiding them altogether.
1) The Shameful Reply
Your friend shares a vulnerable, and you react with shame. Your reply goes along the lines of:
“I understand. You should feel really bad about this. It’s just a terrible mistake to do something like you did. How could you let that happen? I’m ashamed this has happened to you. You should really try to avoid this in the future!”
It’s okay to feel pity for your friend. Behind a shameful reply often lies the intention of protecting your friend. However, now is not the time to judge your friend’s actions. Even if you feel shame, don’t say it (just yet).
Bring it up some days later and discuss situations that happened to your friend in a more general context.
2) The Sympathy Reply
Instead of empathy, you show sympathy.
“I feel so sorry for you. You poor thing. That sucks.”
With sympathy, you pity the hardships your conversation partner encounters. In contrast to the shameful reply, a sympathetic response does not worsen your friend’s situation. But sympathy doesn’t help your friend either. You’re not putting yourself in the shoes of another.
“Empathy is walking a mile in somebody else’s moccasins. Sympathy is being sorry their feet hurt.”
— Rebecca O’Donnell
3) The Detective Reply
A detective counterpart starts with interrogating:
“What lead to this situation? How did you let this happen? What could you have done differently?”
After your friend shared the story with you, you instantly start searching for the trouble’s cause. You slip right into the role of a coach.
Detectives act with best intentions and try hard to be helpful friends. They think that narrowing down the cause, also limits the damages.
At the same time, it’s a fault to think that the conclusion of cause identification leads to your dear’s betterment.
4) The Scapegoat Reply
You start searching for a guilty party both of you can see as a common enemy.
“Whoever was the reason who made you feel this way. We’ll kick ass. That person won’t do you harm any longer!”
There is always someone to blame, right? Maybe. But finding someone to blame is not the point.
Scapegoat replies often come from people who can’t bear negative emotions. It’s easier to jump right into blaming than holding the space for negative emotions.
“The search for a scapegoat is the easiest of all hunting expeditions.”
— Dwight D. Eisenhower
5) The Problem Solver Reply
You listen to the story. But you are rather thinking than feeling.
“Let us figure out how we can get over it. I know this great resource that can help people in the situation you are in.”
Being good at giving advice is a great friend feature. Yet, vulnerable situations do not require the best book you know on this topic.
As with the shameful reply, save your advice for a later point in time.
6) The Me, Myself & I Reply
Your friend shares vulnerability, and you try to top it.
“That is nothing that you are telling me. Listen to what I experienced.”
That’s kind of the worst reply you can give: Making your friends story about me, myself, and I.
At least to my part, I’ve been there. I’ve given this type of reply literally thousands of times. Ups. Again. There it is — little ego.
”The friend who confuses connecting with the opportunity to one-up.”
— Brene Brown
7) The Comforting Reply
You try to make things better by complimenting and comforting your friend.
“This presentation can’t have been soo bad. You must be exaggerating. Listen, you are perfect just the way you are. Every human has errors, but you are just perfect. It’s just about self-acceptance.”
Again, comforting friends are well-intended at heart. But by downplaying your mate’s situation, you are not helpful. Not at all.
What To Do Instead
Instead of all of the above reactions, the only way a true friend reacts is with empathy. Here’s how an empathetic response sounds like:
“That’s just so hard. I feel you. Here’s my story of the last time I felt _____ (shame, guilt, anger, regret). You are not alone in this. I hate that feeling, too!”
By replying empathetically, we strengthen the bond of deep human connection and eventually become true friends.